Frustration

Things have not been going well lately. Its been even slower than usual at my job, I swear I feel like that place is crushing my soul! It’s just such a waste of my time. I checked my bank account today and it was a lot lower than I realized. Even though I get paid on Friday, I may still not quite be able to make rent. Awesome. I’ve started applying for jobs again, but without any enthusiasm.

Since I’ve been feeling kind of depressed in general, I haven’t felt up to really engaging in my online dating stuff, even though I’m really feeling the lack of a man in my life. I still fuck Nate every now and then, but that’s the only romance I’ve got going on. That’s right – big surprise – the Jacob thing is going nowhere. After we ran into each other a couple of weeks ago, I didn’t hear from him until several days later, last Monday to be exact. He wanted to get together that night after we both got off work, and I happily said yes. I brought some extra stuff to work so I could freshen up before I saw him. All day long though, I had this feeling like it just wasn’t going to happen. Sure enough, at around 9:30 he asked if 12:30 was too late, since it looked like he would be at work longer than anticipated (he had originally said around 11:30). I said that was fine. Then an hour later he asked if we could do it on Tuesday, since he had a party of 36 people who were going to stick around late. I was really disappointed, but said ok. What, like he didn’t know about these people until the last minute? Bullshit!

So Tuesday I brought all my extra stuff to work again, even though I still had a bad feeling like it wasn’t going to happen. I hadn’t heard from him all day, so around 5:00 I asked him if we were still on for later. He’s like, “Don’t hate me, but I have to cancel. I’m working again tonight (I had already assumed he was) and I have community service at 6:30 am tomorrow. Rain check for later this week?” I was FURIOUS! I just responded with, “Were you even going to let me know?! Jesus!” There are several issues here. One is that he didn’t let me know we were off – that’s just ridiculous. The other is: community service? As in community service instead of jail time? What the hell has he been up to? Another problem here is that I’m assuming he already knew about both working on Tuesday and the community service when we were texting on Monday – it would be really strange that he wouldn’t know ahead of time. So why the hell did he make plans for Tuesday night when he knew he couldn’t do it? Just to see if I’d say yes? God I hope not, because that means he really is just a dick.

But for the moment I am giving him the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps I’m an idiot but I still really want to talk to him, so on Wednesday I told him my schedule for the rest of the week. No response. On Friday my plans for the evening fell through and I let him know I was available for that evening. He did at least respond that time, to tell me he was closing at work. 😦

Saturday night I went out by myself, and around drunk o’clock had a stupid exchange where I told him I was in the neighborhood (I was) and asked if he was up for a visit. At first I got no answer. Then I told him if the answer was no that was ok, but he could at least give me a response (he had responded 15 minutes earlier about something else, so I knew he was awake.) So then he responds immediately, that he was in bed. Jesus.

I managed to restrain myself and not contact him until yesterday. There’s an event I’m going to on Saturday, and L was being kind of weird about not wanting to go with me, which I was actually really hurt about. C can’t go because she’s working. So I just said, “Fuck it” and asked if he was free on Saturday. He said he was working, that he was flying to SF on the 17th and was working every day until then – holy shit at least I got a response! I told him that I had wanted him to go to this tasting with me and he said, “Dang! I would’ve loved to!” Huh. After a while it dawned on me: the 17th?! He’s working 17 days in a row?! So I texted him to that effect, and told him my schedule this week is pretty open, so to let me know if he wants to do anything. Pathetic, I know, but if he’s going to be scared off by something like that – when he supposedly wants to see  me – then that’s just dumb. The thing is, I don’t know if he DOES want to see me. I honestly thought that he did, but now I’m starting to wonder. Because the thing is, he’s never had a problem with meeting up super late in the past, but now it suddenly seems to be an issue. Also, during all this time I’ve seen him in my FB newsfeed, doing fun stuff and joining various events. Working, hmm? I’m not sure he’s being honest with me, and I really hate that feeling. Maybe he’s met someone? Or he’s back together with old girl? I hate that I let him do this to me, but I can’t seem to help myself. I’m seriously contemplating sending him a private FB message, since we can’t seem to get our scheduling on course. For one thing, I want to let him know that I’m not looking for a relationship with him, at least not right now. Because one possibility for why he’s being so weird is that he thinks I’m trying to catch him in a serious way.  It could be a mistake, but once again, if something like that is going to scare him off, then he’s a coward who doesn’t deserve one second of my time anyway.

Elsewhere on the menz front, I’ve made friends with Frank, one of the other bar N regulars. I met him a while ago, and he made it pretty clear right off the bat that he was interested. I wasn’t, and I’m still not sure that I am. I have recently made the mistake, however, of agreeing to go out with him sometime. Oh, vodka.

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