Friday night: 40-year old men, and I learn something new about my sexual preferences.
On Friday night I went out by myself to bar WS. Out on the smoking patio, I saw this guy down the way literally do a double-take when he saw me. He wasn’t especially good-looking, but that kind of thing is always gratifying. He made his way over to talk to me. I give him props for that, it takes balls. Unfortunately, the up-close view was even worse: he looked kind of like Skeletor, you know with the gaunt cheekbones and all that. He told me he was 40 – he looked older. We chatted for a bit and then I escaped back into the bar. A few minutes later I was in line to get a drink and this other guy comes up to me. He said that his friend (Skeletor) was very attracted to me, and… I said, “I’m sorry, I’m not interested” in the kindest tone of voice I could use. He said, “Oh it’s like that. Sorry to bother you.” I said, “It’s ok, I understand,” with a smile. I thought that was the end of it, but then a little while later I saw Skeletor waving at me from across the bar. Really, did your friend not give you the message? I decided it was time to leave, so I ended up at bar N.
There was another regular there, this guy Nick. Not my usual type, but a very handsome face. We started talking, and it turns out he’s 40. Weird. In his case he doesn’t look it – I would have guessed him 30 at most. This was kind of exciting – a possible dating prospect! I must have been way drunker than I realized, because we ended up making out in the middle of the bar. Great, can’t go back to bar N for a while.
We went back to his place and chatted for a while, then started making out. He’s a decent kisser, and it was nice to be with someone a lot bigger and more manly for a change. We got naked and went up to the bedroom. I don’t remember a whole lot after that, but I do remember noticing that he had a vanishingly small penis. I’m not kidding, I could barely see the poor little thing. At one point he got up to go to the bathroom or something, and I realized: “Oh shit, he’s a fatty!” Long normal-looking legs, but totally a tubby belly. I was immediately and completely turned off.
The next morning he was trying to cuddle me, and I kept scooting away, acting like I was still asleep. I just COULD NOT go there. I think I was still a little drunk, but the only thought in my mind was I’ve got to get the hell out of here! He said something about getting my number, but I somehow wiggled out of it. I know I hurt his feelings, and I felt really really bad. I still do. He seemed like a really nice guy, and we were having a fun conversation, and he had such a handsome face. I’m kind of surprised at myself, that I had such a visceral reaction to his body. I feel so shallow and awful, and it’s not like I have a perfect body, but I honestly could not control my reaction. Mostly I feel bad that I might have hurt him. That is not at all what I’m about. It also bothers me because I’ve never been especially slim myself – for years I was a solid size 10 (most of it on the bottom half), and I’ve lost weight enough over the last few months to put me in an 8 (and I’m only 5’4″). I’m not chunky, but I’m never going to be a bikini model, either. So on top of the general guilt, I also feel like something of a hypocrite.
Despite my shame about this whole sordid situation, I do feel a certain level of intellectual curiosity about my own reaction: So apparently I can get down with super skinny dudes no problem, but I CANNOT go in the other direction. Good to know, but when did this happen exactly? It’s not like he’s obese, and I’ve been with slightly chunky guys before. My ex was kind of stocky, and I admit that there was a period in our relationship where I was getting a little turned off because he was gaining weight. There were times when certain things about Jason and Jacob’s skinniness kind of bothered me, too. But neither of those reactions was to this extent, not even close. It was almost a panic sort of feeling. That is deeply weird to me.
Saturday Night: The two J’s strike again.
Saturday I had planned to go dancing, since I didn’t work out all day. But I heard from L and decided to hang out with her – I just wasn’t feeling up to the lone wolf thing that night. We went to bar IH, and as I predicted, she loved it! I was in a super good mood for some reason (vodka is usually a happy drunk for me) and having a great time. I also felt like I looked extra cute. I was wearing go-to outfit #2: black pencil skirt, black and white striped top, and flats – I always feel like I should be in the movie Grease when I wear it, and somehow it suits me. We were hanging out at the bar talking about guys (big surprise!) and generally having a good time.
Then at one point I looked over into the “party” room where the Mr. A’s people always hang out and saw a skinny guy rubbing the back of his head. Crap. That is one of Jacob’s constant gestures. I could only see him from the back, though, so I wasn’t 100% sure that it was him. So I texted him “Are you at IH right now?” He sends back, “Yes. With coworkers.” I was going to text back, “Um, duh, I can see that,” but L wouldn’t let me.
Around midnight we went outside to smoke, and Justin texted me: “What ya doin?” I told him and he says, “I’m just sitting at home.” I just said, “Ok.” Like I’m going to ditch my friend and drive 25 minutes just to fuck him!
We went back inside until the bar was closing, and Jacob never came by to say hello, big fucking surprise. I thought about going over to him, but I didn’t. He was the one with a big group of people – wouldn’t want to embarrass him or anything.
I used the bathroom before we left, and while I was in there I texted Justin – it was only 1:30, and L was pretty fucked up, so I was just going to drop her home. I want to turn him into my new fuck buddy, especially since he actually likes to go down, unlike Nate – and I’m ready to get the show on the fucking road! He said that yes, he still wanted to hang out, and texted me the address. A whole 15 minutes later I was dropping L off and he texts me that he’s really tired, can he take a rain check? Grrrr! I sighed, and told him I was off Tues and Wed night.
So I ended up hanging out with L for a couple of hours. At 2:19 am I got a text from Jacob: “Were you there?” You have got to be fucking kidding me! I said: duh. He says, “In a pretty dress! What are you doing now?” Good lord, these guys are killing me! I said, “So obviously you saw me, why are you playing coy?” I basically told him that obviously he knew I was at the bar, and so I thought it was rude that he didn’t come by and say hello. He replied that it was “intense coworker vent night” and that he didn’t want “classy” me involved with “sloppy” them. Whatever, he is so weird! He said he wanted to have a cocktail at my place (wow, willing to come to me, that’s a first) and talk art, that he missed it. I said that the only reason he wanted to talk to me all of a sudden was that he was drunk and horny. He said that he wasn’t and kept going on about art talk, so I said, “Ok. I call your bluff. Lunch tomorrow?” and he said yes, but “art talk tonight!” By this point it was four in the morning and I just wanted to go to sleep, so I told him no.
Sunday: Second verse, same as the first. This morning at 10 am I asked him where we were going for lunch. No response. Ok, maybe he’s still asleep, I ended up going back to sleep myself. I already knew he would break our lunch date, but at 1:00 I asked him if we were still on. An hour and a half later he said that he had gotten called in to work at 4:30. Of course! I am getting extremely frustrated by all these missed connections! Between him and Justin, it’s getting a little ridiculous. I was going to send him a snarky reply when I got to work, but I changed my mind and simply said: “I miss talking with you as well. 🙂 My schedule is pretty open this week if you still want a convo.” He sent back “Yes!” so I gave him my schedule. I am very interested to see if he actually tries to meet up this week. I doubt it, but you just never know with him.
Last night when I got home from work I decided to check up on his FB page. Oh, guess what – “Jacob attended a pool party” on Sunday. (Strangely, I had thought about attending this very event myself). Now, it is possible that he really did get called in to work, since the pool party started at 1:00. That doesn’t change the fact that he lied to me. Again. I’m so tempted to text him about it, but I’m not going to – I don’t want to start a text war. If and when we actually meet up, though, I WILL call him on it. I suppose I should just cut him off, but the truth is that I don’t want to. It’s something I’ve only done once in my life: to my very first boyfriend Brian, who Jacob is so much like. You’d think that that would tell me something, lol! But I guess I am just one stubborn, stupid bitch.