Of course I already knew this, but I have had it shoved in my face the past few weeks. I am so pissed off right now. So I finally heard from Josh. He said he did want to see me again, but also said he was felt that things had gotten “too built up” and that he was worried about “early expectations.” In other words he pussed out. Whatever dude. I sent him a facebook message, but haven’t heard anything. Big surprise there.
Jacob texted me out of the blue last Monday. I just sat and stared at the phone for a minute. He wanted to meet up that night, but I already had plans and told him no. He kept begging, but I stood firm. The next day I came across his profile on OKCupid. Yes, I am back in the wonderful world of online dating. I just sat there and cracked up for the longest time, and then sent him a message. His profile is very quirky, and I said that it was official, he was way too cool for me. I texted him that I had sent him a message, and he was like, “What?! I’m so excited!!!” He sent me a few more texts during the rest of the week.
Then this past Monday I finally agreed to see him. I told myself (and him) that I was NOT going to stay over and that nothing physical was going to happen. Well…We met up at CB, which has a well-deserved reputation for very strong drinks. Things were going very well – good conversation, he looked cute, he apologized. We ended up walking back to his place (I need to realize that he is a very good strategist). Things seemed to be going even better. He told me that he got scared before, that he was being stupid, that he had treated me really badly, and that he was SO glad I’d given him a second chance. I asked him if he’d met anyone on OKC and he said a few people, but that he couldn’t talk about art with any of them the way that he could with me. We were talking about the possibilities, and he said, “I may be too much for you.” I kind of gave an “I don’t know” shrug, and he said, “Yeah, I guess you can’t know until I let you in.” Well yeah…
In the middle of the night we went out in the street and sent up this balloon that he had ordered from China. He kept going on about how what we were doing was illegal, and made me put on a black hoodie before we went outside. It was fun, because he made it fun – he was excited like a little kid. Shit like this is one of the reasons I can’t help but like him. Damn him.
At one point we were sitting watching Charlie Rose interview Julian Schnabel. I leaned over and cuddled on his chest. He sighed and said, “I’ve been waiting for you to do that all night,” and kissed me on the top of the head. It felt so nice.
At like 5 in the morning we finally got in the bed. I was still wearing my bra, and skinny jeans, and seriously had to take them off in order to get comfortable. I left everything else on. Of course he starts making out with me and really trying to get somewhere. I told him to cut it out a couple of times, and finally I was like, “Jacob, stop it, you’re being kind of a dick right now.” He flops down on the bed and turns away from me. I was like, “What…?” and he goes, “I’m being a dick.” I rolled my eyes and went to sleep.
He was on call for work that day, and a little before 11 got the call that he needed to come in. He starts up with me again, I kept putting him off. (I need to mention here that I was extremely turned on, damn him.) He’s like, “I really want to cum before I go to work.” I was still half asleep and tired of fighting, so long story short I ended up giving him a blow job. I know I know! Huge mistake. I am so weak when it comes to this kind of stuff.
I had left my car at the bar, so he drove me to it and then went to work. I’ve had a few brief texts from him since, and I was happy, because it seemed like at least he wasn’t ignoring me this time. He’s super busy at work this week (restaurant week), so I wasn’t expecting much.
So, this afternoon I logged into my OKC account, and on the homepage there was a little announcement: “Jacob has changed his status: I’m available now!” It also said that he had done this 17 minutes ago. Huh. I sent him a message that said, “So you weren’t available before? Hmmm…? ;)” Then I sent him a text: “I just sent you a message. God I’m stupid.”
I am so angry. With him and with myself. It would have been totally fine with me if the reason he cut off contact before was that he was seeing someone, and I said so in that letter I wrote him. But he never said any such thing in our hours of conversation on Monday night. It also ticks me off that he made this change AFTER the two of us started talking again. I mean, I have other people that I’m supposed to be meeting up with soon, but still. I sent him that text a while ago now, and still nothing. Why do I always get stuck on liars and jerks. Why?! I can’t believe he did this to me. Again. @#$#$%^%!!!!