More Jac stuff

This past Wednesday I ran into Jacob again. After working 4 extremely slow days at the bar, I was ready to celebrate the fact that it was my Friday, thank god! So I closed up around 12:30 and headed to bar N. As I pulled up I saw a little gray truck parked out front and thought to myself, “Oh shit, is that his truck?” Somehow I already knew that it was, and when I walked in, sure enough, he was over in a booth talking with some guy. They were in deep conversation, so I really wasn’t sure if he saw me sit down at the bar. I played with my phone and tried not to look over too often. After a bit, they both got up and walked behind me to go out to either the smoking patio or the bathroom. Fucker didn’t say anything to me, so after he’d walked past, I turned and loudly said, “Hey!” He came over and was like, “I’ll be back in a minute I really have to go the bathroom!” I just said, “Ok, I just wanted to say hi.” And he did it again, lol! It was actually kind of funny. After a minute he came back and said, “Come smoke with us.”

So I go out there and he introduces me to his friend Billy – cute young guy he works with at the restaurant. And then he starts just talking to me and pretty much ignoring Billy – which he realized he was doing and tried to correct, but he still mostly kept talking to me. It was like he couldn’t help himself, lol! He was his usual flattering self. He told me he’d been following my FB posts, and that he was worried about me – we were going to have to find me a new job. He also told me that he loved my likes and comments on his stuff, to keep doing it. (This kind of bugs me, since he never likes or comments on MY stuff.) Of course he likes it, I’m paying attention to him! He kept telling Billy how smart and brilliant and gorgeous and amazing I was. He showed me a couple of art projects he’d recently done, and said he hadn’t shown it to anyone else, because no one but me would get it.

When we were on our way back inside he asked if he could buy me a drink, and I replied, “of course.” While they waited at the bar I went to the bathroom. When I came back Billy scooted over so I could sit in the middle, poor guy.  At one point Jacob asked me if I still had “that comforter, that was so cool.” At first I was completely mystified, then I realized he was talking about the comforter I had when we first met. I told him I had gotten a gorgeous duvet cover and so the old one was inside it. He looks at Billy, and says, “Yes Billy I’m actually straight.” As in, yes, I’ve been in this girl’s bed.

He kept touching  my arm while he was talking to me, and he was wearing this plaid shirt that I really like. Sigh. At one point he mentioned that we had been running into each other a lot lately. He seemed very happy about this. I said, “Well…this is kind of my new bar.” Hint hint. Twice he said how glad he was that we had run into each other, then he said, “No. I’m so glad that we’re back on good terms.” He was like, “We need to talk. I really want you to come look at some of my new paintings, I trust your opinion.” He brought this up several times, and was like, “come over tonight.” I said, “Some other time. I have things I need to do early tomorrow.” He asked again, I turned him down again. I knew if I went over there, I’d end up staying up till dawn, even if all we did was talk, and I just didn’t have time for that. I of course also wanted to make him want if just a bit more. 😉 And he was like, “But you promise you will?” I said, “I told you I would, just some other time.”

We went outside and were smoking and he started talking to Jared, who was all dressed up in shirt, tie and vest, with…flip-flops. He’d been at the horse races that day. Jacob was telling him how sharp he looked, except for the shoes (I had to agree) and saying how much he loved to get dressed up. All I could think about was how fun it would be to get all dolled up and go to the races with him – I would LOVE to see him really dressed up sharp. The thought kind of made my knees go weak, actually.

So towards the end of the night he’d been on his phone on and off. I was still out there talking to Billy and Jared and Jacob is suddenly like, “Dude we gotta go.” He said this twice, very urgently. Huh. So I don’t know if he had a drug deal or a booty call or what going on. As I was walking to my car he said, “You know I’m gonna text you in like 7 minutes.” I thought he was talking to me, and kind of went, “yeah right” but maybe he was talking to Billy. So of course I didn’t get a text. When I got home I texted him: “So one minute you want me to come over, and the next you’re on a tight schedule. Doesn’t exactly inspire confidence.” No reply.

The next day I had plans to go to a event with L (it ended up being lame). I texted him and asked him what was going on that night. He immediately sent me multiple texts with all these events. I said, “How do you know all this shit, lol?” but he didn’t reply.

Since then I have continued to think about him constantly. It’s kind of like exquisite torture. I’m back to fantasizing about him sexually (often it’s him and Nate doing me at the same time, lol). I don’t even know if a relationship with him would work out, anyway – I’m still extremely wary of the “ex” girlfriend that he seems to keep getting back together with. Probably I’d never be more than a second-tier “convenience” friend, I just don’t think I’m crazy enough to hold his attention for long. But…I want to keep him around. Like I said, I’m jealous of his life and want to be in it. I feel both more attracted to him now, and yet more easy and confident in dealing with him. Because obviously he does like me, and looking back now, I don’t think that anything he did was malicious. I just think he’s the type of person who has a million friends and a very full life, and so maybe he doesn’t take things that seriously. Unfortunately I am the opposite, I wish to god I weren’t.

So. A part of me wants to play the game and ignore him, especially since that’s what he deserves after the way he treated me. Another part of me says, “Fuck it. It would blow his mind if you called him up and asked him to hang out.” It WOULD totally blow his mind. And we do need to talk. When we do I’m thinking about doing something I have never done with anyone in my life: being totally balls-out open and honest; in other words completely vulnerable. Funnily enough, when L and I were out the other night, she said something like “Whatever you usually do, do the opposite.” I don’t remember what it was in reference to, but I’m trying to apply it to everything, and especially to Jacob. I’ve spent all the time I’ve known him trying to protect myself, and I still ended up getting hurt, so maybe it’s time to try something different.

Dr. A told me a long time ago that I needed to be more transparent with men. It’s only recently that I’ve started to realize just what she was talking about: I have to be willing to be vulnerable, which is something I’ve never done. Not even with Mark. I was hurt and rejected when I was young and my default mode became that I didn’t let anything out – or let anyone in. She told me that too, and I didn’t understand what she meant. I didn’t see how I could be any other way. But somehow my conversation with Jacob the other night clued me in: he told me all these wonderful things about myself, and I don’t think he was lying or trying to manipulate me. Whereas I didn’t give him one compliment, because I wanted to somehow retain the upper hand. This is what I’ve always done. The only thing I’ve ever said like that is that he was “too cool” for me. I was just too scared to let him know how much I liked him. And the truth is that in spite of everything, I still think he is one of the most interesting, smart, fun people I’ve ever met, and I love being around him. He intimidates the hell out of me, but at the same time makes me feel great about myself. What would happen if I just told him how I felt? I mean, really, what’s the worst that could happen?  And who knows, maybe something really great could come from it, even if it’s just a friendship. The fact is that I don’t want to be friends with him unless he really lets me in. Maybe I have to open the door first.


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