I Heart English Boys!

The Green-Eyed Monster Rears Its Ugly Head

Well I did mostly follow through on my good intentions of last week. I got up at around 9 am every day and worked on my class nonstop. I did end up buying a pack of cigarettes, but I managed to cut way back on how many I was smoking per day. I didn’t go out until last Sunday, to the Adams Avenue Street Fair. As usual, I ended up taking forever to get out of the house, so I didn’t get there until almost 5 pm (the fair ended at 7). But I still managed to discover a band I liked (Neveready) and see Mojo Nixon. I went cheap on the food – a slice of cheese pizza – and bought a couple of beers. It’s a street fair, how can you not drink some beer?

So after everything was over I headed to bar OS. I ran into this guy P who C and I had met at her neighbor’s party a few weeks ago. He was with a friend who was semi-cute, who I will call J. I hung with them for a while, and at one point J mentioned his girlfriend. Well there goes that possibility. After a bit C came and joined us. It turned out that P was into her. Of course he is, just like every other fucking guy in the universe. I’m not interested in him, but still! This is getting really annoying. I’m a damn good-looking woman, and when I’m out by myself I have no problem getting guys. If I’m out with her, I’m lucky if I end up with the not-cute friend. I just don’t get it. I know that she’s a skinny blond chick, but I honestly think I’m just as pretty as she is, just in a very different way. Does every guy on the planet really just want a blond? That’s a depressing thought. The whole thing makes me feel like I’m back in high school, jealous of all the “pretty” girls. Yuck. I need to just get over it, but this a very old and very deep wound.

Anyway, we all kept drinking and then headed to a bar down the way. By this point we were all pretty loaded. We played 80s music on the jukebox and the boys started dancing with us, twirling us around and all that. It was fun. At some point J says, “So, you wanna make out or something? God, those lips…” I was like, “Um, don’t you have a girlfriend?” At this point P somehow stepped in and said, “Well, he sort of does…” I told him that that was a line I would not cross, sorry. After a while I started thinking I should have just done it, but whatever.

We all walked back to C’s house, arm in arm with the guys. I don’t even remember what J and I talked about.  We got back to the house and all lounged on the sofa, me with my legs up in J’s lap and C cuddled up with P. She’s not into him, and to me letting him do that is leading him on, but hey it’s her life. She let me make the call as to how to handle the sleeping situation, and I told her I’d rather just sleep in her bed with her. We weren’t into them, so why would we do anything else?

Boys in Bands

The next night (Oct. 1) was the Wombats show at House of Blues. I had already bought my ticket the week before and was sooo excited – I hadn’t been to a proper concert in ages, and they’re my new favorite band. C went with me, and we caught the last few songs of the opening act. They were good, and several of them were pretty cute. The Wombats were awesome! We were standing up in the bar area during the show, and after a while noticed that the opening act was hanging out at the end of the bar. So we kind of moseyed to their side of the room, but then noticed they were hanging with some girls. After a while they walked past us to leave and the bassist almost bumped into me. He said, “Hi! How are you?” I said, “Good, how are you?” and he said, “Good, how are you?” I just kind of went, “Ah…” and he sort of laughed and they moved on.

After the show ended we went outside. The openers were out there taking pictures with fans (girls, of course). Without even talking about it, C and I both decided to park it right there for a while to see what would happen. This guy from my old job (who C still works with) randomly walked up and started talking to us. Right after he left the guitarist from the band happened to look over at me right as I was looking his way, and said in his cute English accent, “So, what’s going on tonight?” Very casually, we told them we were planning to just walk around and see what was up. Then I remembered, “Well there’s always Star bar…” They asked if we minded if they hung out with us. Of course we did not mind at all, this was exactly what we had hoped would happen, heehee! Eventually The Wombats and the sound guy and some other people showed up too, about a dozen in all. You’re welcome, Star!

On the way over to the bar I was talking to the keyboardist (very cute). We got to the bar and both C and I were talking to the bassist (also very cute.) We were all sort of mingling and after a while I ended up talking to the bassist and she ended up chatting with the guitarist (IMO also very cute). She and I were talking about how we should divvy these guys up and I said I’d be happy either way. She said she wanted to switch, and I said ok. But somehow she ended up talking with the bassist and I ended up talking to… no one. Sigh. I was a bit buzzed by this point, and started to get pretty bummed out. I guess I was drunk enough that I said something about it, because then C told me that the bassist told her that the guitarist liked me. Oh, you mean the guitarist who’s been outside chatting with the same girl for at least half an hour? Yes he is so obviously into me. But sure enough, he came over to chat with me a few minutes later. I felt pretty stupid – what, was this a pity flirt or something? Just shoot me now. But we were hanging with English rock stars, I wasn’t about to just end the night. (Full disclosure: I’ve had a thing for British accents for as long as I can remember. Not Spanish, not French, not Southern, not New York. But English, Scottish, and Irish all make me weak in the knees. I have seriously considered moving there for this reason. Really.)

It was getting close to closing time, and the guys wanted to go to the beach. We walked over to 7-11 to get some beer, and I just walked out in front the whole way – I was still feeling annoyed and idiotic. This particular 7-11 stopped selling booze at 10 pm (WTF!) and it was already 1:45. The beach is kind of pointless without beer, so we decided to go back to C’s house, since she always has a full bar. Her car was at my place and we had cabbed it downtown, so we had to cab it back to my place first. I was still feeling stupid and left out and so I immediately grabbed shotgun in the cab. On the way there I explained that I needed to go inside so I could take out my contacts, and the guitarist says, “You wear glasses?” I said yes, and I could hear him say to himself  “Mmm I like glasses…” When we got to my place we all went inside for a minute, and he kept complimenting me on my apartment. Aww cute.

