Jac

I have realized why I can’t let go of the whole Jacob thing. So about a month ago or so I ran into him at bar N with some other guy. I saw him outside on the sidewalk after the bar was closed and talked to them for a minute, but I was wasted enough that I couldn’t remember what the hell was said. After I got home my stupid drunk ass sent him a completely psychotic friend request on FB, in which I said things like, “I just have this weird feeling like we’re supposed to know each other. Even though you’re an asshole.” I read it the next day and was totally embarrassed, but these things cannot be unsent. Every day when I opened my email I totally expected to have some nasty retort from him – I wouldn’t have blamed him. After a couple of weeks he accepted the request, which completely surprised me. I was ridiculously happy about it, like, wow even though I sent him this crazy message he likes me enough to accept. Stupid, I know. I looked through his pics and didn’t see any evidence of a girlfriend, but he is weirdly secretive.

So for another couple of weeks I scrupulously avoided liking any of his posts or making any comments, etc – I didn’t want him to think I was stalking him or something. Then last Wednesday when I was at work I started looking at his photos again. There were some new pics of him and a cute blond girl on a sailboat, and she was clinging to his arm. I got unreasonably depressed about this. I don’t even remember doing it, but later that night I made a brief comment on one of his posts. Then the next day I was at the grocery store, and he texted me! I thought that it was out of the blue (since I didn’t remember making the comment). He asked me to come hang out with him that afternoon. I told him I had to be at work in two hours, and he’s like, “We’ve got time!” I responded, “Don’t you have a girlfriend?” And he said, “No, I’ve been single for a month. Almost two!” I said, “How convenient. Sorry, I’ve got stuff to do before work.” He just said, “Ok.”

Somehow in that moment I knew that it wouldn’t be like the last time he got in touch, where he kept bugging me to hang out. And I also somehow felt ok about it. Don’t get me wrong, I still keep my eyes open when I go to bars in his neighborhood, but I just don’t feel quite as obsessed about being with him anymore. It was like that little bit of affirmation – I still like you – was all I needed.

The thing is, I do still check out his FB page, and it makes me so jealous! Jealous of his life, I mean. For example, he’s going to two very cool-sounding events this weekend. He likes cool band pages that I’ve never heard of. How does he hear about this shit? And I realized this a while ago, but tonight’s snooping really brought it home: I’ve been so obsessed with him not only because of his personal qualities, but because he has the life that I want. I see him as a ticket into a world that I desperately want to be a part of. Every single day I chafe at the fact that my life is so boring, but I don’t really know what to do about it, and this in turn makes me feel like a totally boring person. How does he do it? The events he’s going to are public, and I could go, but I won’t. For two reasons: I don’t want him to think I’m stalking him, and I know that if I saw him with some girl it would REALLY upset me. So I guess I have to think up something else to do on Friday night.

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