Cruel to be Kind

I find myself in a position that I hate. This guy Jesse is really into me and I can’t return the sentiment. We met a few weeks ago at my neighborhood bar, went to Lynn’s house and hung out some more, then I ended up going home with some other guy. The thing is, the night that we met, I was so wasted I didn’t even remember meeting him. Lynn texted me a couple of days later telling me he kept talking about me, and my response was, “Who?” Yeah, not my finest hour. She sent me a picture, and he looked maybe cute but I couldn’t really tell . About a week later she texted me that she was at a party and Jesse was there, so I took the opportunity to go and size him up. We talked for a long time and he seemed really nice but I wasn’t really attracted to him. Of course, right?

We met again a few days later at the same bar and hung out at Lynn’s place for the after party. I was making everyone my special cocktails, and we all ended up getting really fucked up. Somehow he and I ended up outside talking for a really long time about relationships and what not, and I got really upset and started crying, and he was very sweet about it, saying “You’re broken, aren’t you? You’ve been hurt a lot.” I just nodded. We ended up making out for quite a while. We went back inside and hung out for quite a while longer. He eventually passed out on the couch, and Lynn and I were still talking, and after a while she says, “Oh my god, the sun is coming up!” Holy. Shit. We were still super awake, and so decided to go get mimosas at 6:30 in the morning, lol! We came back a couple of hours later, and Jesse was still there asleep. I took him back to my place, out of a lack of any better idea of what to do with him. I put on my pjs and we slept for a while. He tried to mess around a little bit, but I always stopped him. He finally left at around noon.

Since then he’s texted me a few times, and I answered, but shortly. Tonight I hit up the same bar after playing my usual Tuesday trivia, and Lynn was there. She and I were just hanging out talking, and then Jesse and his friend Ryan (one of Lynn’s fuck buddies) showed up. Crap. I knew this would happen, but I guess I had been hoping to put it off. So of course Ryan starts talking to Lynn, and Jesse starts talking to me. We were having a good conversation, but I couldn’t help worrying how this was all going to end.

At closing time we were all out on the sidewalk having one last smoke, and Lynn is like, “So what are we doing? We can all go to my place.” I said I needed to go home, I have to get up, which is true. I finished my cigarette, and said, “Well goodnight kids.” Jesse offered to walk me to my car, and I said, “No that’s ok, thanks.” And just kept walking.

I could have said yes, and told him what the deal is. I admit that it was selfish, I wanted to avoid an awkward conversation. I don’t know which would have been worse for him – having to walk back over to them after I rejected him, or the way that I did it. Fuck! I feel really bad. I so did not mean to lead this guy on, but I feel like I did. I so wish I could be into him, because he seems like a really good guy, but I just can’t. FML.

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