Why am I such a Fucking Idiot?

I went out with L and C tonight. I looked super cute, pencil skirt and everything. No one hit on any of us. C had to be up early, and L was tired, so they went home around midnight. You know me, if I’m dressed I’m going out. I’m tired of bar TC, bar H is usually lame, and the last time I was at bar N on a Thursday it was slow and weird. So that basically left CB, and that’s where I went. I ordered a beer, and sat there watching tv. No one talked to me. At around 12:45 fucking Jacob walked in with some girl. I just sort of went numb. They walked right past me and sat at the end of the bar. After a bit I had to pee, and on my way to the bathroom they both got up and I kind of ran into him. We both acted surprised and said, “Hi! Good to see you!” He didn’t introduce me to her.

I went to the bathroom and when I came out they were sitting at a table at the back of the bar. I could see them in the mirror on the back bar and they seemed to be having a very intense conversation. I tried not to watch them but I couldn’t help myself. The way they were talking, I started to wonder if it was his ex. I just sat there watching them, drinking my beer. Eventually he started touching her arms as he was talking. I finished my drink a few minutes after last call, and went outside to smoke. I couldn’t say if I wanted him to come out or not. Eventually they did, six-pack to-go in hand. Of course he didn’t look for me, and he either didn’t see me or pretended he didn’t. I was just finishing my cigarette, and as I walked by him to go to my car, I put my hand on his shoulder and said, “Bye.” He said, “Good to see you,” and I just kind of smiled and walked away, flicking the last of my cig on the ground. I had wanted to be very cool and casual about the whole thing, but I’m pretty sure I blew it on that score. Fuck.

So many thoughts. So many emotions. Mostly I just keep thinking about how fucking stupid I am. He has to work 17 days in a row?! Yeah fucking right. I knew that was a lie, but kept wanting to make excuses for him. Why is he so nice to me sometimes, acting like he’s interested, and then just bugs out? I don’t get it! He is supposedly too busy to hang out with me, but obviously they were going back to his place – hence the 6-pack. Whether she is just a friend or not, it really doesn’t matter. I pretty much got the idea that he was no longer interested when he kept cancelling and then said he was busy for the next 2 1/2 weeks, but I suppose I stupidly still had some kind of hope. What is wrong with him? He’s the one who got in touch with me and wanted to hang out in the first place. What is wrong with me? He’s done this to me more than once already, but I still keep insisting that he’s not just a jerk. The bottom line is that “he’s just not that into me,” but I keep fighting it. Stupid. So glad now that I didn’t lay all my cards on the table as I had planned, but yet also disappointed that I didn’t get the opportunity to do so.

I just don’t understand. I’ve been hurt and rejected my entire life, and I truly don’t deserve it. I’m cute, smart, fun, kind, loving, sexy. Or at least I’ve been told that I’m those things. People get on to me because they don’t think that I think well enough of myself, but the fact is that I do think pretty well of myself – it just never seems to result in getting the guy that I want. And that makes me start to wonder if any of those nice things are really true. People say that you need to be able to be by yourself and be ok with it before you can really be with someone else. Well I have been ok with it. Honestly. The truth is, though, that the only thing I want out of life – the only I’ve ever really wanted – is to be with someone I want, who truly wants me back. The rest of it – money, career, prestige, whatever – can all go to hell. And it’s the one thing I’ve never been able to have. The truth is that I settled for Brad, and I settled for Mark, and in the end even they rejected me. Given the evidence, I don’t know how I can go on thinking that I’m so great, when I just keep getting rejected. I’m sorry, but I don’t want to settle for some “nice guy” that I’m not attracted to. It’s not like I’m only attracted to alpha males or something. Quite the opposite! I often like the ones that are quite quirky, that most girls wouldn’t be into.

I just don’t get it. It’s not fair, dammit! Did I do something horrible in a past life to deserve this? The other thing that bugs me is that I’ve been told by therapists and others that I shouldn’t think negatively, but rather trust my intuition, and anticipate a positive outcome. I have truly tried to do that in the past 6 months or so, but it hasn’t worked – I just got even more crushed than I would have if I would have stuck to my usual “negative” wait and see attitude. I felt very positive about Jason. I felt very positive about the Jacob situation this time around. And look what happened. I got my heart broken, again. At this point I feel like it’s dead, pulverized into a million tiny pieces. I don’t know how much more I can take. I wish I could just live my life without worrying about men, and believe me I have tried. But I just don’t think it’s possible for me. I don’t want to live the rest of my life alone, but right now it feels like that’s what’s going to happen. I am so heartbroken right now I don’t know what to do. I feel so stupid. It’s like I haven’t learned anything at all in the past 20 years, and that is a truly depressing thought. I don’t know how to go on.

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