I am not a cougar!

I had hoped to have a catering shift last Saturday, but no dice. My neighbor Katie and I had talked the day before about going to get mojitos that day. Then at the last minute she ended up having to work a double, so we didn’t go out until late. We ended up going to bar H, which of course was completely packed – this is why I’d rather just work on the weekends, I hate it when it’s too crowded. Lots of cute guys, but all really young. After a while we got some seats at the bar. There was this one nerdy Jewish boy type I thought was cute. I kept checking him out but he seemed more into his friend – leave it to me to be attracted to the gay ones.

Katy was tired after working a double so she left after two beers. After going to the trouble of getting pretty I wasn’t about to go home, so I stayed. This big fat guy with a beard started talking to me, then a big black dude. Good grief. So I left and went to the restaurant next door. Tommy, the manager, remembered me from when I did a catering gig for them, even though I looked totally different that night. Maybe he thinks I’m cute or something? I told him I was interested in bartending there, so maybe he’ll say something good when I send Ron my resume. I ordered a delicious vodka sour, and talked a bit with another bar TC/H regular, whose name I cannot remember. This little Asian guy started flirting with me – good god I’m a magnet for un-sexy dudes.

I decided I should work my way closer to home, so I went to TC. Crazy crowded. These two guys started talking to me, but once again they were not attractive. Kiera pulled me over to talk with her and her friends, including Jordan. He was already a little tipsy and was hugging on me a bit. Kiera was like, “Come to Jordan’s with us,” and of course I said yes. Jared, one of the bartenders at bar N was there. He’s a pretty good-looking guy so I started talking to him. He ended up going to Jordan’s too. I was talking with Jared and Jordan’s friend Jason, but Jordan kept giving me the eye and I winked at him. I could tell Jared was interested, and he is cute, but for some reason I’m just not attracted to him.

He left after a while, and this other group of people showed up. They started doing blow with Jordan in the kitchen. Eww. I stayed on the porch with Jason. He tried to get me to leave with him, and when I asked him why, he said “Because I like you.” I looked at him for a second and said, “I’m sorry, I’m just not attracted to you.” Which was true – he was cool to talk to, but that’s about it. I swear I am so unlucky this way. He said, “Well I’m attracted to you.” As if this would change my mind or something. I was like, “I get that, but…” and just kind of shrugged.

A couple of the cocaine kids came out, these two very young, very hipster guys. They started talking to me and somewhere along the line I told them I was 37. They were like, “Wow, look at you, you’re still hot.” Which is nice I guess, but they were so arrogant and irritating. The blond one asked if I had any tattoos, and when I said no he’s like, “You really need to get some tats.” I rather testily asked why, and he’s like, “You need to express yourself,” and a bunch of other bullshit. This from a dude whose wearing a shirt with the sleeves ripped off. I got very annoyed about the whole thing – where does he get off telling me what I “need” to do?!  They started being all like, “Calm down! What’s the matter with you?!” Which of course just pissed me off even more. Blondie says, “What, so you’re one of those hipsters who hates hipsters?” I don’t consider myself a hipster, but I said, “Yep, sure am.”

After a while Jordan came out on the porch and was chatting with everyone. He was seriously fucked up. He sat down on this little bench and had me come sit next to him. He was being very cuddly and at one point I leaned over to kiss him. Blondie says, “I wish my cougar was here.” What the fuck?!!! I stood up and said, “That’s it, I’m out!” I walked down to the gate but couldn’t figure out how to get the damn thing open. The guys were being all like, “Aw don’t be like that Jen, come back!” but I wasn’t having it. Jordan finally came down and let me out. He took me out on the sidewalk and apologized, and then kissed me a bit. I walked to my car, stopped at 7-11 for some junk food, and went home, still pissed off. What a great fucking night.

The whole cougar thing really upset me. I’m still upset about it a week later. Ok, so I’m a woman two years away from 40 who is “still” hot. That is the reality, but I don’t like to think about it. I certainly don’t want it shoved in my face. It makes me think about all kinds of unpleasant things, like the fact that I am barely making ends meet, not living up to my potential, basically a loser. It reminds me that the window for having children is pretty much closed. It makes me wonder how much longer I’ll still be “hot.” It reminds me how hard it is to meet men my own age. His comment also made me realize what I must look like to others: a good-looking but older lady going out on the town to prowl for young meat. Not a pretty picture, and not the way I think of myself, that’s why I was so insulted. I hook up with guys I’m attracted to, and most of the time they happen to be younger. Partially because I tend to like a more boyish look – I don’t know why, I just always have. Partially because there aren’t a lot of men my age out on the scene. Believe me, I would LOVE to hook up with guys my age, but there just aren’t that many to choose from – most of them are at home with the wife and kid. Part of the problem is also that I don’t FEEL 37 – in my mind I’m still a kid. The few men my age that I do meet often seem so old to me – maybe I’m just immature or something, lol!


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