About six weeks ago I met this guy, I’ll call him Al. He was too young (29) and fresh out of a live-in relationship. Danger danger! But I had the best time I’ve had with a guy in a long, long time. We had a lot in common in spite of the age difference, and I’m not sure I’ve ever been so viscerally attracted to someone I was actually dating. So I went ahead with this high risk situation, despite my misgivings.
Last Thursday I went out and had a few beers with a friend, she went home early, and I decided to hit up bar TC for one last round. I texted Al and asked him out to go see my friend’s band on Sunday night, and not five minutes later looked up to see him at the end of the bar with some cute blonde. My heart stopped. I said out loud, “You have got to be fucking kidding me.” I walked over, grabbed his shoulder, and said “Hi!” then slammed out the door. I lit a cigarette, shaking, waiting for him to come out after me. After a good five minutes they both came out. He looked at me and said, “Are you ok?” I nodded. He said, “Jen, this is my friend Alex.” I shook her hand and said “Nice to meet you.” He asks, “Are you sure you’re ok?” I said, “Yep.” He says, “Well we’re gonna take off, call you tomorrow.” Like it didn’t even fucking matter.
I didn’t hear from him all night. I woke up at 10 the next day, in shock that he couldn’t even be bothered to talk to me about it. I sent him a text that tried to explain that I wasn’t mad that he was on a date, but that he seemed to be being such a dick about the whole thing. I sent another very short one at 2 in which I apologized for “an overly emotional reaction.” At 3 in the afternoon, I finally got a text that said that said he was “sorry for the way things went down,” but that I couldn’t be mad at him about a conversation we never had, and had “probably avoided.” I asked him if he wanted to talk, he said he couldn’t he was on his way to work. Well how convenient! I made clear that I would like to talk to him at his earliest convenience, but of course I haven’t heard from him. I am still really upset and hurt about the whole thing. I was worried from the beginning because I didn’t see how this could all work out in the end, but I surely didn’t expect it to end this way. So I wrote a letter to him, just to get all this junk out of my head. He’ll never see it, but here it is:
I’m sorry for the way this happened. But actually I could’ve reacted much worse. I didn’t yell at you, or at her. I didn’t say anything, really, I was just obviously upset, and I won’t apologize for being upset. I would give a lot to be able to rewind the clock and do it differently, but I can’t. As I said, the fact that you went out with someone else isn’t what pissed me off. I wasn’t happy about it, but you’re right, we never had that discussion. It was a discussion that I wanted to have, and was honestly just waiting until you’d gotten settled into your new place – I know how crazy and stressful moving is, and I wanted you to be in a more settled frame of mind. I would have talked to you on Monday, but we didn’t really have a chance. I wanted to see you later that week not only to see you, but so that we could have that discussion. That is one of the reasons I was so upset: you basically blew me off to go out with her. That is of course your right, you’re not obligated to go out with me at any particular time. But it just made it feel that much worse. Then to show up at a place that you know is a regular hangout of mine…I really hope that was her idea, because it’s very disrespectful.
And then when you acted like the whole thing was just no big deal, and I didn’t hear from you until late the next afternoon, well that really fucking hurt. It shocked me, actually. I just couldn’t believe that you would be that insensitive. All you would have had to do was take a moment to text me something like “I’m so sorry that just happened. I promise I’ll call you tomorrow.” And then do it. Not when you’re on your way out the door to work. That was a pretty jerk move, by the way. So from my perspective it’s not like you handled this perfectly, either.
So yes, I was very upset. I would hope that you would be at least a little upset if you happened to run into ME on a date. Maybe you wouldn’t, I don’t really know. And if that’s the case, then I feel like even more of a fool. No, we had never agreed to be exclusive, and I was very much aware of that. I hung out with a couple of guys during the past month or so. But they weren’t dates, they were people that I ran into while I was out, one of whom I had been dating briefly before I met you. And being with them pretty much confirmed, that yes, I was having an unusually good time with you. Apparently I am different from most women. I don’t get attached through sex, but through having a great time with someone.
I’m not going to apologize for being hurt. I think that’s a pretty normal reaction to a situation like this, especially when you actually really like the other person. Because I really liked you. A lot. More than I wanted to. You’re smart, and sexy, and fun, and I always had such an amazing time with you. You said you liked the way I made you feel. Well the feeling was mutual. I definitely had reservations about you – so young, and fresh out of a serious relationship. It was a high risk situation, but I hadn’t had such a good time in so long…I just couldn’t give it up. It’s pretty rare for me to meet people that I click with, so this just felt like wow, finally!
And then when you asked me to trivia on Monday, it seemed like maybe a step forward – nice, I finally get to meet the friends! I see now that that wasn’t your intention, but that’s what went through my head. And then that night went great, and you were all over me, and gazing into my eyes, and all that, and it just felt so amazing. So when you refused to make plans for later in the week, I was confused, and started wondering if something was up. But I thought that basically things with us were ok, and so on Thursday I asked you out for Sunday night. But then not five minutes later I see you with another girl, well I felt like I had whiplash or something. It just seemed like such a sudden turn from where I thought we had been, and I felt like such an idiot. I have a tender heart, and it’s been stepped on an awful lot, which makes every rejection just feel that much worse.
So again, I won’t apologize for being into you. I had thought you were into me. I thought you were different, actually a good guy, but if you can’t even be bothered to talk to me…I’m really sorry it had to end this way. I thought you were amazing, and that we could have had an incredible time together. I suppose that it’s better that it ended now as opposed to later, since I didn’t see how it could possibly work out in the end. That’s what I really wanted to talk to you about, and I hate that I didn’t get that chance. I guess the joke is on me, yet again.