The Truth

It’s time I told the truth about my life. I am a drunk and a loser. My friends would try to disagree, but this is the whole truth. In spite of my intelligence and education, I am almost 38 years old and am still scraping by. I have no savings and no insurance. I have an 11-year old car and live in a studio. I hate my job. I am still single. And I can’t blame fate or misfortune for these things, they have happened because of decisions I myself have made.

I had a great job, that I was well-suited for and actually kind of liked, and then went and got myself fired. So there went the income, and the insurance, and the savings, since I was unemployed (and ineligible for unemployment) for the next 4 months. Now I have a crappy part-time job that I hate. I have been in the interview process for a “real” job this week, but I haven’t heard from my recruiter for several days and don’t know what’s going on. I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t like this job, but it’s good money plus benefits, and it’s a normal schedule – it’s time to get real and grow up. I’m actually really annoyed that they haven’t gotten back to me, since if I’m no longer a candidate I’d like to start looking for something else. I really only have until the end of this month if I’m going to get a normal day job, since I don’t want to leave my department head hanging about whether I’m going to teach in the fall or not. I’m over the service industry, but it does allow me to teach during the daytime. The job I have is supposed to pick up over the summer. Great, but what then? So I’m still looking. All this angst because of a few minutes of angry stupidity on my part.

As for the “drunk” part of that opening statement, it’s not like I wake up with a glass of vodka or anything, but I spend way too much time hung over. Time that could be better spent. The thing that sucks is that I really don’t even drink that much at one time – it’s not like I’m pounding it trying to get wasted. Quite the contrary, I always try to pace it, but that doesn’t seem to be working these days. My body just can’t handle it anymore I guess. Sigh. And lord knows I don’t need to spend the money or take in the extra calories anyway.  It’s just hard to say no to going out when I’m already lonely and miserable. Yeah I could always just drink water I guess, but somehow I never manage to do that.

That’s the other reason I say I’m a loser. It’s not like this is the first time I’ve had this revelation, but I never manage to do anything about it. Instead I spend my time being depressed and wallowing in it. I get to a point where it’s like I truly, physically cannot make myself do anything. So then I feel guilty about being lazy, which makes me feel even more paralyzed. ooh poor me. Yes, I’ve been on medication before and it does help, but I can’t afford it right now. I also really miss seeing my therapist, but I can’t afford that either. See, more consequences from using curse words in front of the bitch.

Being hung over also makes it really difficult to work out, which makes it that much harder to re-lose these last 10 pounds. I’ve got a closet full of size 8 clothes that I can’t fit in to and it bugs the shit out of me! I lost the weight once, why is it so hard this time?

The one bright spot these past few months has been Jason B. but now that seems to be falling apart as well. Maybe I should have just given in in the beginning when he asked me to be his girlfriend. I mean, the sex is great, he’s got a big dick, he makes good money and isn’t afraid to spend it, and up until recently has been a total sweetheart.  I just wasn’t willing to be exclusive so quickly, I still wanted to see what other opportunities were waiting. Of course none were. And now HE’s decided he doesn’t want a relationship. Great. It’s always just as I’m ready to give in that the guy pulls away. WHY?? What am I doing wrong?

At first I was relieved to be “single” again, but not so much anymore. I went out a couple of nights this week, and no luck. All I wanted to do was flirt with somebody cute, but nada. This does not bode well for the future.

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