Well it’s been a long time since I’ve posted, not really sure why. Now I think it’s time to write again. So, the super duper short version: I dated this guy Sam all summer, then dumped him, Nate moved back to the Midwest and it’s killing me I miss him so much, I went through a period where I was constantly dating, I started seeing a new guy a few weeks ago but I’m not sure if I’m into it, and I’m currently trying to dry out so I can finally find a new job. Whew!
So I guess the thing weighing on my mind the most at the moment is the situation with this new guy, Jordan. He contacted me on an online dating site about a month ago or so, when I was in the middle of an online dating frenzy. (I have since taken my profile down, it was just too much of a distraction when I’m trying to get my life together.) We met up at bar H and had a few beers. It went pretty well, but I wasn’t head over heels or anything. I still feel that way, and I can’t put my finger on why.
So first the good stuff: he seems really sweet, he’s smart, he’s cute, he’s tall, and he’s different. He’s close to my age (he’s 36). We’re both atheists who like sci-fi. He’s a good kisser and very affectionate, even in public. The sex isn’t mind-blowing, but it’s good – he has a pretty big dick, likes to go down, and he often stays hard after he comes, yay! He’s an ultra-hiker / trail runner / camping kind of guy – he ran 30 miles the other day and was annoyed that he ran out of steam at mile 21. Really! He blows glass as a hobby, which I think is deeply cool. He loves animals and has a really sweet cat who likes me. He is employed (at REI, natch) and has his own car.
Now the not-so-great stuff: he’s basically a hippie. This in itself is not a problem, but it’s definitely new territory for me – I’m used to ironic, sarcastic guys with a little edge. He has a roommate, and sleeps on a futon mattress on the floor. (The roommate thing is way too common these days – get it together, gentlemen!) I thought this wouldn’t be a big deal – we could just sleep over here most of the time – but now he’s complaining he’s too tall for my bed, which is apparently also too soft. I am too “aggressive and physical” in bed when I’m a bit tipsy, whereas I wish he would be more that way. I want to be spanked, and held down, and fucked hard. I also want to be wined and dined, and that is just not his thing, plus he doesn’t really make a lot of money. In fact, we often go Dutch. He likes girls who don’t wear makeup; I like to dress up and get complimented on the results.
I was hoping that dating someone like this would help me to get out of the worst of my bar-happy habits. I actually really like hiking and camping, and would love to do more of that kind of thing, as opposed to just getting wasted all the time. So my thinking was that this could prove to be really good for me. I suppose that makes me a user in a weird way, but it’s not like he wouldn’t be getting anything out of it, namely lots of sex. So far it hasn’t proven to be the case, although I know it hasn’t been that long. We had our first outdoor outing the other day, and it was really nice. We both have kind of weird schedules, and he was gone to some hippie festival for a whole weekend, so there hasn’t been a lot of opportunity so far. We’ve gone out to the bars a few times, to a movie last night, and have hung out a few times at each other’s apartment. We actually had not gone to a restaurant together until brunch (my idea, of course) a couple of days ago. He almost always has me pick what we’re going to do, which is good and bad. It’s nice doing what I want to do, but I always take his preferences and budget into account when I’m coming up with something, anyway. More importantly… dammit, be a man sometimes! Tell me to dress up and then just come get me! Take me somewhere cool, try to impress me! But that is not going to happen with him, and I need to decide if it’s a dealbreaker or not.
I don’t know if those are legitimate complaints or if I’m being narrow-minded and shallow. I don’t know if the chemistry truly isn’t right, or if there’s something else going on. Is it not the right time? Am I letting my reservations about his living situation and lifestyle get in the way? Or am I right to hold out for someone who will sweep me off my feet? My first response is to write him off as just not being the right guy, but maybe I need to be patient. I want fireworks, a sense of instant, sparkling chemistry, but the guys I’ve had that with have turned out to either be assholes or unavailable. So maybe what I was feeling wasn’t “chemistry” but rather the excitement and drama of becoming infatuated with someone I couldn’t have. That’s what the rational part of me says, anyway.
Or am I just a loner, incapable of letting anyone in? Maybe I’m just not meant to be with anyone. The funny thing is, that doesn’t upset me for the reasons you’d think it would. I’m not craving a boyfriend or anything. I had been thinking that when I finally manage to get my life together and am doing work at my level, then I’ll find someone. But now…I don’t know. I’ve started to think maybe there’s something not quite right with me, in terms of my ability (or lack thereof) to connect with people. My only “best friend” has been Nikki, who was my bestie from 7th grade until junior year of college. It didn’t end well. I’ve had other friends over the years, but nothing where I felt truly connected in that same way. I’m coming to realize the friends I’ve made here in the city are really more like drinking buddies. I don’t feel like I’ve ever really and truly been in love (except maybe with Nate, more on that in another post), and certainly no one has ever been in love with me. That used to make me really sad, to the point of tears, but now I just feel kind of numb about it.
And that’s how I feel about this whole Jordan thing.
Because I have to say, if relationships really are this boring, I don’t think I want one. I enjoy my time with Jordan, but not enough to say that I only want to be with him. I’m still holding out for the fire, passion, laughter, intensity. I know that stuff doesn’t last forever, but I feel like it should be there in the beginning. Or maybe I’m just an idiot whose expectations are way too high. Or maybe I’m so depressed about my life in general I can’t really feel anything right now. I just don’t know!