Rock bottom? God I fucking hope so!

Things have been truly horrible lately. I ran into Jacob last Thursday, with some girl, and he basically ignored me. I freaked the fuck out when I got home and cried myself to sleep. I know that it could have been anything, but the fact that when I ran into him with a guy he was so eager to talk to me and have me come over, but with a girl he ignored me, it just sent me over the edge. The next day I was hung over and miserable and was checking his FB. I saw that he had plans with the same cute blond girl (her name is Ashley, of course) he was in pics with a while back. He had also sent her a comment that said, “And by the way, you are sweeter than a sugar cube dipped in honey.” That is NOT something you say to someone who is just a friend. I don’t know if this is his ex or someone new, but in any case it sent me even more over the edge. I sent him some stupid text about how he was a bad person and blah blah blah. He texted back asking what my fucking problem was and what was my damage. I was hurt, to say the least. I can’t stand people being mad at me, though, so I basically just said, forget it, I’m human, I made a mistake in bringing it up. He said, “I think you’re radical and great and awesome, but you need to not be so intense or get so, so volatile.” I told him that I wasn’t used to dealing with someone who runs so hot and cold, and he said, “Wanna run hot over here?” I just said, “What?” and he said, “Yeah.” I told him that I thought he had to work, and he said he had to work in an hour and a half. I had already been planning on going to see a movie downtown that afternoon, so I decided I would run over there on the way – he would totally not expect it.

So I did. He kept being like, “I can’t believe you came over. That’s amazing. You’re amazing.” I honestly don’t know if he meant that in a good way, or a weird way. At one point he said, “You look so cute, I just want to grab you and kiss you, may I do that?” I said, “No, none of THAT will be happening for the foreseeable future.” At some point he told me I was smart, and hot. He also asked me what a nice girl like me was doing hanging out at a bar like CB (where I had run into him with that chick). I was just kind of like, “What, why wouldn’t I hang out there? And didn’t you introduce me to it anyway?” Fucking great, he thinks I’m the nice girl!! People tend to think this about me because I’m kind of quiet, I guess, and I fucking hate it! I mean, I am nice in the sense that I’m a very nice person, and I generally stay out of trouble. I don’t do drugs (it’s not on principle or anything, I just haven’t really liked the ones I’ve tried) and have only been arrested once, for a DUI, years ago. But it’s not like I’m unaware of what goes on in the world, or afraid of gritty situations. I happen to love grimy dive bars (and CB isn’t really that grimy) and the characters that come with them. I’ve been in a few mosh pits, and to a hell of a lot of punk rock/hardcore shows at some nasty ass falling down houses. And when it comes to sex, oh my lord, don’t get me started. He would probably be shocked by how dirty I can be. I’m certainly not a bad girl, but I’m no fucking Pollyanna either. This is exactly the little box that my very first boyfriend tried to put me in over 20 years ago, and I hated it then, too.

Anyway, on my way out I said, “I wasn’t trying to be weird earlier, I just…I’m not used to dealing with someone who operates the way you do.” We basically both told each other that we’re weirdos. He gave me a hug and said, “So good to see you,” and I left. After the movie I wrote him this long ass FB message trying to explain why I had gotten so upset. That I wasn’t stalking him, and that I wasn’t trying to have a relationship with him, even though I think he’s pretty amazing. That my life had gone to shit and I was feeling overly emotional, etc, etc. I ended by saying that I wouldn’t bug him anymore, and that the ball was in his court.

The next day I went to this event I had really wanted to go to. Predictably, L flaked on me, so I had to go by myself. It was a cocktail and beer tasting, and it didn’t take long before I was a little buzzed. I texted him, “Too bad you couldn’t make it, super fun!” After a while he responded, “I wish! Work sucks!” I sent back, “Course it does, that’s why it’s called work!”

I ended up going to IH later, where some ugly dude hit on me four – four! – times. Why don’t the cute ones ever do that? I hit up bar N for a round, then texted Nate: “Tell me you want me to come over.” He said he did, but that he couldn’t stay up late, it would have to be a fuck and leave kind of thing. I said fine. After we were done I told him about all the fantasies I have about him while I’m getting off (I was pretty fucked up, lol!).

I’ve been working at the bar since Sunday, and the money has been absolutely horrible. Plus I’ve started to regret writing Jacob that letter. If I could have just been patient and cool about the whole thing…sigh. But that has always been my downfall. I’m a fun, smart, cute girl, but I always lose my shit around guys that I like. I still haven’t heard from him, and I’m pretty upset about that. I really bared my soul in that letter, and he can’t even give me a response? Really? Not even to say that he can’t deal and don’t talk to me anymore? I sooo don’t want to believe that he’s just a jerk, but I don’t know what else to think at this point. It makes me really sad.

So I’ve been dealing with that, and it’s made me completely miserable and depressed. There was also the fact that I could only pay rent by today (the 7th!) because I was totally broke. Then today on my way to work my car broke down. Yup. I managed to make it to the parking lot at work, thank god. After everything else that’s been going on, all I could do was laugh. I have AAA so the tow to my mechanic was covered, but I forgot to give the tow driver my car keys. So now I have to figure out a way to get them over there in the morning. I only have $200 to my name right now. My parents are going to help me, but this is still very bad.

I can only hope that this is finally the bottom of the downward spiral my life has been on, and that things will start looking up soon. It is a possibility: I have a job interview at a new restaurant. So we’ll see. I’m really trying to focus on what I need to do and not worry about men, but it’s very difficult since I’m so lonely. And horny. 😉


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