Struggling…

I am not doing as well as I had hoped with the new responsible me routine, and it’s really depressing me. I was good for that one week, but since then I have fallen off the wagon several times, and I’ve definitely gained back some weight because of it. Last night was probably the worst case. I’ve managed to get caught up, and perhaps slightly ahead on my class, and so I decided to check out the happy hour at IH – cheap food as well as drink specials. Got all gussied up and went over there, poked my head in the door, and there’s like three old dudes sitting there. Well. Not exactly what I had in mind. I really needed to eat, and thought about bar N since it was right there and it’s cheap, but I felt like I was too dressed up. Stupid, I know, but my brain works in strange ways some times. Hell, who am I kidding, most of the time!

I was drawing a blank on where I could get some food and a glass of wine, and that would be at least semi-social, so I ended up deciding on Starlite. Expensive, but great food and drinks. I had hoped to get a seat at the bar, so there was at least the possibility of striking up a conversation with someone, but of course it was full. Sigh. I was starving, so I went ahead and sat at a table by myself. There was a guy by himself having dinner at the table next to mine, but he was too old for me.The burger seemed like the least expensive choice for something that would fill me up, and it was delicious as always. I had the cheapest glass of wine on the menu. For dessert I decided to splurge on a house cocktail, and went out to the patio to smoke. Alas, the bar was full and everyone was coupled up.

Long story short, dinner cost me $37 after tax and tip, and I didn’t speak to a soul.  This is exactly the kind of thing I’ve been trying to avoid, and actually I haven’t spent this much on dinner in a while, but it still felt like kind of a failure. I found out the other day that I have a $600 balance on my Amex (!) – I had no idea it was that much, I’d thought my balance was maybe half that. I sent a $300 payment, but I’m freaked out and pretty much strapped for the rest of the month. So $37 dinners are not an option!

And yet, I decided to keep the party going. I suppose I was determined to talk to someone. The plan was that I would stop drinking by midnight and be in bed by 1:00. I stopped by BP and had a beer. Nothing. I went into WCT and at first thought I’d hit the jackpot – a big group of guys! Closer inspection revealed that none of them were attractive, however. Where the hell is everyone on a Thursday night in this town?! By this point my friend C had gotten in touch to see what I was doing – she was getting off work soon. There was one place that I felt pretty sure would be happening on a Thursday, and it was in her neighborhood, so I decided to go there. She said she’d meet me in a bit.

Got to bar OS, and sure enough there was a sizable crowd for karaoke night. I ordered a light beer and waited for C. There were a few cute guys, but most of the crowd was older – weird. C walks in and immediately gets hit on by the cutest guy in the place, of course. I wish I had a secret video camera or something, this phenomenon is kind of unbelievable. He and his friend (not cute) introduced themselves, and C and cutie talked for a while. I went out to smoke and she came out after a few minutes kind of shaking her head. Apparently he was really annoying, just kept asking a million stupid questions. We went back in and he was sitting with some other girl talking to her. Really? Wow. So then the friend starting hitting on C. She told me later he was sooo boring. At least I wasn’t missing out on much.

The best guy in the bar was the bartender. I had noticed he was cute when we’d been in before, and he seems cool. Later on in the night he gave us a couple of girly shots for free. Nice!

I kept saying I couldn’t stay out too late, but we ended up staying until almost closing time. Oh, Jennifer, what discipline! C had recorded the new episode of Vampire Diaries that night (we’re both obsessed with it) and I couldn’t resist going back to her place to watch it. So I ended up not getting in bed until after 3:00. the plan for today had been to get up around 9:00 and get a shit ton of stuff done, but that obviously didn’t happen. Even though I honestly didn’t drink that much, I had a massive headache and didn’t haul my fat ass out of bed until around noon. It is now 3:30 pm, so I have just about enough time to fit in a workout before I go to work. Good job Jen! And the worst part is that last night was totally not worth it. At all!

So I still haven’t started looking for jobs, and I’ve gained back a bunch of weight. It’s just that I’m so lonely and depressed that after a few days of isolation it’s really hard to deny myself a night out. I know that this is going to be a process – completely changing your lifestyle of 20 years is a pretty big deal – but I’m very frustrated with myself right now.

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