My life is shit

It’s been a really crappy few days. So: the meeting with Hilton did not go well. I really need to find another job. I never did hear back from Daniel. Jason from DH is back in town, and I’ve sent him a couple of messages asking if he’s ready to meet up – nothing. I was supposed to meet up with Tommy from okc, he bailed. I was supposed to meet up with Tim from okc tonight, he bailed. Another guy wants to meet up this weekend, but Shan’s coming to visit, and then he’s going out of town for a week. There’s another one who is also out of town. AARGH! I’m starting to feel like I’m banging my head against a wall with this online thing. What’s the point if you never meet up?

I went over to Jacob’s on Monday night and left a note that said “J – News Flash: You’re fucking it up. – Jen” Then I went over to bar N for a bit and then to bar H. There was a seat next to this really cute guy at the bar, so there I sat. He started talking to me immediately, and we kept talking for like 2 hours. He had lived in New Orleans for a while! I guessed his age right on the dot: 25. I know, but he was so cute! His name was Mike, he was in the Navy, and he’s like 6’4″. Since he’s too young to date, I said yes when he asked if I wanted to come over and watch a movie – might as well get something out of it, right? So we watched a really funny movie, started making out, and moved to the bed. Then…he couldn’t get it up. Great.

I woke up at 8 in the morning to find a text from Jacob: “I can’t see you anymore. I’m sorry.” I was absolutely FURIOUS! I was so upset I wanted to throw up. I texted him the following diatribe: Wtf??? I’m sorry too. Sorry I was stupid enough to give you a second chance. BTW, you should consider going into acting. Your performance of last week deserved a fucking academy award. Fuck you. Seems like an awful lot of work just for a blow job. Hope it was worth it, asshole. Also hope it was worth having a truly great person now think you’re lower than dog shit. I mean, have I done something terrible to you that I am unaware of??? Because I really don’t deserve this, and at the least you owe me an explanation. I actually, stupidly, allowed myself to think we could have had something great. Now I know you’re just a lying, scheming sociopath. I hope you realize soon that people are not toys to be played with and tossed aside. Don’t bother blocking me. You won’t be hearing from me again. Ever.

I spent the whole day breaking into tears every time I thought about it.

Later that evening he sent me a text that said: I’m sorry. I got back together with my ex girlfriend. I don’t blame you for being upset. Goodbye.

I sent back: Well congratu-fucking-lations. You could have just told me that in the first place. It’s what I suspected anyway.

I’m better today, but still pretty depressed about it. I know he’s not worth it – he’s too weird and secretive – but…I’ve never felt such an immediate and strong connection to someone. Ever. The other thing that sucks is that if he would have just been honest about what was going on, maybe we could have been friends. Even now it somehow seems strange that I’ll never see him again. It feels strange to even write that sentence. Somehow it just seems like I’m supposed to know him. I know that sounds crazy…And it wasn’t because I thought he was super-hot, like I did with my former neighbor Maka. It was something else, that I don’t think I’ve ever experienced before. The thought that I might not experience it again, or at least not anytime soon, is extremely depressing. I do believe he really liked me, and was attracted to me, and all that – it just felt too real and right to be all lies. But then again what do I know? Apparently not much. The other thing that makes me feel like a total idiot is that this situation reminds me way too much of my first boyfriend, Brian. Yuck.

I also seem to have the worst timing in the entire fucking world. I do think he was hiding some stuff about why he cut off contact the first time. I checked his okc, and the account is now closed. After he just changed his status to “available” a few days ago. Strange, no? So my take is that he and his ex have been going back and forth for a while now, and he got back in touch during a period that they were broken up. Why couldn’t he just fucking tell me that? At least it would have made things make sense.

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