I have had the craziest fucking week, and not really in a good way. So after I left Jason that message on Match, I got a text from him: “We need to talk.” Uh oh. I figured he was pissed at me for snooping. We decided I’d head to his place after I was done with work. God my stomach was in knots my entire shift. Turns out he wasn’t really pissed – he said he was on there checking MY profile, that he checked it like once a week. I actually kind of believe that. He said that he needed a lot of “alone time” right now. That he can’t be in a relationship right now, it’s not you it’s me, blah blah blah. At that point we already hadn’t seen each other in two weeks, how much alone time does he need? I told him I was really angry about the way everything had happened – we were taking a giant step backwards, he was changing the rules, etc. Finally I just said, “I don’t know what else to do, other than say that I won’t contact you anymore. If you want to see me, get in touch and maybe I’ll be available.” He said he was sorry about everything and I said good, you should be! So after there was nothing left to say I decided to take my leave. On my way out he starts kissing me, then starts walking me toward the bedroom! He says, “I don’t want you to leave yet.” I said, “I can’t do this right now. Do you understand? I’ll take a rain check.” In my head I was screaming, “What the fuck are you thinking?! You just dumped me and now you’re trying to have sex with me? Are you stupid?!” I mean, really! He walked me down to the car, and I said, “Give me a call some time, stranger!” with a smile. He just kept looking at me all sad. I felt sad, too, but basically ok.
On Tuesday I was working for another bartender, and she was going to work my Friday shift. I texted Jason to let him know, since I’m never off on weekends. He said it would have to be a night in, since he had Jaxon. So I sent back, “And so I’d have to sneak out before he wakes up? No thank you.” Then he said it was ok if I was around Jax. So he’s changing the rules again? I said, ok, if you’re still interested in a few days then give me a call.
Wednesday I saw an email from Ashford – got rejected for the admissions counselor position. Goody. My plan was to stay in that night and be good. Then Derick texted me saying he wanted to catch up. I’d been kind of avoiding him since he got back into town and I felt guilty about it, so I said ok. He brought over a bottle of vodka and we hung out for a while. Before he got here, L told me they were going out for her friend Norbie’s birthday. I was like, cool, we can all hang out at TC, so I got all dressed and everything. Then later she told me they were going downtown, but Derick and I are both broke so we just stayed here. He left around midnight, so here I was, all dressed up and pretty buzzed. Like I’m going to just sit here! So I went to bar N, and guess who was there – Jacob. Fucking great. At least he wasn’t with his girlfriend, he was with some guy. After a few minutes he waved across the bar at me, but other than that he ignored me, even when we were on the smoking patio together. Luckily the guy I was sitting next to was talking to me, too bad I wasn’t interested. After the bar closed I ended up talking to Jacob and his friend outside, but I was so fucked up I have no idea what we talked about. I went over to L’s and I remember crying because I was so upset, even though I don’t really know what I was so upset about. Oh, vodka.
Thursday I went and got a much-needed haircut. I didn’t ask for a blow-out, but the girl gave me one anyway, which was perfect – I already had plans with C and L to go to a hosted bar event at Analog. I came up with a really cute outfit, and wore my contacts – I was looking super foxy! C had said there would be food there, but it was only tray pass apps and I ended up hardly eating anything. Uh oh. So we hung out there for a while – luckily C’s friend Mike had gotten there early and grabbed a booth. No one hit on me, other than one guy who just looked at me and said, “Wow.” Another friend had gotten us on the list at this big dance club, so we went over there. I wanted to stay and dance, but no one I was with is the dancing type. Sigh. So after a while we went to TC. I don’t remember much about the time we hung out there. Apparently at 1:30 in the morning I texted K and Nate with booty calls – by this point I was determined to get some, and no one had flirted with me all night. I was kind of pissed about it, I really did look super hot. We were hanging out on the sidewalk after the bar closed, and I basically told Jordan we were coming over to his place. So we all go over there and Jordan and I ended up making out! I did not see that coming – Jordan is gorgeous, and cool, and an artist to boot. We were really going at it – he gave me a hickey on my breast, damn him! – and I so would have fucked him. But he was being all like, we shouldn’t hook up because I actually like you and blah blah blah. Whatever. After what I guess was a long time we went out on the porch – everyone else was gone – and he made me sit on his lap while we talked to one of his friends. Then I walked over to L’s to pick up my car (great idea drunk bitch!) and on the way he texted me “Goodnight.”
So Friday I woke up late, super hung over (again!) and there was a text from Nate: “Who is this? You need me for what?” I sent back “Jen. For fucking.” He wanted to know when he could “come tear it up.” This presented a dilemma. On the one hand, I really wanted the attention, and Nate is really cute. On the other, I had decided a while ago that I didn’t want to have sex with him anymore. When we first started hooking up, the sex was really fun because it was sooo different from what I had had with my ex – Nate is very dominant and demanding (and has a huge cock). But after a while I realized that was his only mode – there was NEVER any tenderness, plus he wouldn’t go down on me, plus I never got off. So I couldn’t decide what I wanted to do, and told him my plans for the night were uncertain, which was true. He said to keep him posted. So I kind of piddled around all day, hung over as shit. Around 6 pm I sent Jason a “Hi how are you?” since we had talked earlier in the week about a visit that night. That evening my friend Katy wanted to go to dinner, and I hated to waste my blow-out, so we went to Counterpoint – delish! I was still on the fence about going out – they were having my favorite dance night at bar WS. But L had left to go out of town that morning, I was tired and not feeling especially social, and so I opted to just stay in. By this point I had also decided not to hook up with Nate – sex with him requires a lot of energy and I just wasn’t up to it. Around midnight I got a text from him: “So if you’re going to text me at 1:30 am I at least deserve a reply!” I said, sorry, I’m staying in tonight. So he then proceeds to totally go off on me, going so far as to tell me to go fuck myself. I was completely mystified, as well hurt and angry. As far as I could tell he thought I was playing some kind of game, trying to tease him, which I wasn’t. Admittedly I could have been more upfront, but he was being really nasty about the whole thing. I also never heard from Jason the whole night. So I went to bed confused, hurt, and lonely.
The next day I texted Nate that I had not been playing games, and that what he had said really hurt. He did actually apologize, as well as propose make up sex. Good grief. I texted Jason: “So now you’re just going to ignore me? Really?” He sent back that he had fallen asleep with Jax the night before and was waiting to text me that day because he knows I sleep in. I suppose I believe that. I told him that I was just feeling extra sensitive because I had had a horrible week. He asked if it was because of him. I told him he was only part of it. He asked me if I needed to talk about it but I said no. Ha! he’s the last person I could talk to about all this shit. I haven’t heard from him since. I really miss him, and not just for the sex. God damn it! When I didn’t want a relationship he wanted to be with me. Now that I’m feeling ready for a boyfriend again, of course he bugs out. Why does it always have to be this way?