Black. Depression. That’s where I am right now. That’s why I haven’t written in so long – I haven’t felt able to. I don’t even know where to start. Too much partying. Way too much. Trying to erase the pain, and of course it doesn’t work. Nate seems to have dropped off the face of the Earth. I’ve had sex once in the past two months, and the few flashes I remember…well let’s just say it wasn’t worth it. Hell I didn’t even think the guy was cute, I just so desperately needed to feel something, just get laid, and in the moment it didn’t matter who it was. I’ve had a string of guys hit on me, none of whom were attractive, some of whom were downright psycho. At first I couldn’t figure out what was going on, I was just angry: why is this happening to me?! Now I think I know what the problem is: I’m so miserable, so unhappy, that it’s somehow drawing negative people to me. It doesn’t help that my new friend Lynn is having the time of her life having sex with various super-hot dudes, and I am jealous beyond belief. Two of my friends have moved away, L and D. C is dating some dude who she’s not really that into, but in any case I don’t see her very often anymore. I feel like I have to start all over building up a group of friends, and quite frankly I don’t have the energy. I keep getting sick, so those rare times that I do feel productive never build any momentum. And so I’m stuck, starting over, again and again and again. Lynn tells me I’m too hard on myself, but she doesn’t get it – she has a career, and financial stability, and hot guys all over the place. Hell she’s already been married and divorced. She’s already had everything that I have failed to achieve. Am I hard on myself? Damned right I am, because I am nearly 40 years old and have failed at life. In every aspect: financially, career-wise, relationships. All shit. I saw Matt a couple of weeks ago, but I don’t really think he’s that interested; same goes for Johnny. This one guy Jesse is super into me, and he’s nice, and age-appropriate, and stable, and so of course I don’t find him attractive. I really really wish that chemistry and attraction didn’t matter, but damn it they do, and I have absolutely no control over it. I have a date tomorrow night with this guy I met online, but I don’t have high hopes. I kind of feel sorry for this guy in advance. I really shouldn’t be dating at all right now, not until I can pull myself out of this funk. I’m so down I just really don’t have much to say. And yet I can’t seem to stop looking. Story of my life.