So C and the bassist went in her car, and I went in my car with the guitarist. We chatted the whole time, I don’t even remember about what. I started to REALLY think he was cute. We got to her place and all had a few cocktails and some fun conversation, subtly paired off the whole time. They showed us pictures of shows they’d played – turns out they’re actually really famous in England. Yes! We are partying with hot English rock stars! I don’t know what it is about boys in bands, but damn, they’re just hot.

We made some pizza and ate a bit of leftover cake. After a while she and the bassist took off to her room. The guitarist and I hung out in the kitchen talking and nibbling on the cake. It had pieces of fruit on it, and we ended up feeding the fruit to one another. It didn’t take too much of that before he said, “Maybe we should move into the other room.” I reached up (he’s pretty tall) and kissed him. MMM, nice! I said, “Thank god you’re a good kisser!” and he replied, “You’re not so shabby yourself.”

He went and sat on the sofa and I climbed up and straddled his lap. We kissed for a while, and he kept mumbling things like “Mmm, yes” and “oh god” in the most gratifying sort of way. Then he pulled down the front of my top and my bra and started nibbling on my breasts. By this point it had been a month since I’d gotten any, so all of this felt completely amazing. My clothes got taken off, his shirt came off, he asked me what I wanted. I told him to get on top of me. I laid down on the sofa and he kind of kneeled over me and unzipped. I reached in and felt what was on offer, and said…”Oh my! What is it with you skinny boys?” He just kind of laughed and said, “Yeah, I don’t know.” It was nice and thick, but not pornstar huge: perfect, in other words. Without even being asked he whipped out a condom, good boy! The sex itself felt really damn good, too. Well, this was turning out to be a great night after all.

We both felt kind of weird about being exposed in the middle of the living room and so got dressed immediately after we finished. I said, “Well I think that deserves a cigarette!” He agreed, and we went outside. We stood on the back stoop, arm in arm, and he showed me some constellations. It was very very cute. We came back inside and all I wanted to do was cuddle on the couch. But he immediately started being like, “Oh shit, I’ve got to wake up my friend, we have a radio interview at 9 in the morning.” It was like 4:30 or something. I was thinking, “Well why not just sleep here for a few hours?” and so I felt kind of rejected.

He called a cab and went and knocked on the C’s door to wake up his friend. He stood behind the couch, and then kind of slumped over the back of it. His shirt came up and I started rubbing his belly. He’s like, “Yeah, sorry, I know I’m pretty furry.” I said, “Well it’s all on the front so that’s ok, actually I really like it,” which is true. Then he started mumbling about how he really just wanted to stay and have a snuggle, that “yes that would be quite nice…” but that he couldn’t. That made me feel a bit better, because that’s what I wanted to do sooo bad. At some point the subject of age came up, and I said, “You don’t want to know” but of course I told him and he was appropriately shocked because I look so young, yada yada. He’s 26. What is it with the 26 year olds? It’s like my magic number or something. As he was about to walk out the door he said something about not having my number. Really, you want to play this game? I hadn’t expected to exchange numbers – what would be the point, after all – and so I just kind of went, “Uh…” And then he said, “Oh well my friend has your friend’s number, so we can get in touch that way.” Yeah, sure you will. He leaned over and gave me a kiss, and kind of groaned, “Damn…”

After they left C came out and was showing me videos of their band and pictures they had taken with Jay Leno, and just generally pointing out that holy crap, they’re famous! I’ve always liked boys in bands, but she’s REALLY into it. She told me that her hookup wasn’t any good in bed and was a terrible kisser to boot. HAHAHAHA! I felt kind of bad for her, but was very glad that I had ended up getting the better deal because she had wanted to switch. It was like I finally had some small victory. I still smirk when I think about it. Which I do shamefully often, I’ll admit. The bassist had invited us to come to their show in Santa Ana the next night, and we thought about it. He and C texted a few times the next day, but the invitation wasn’t repeated and so we decided not to go.

I have to say that that was the most fun I’ve had in a long time. I keep thinking about it, like I’m some little high school girl or something. I’ve looked up the band a few times, and even left a comment on their FB page: “It was really great to meet you guys!” Pathetic I suppose, but I couldn’t resist!

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Sometimes getting fucked hard feels gooood…

Work last night was slow, as usual. I swear I have the lamest bartending job in the world. Closed up the place at around 1:45 and found a text from Nate: “Feel free to come fuck me.” Hmm, will I or won’t I? I was getting kind of tired, but I had been fantasizing about him all week, so I decided to go for it. Only thing was, he didn’t have any condoms, so I said I’d bring some over. Hello Walgreen’s cashier, yes I am buying a 3-pack of Magnums – and nothing else – at 2:00 AM.  I’ve done this a few times in my life and I always feel this strange mixture of pride and embarrassment. Because now the checker knows that I am about to go have sex with a guy with a big dick. So I’m a slut, but a lucky one. 😉

By the time I got to Nate’s it was pretty late, so we just got right to it. He started kissing me as soon as I walked in the door, and I was immediately wet. Then he had me straddle him on the couch while we made out some more. After a few minutes we moved to the bedroom and got naked. He put me on my stomach and started massaging my ass and my thighs, and then had me put my ass in the air while he kept doing it. He started taking me from behind, and for some reason it just immediately felt amazing. He has a mirror right next to the bed, and I love to watch him when he’s behind me like that.  I can see him watching his own cock  while he fucks me – so so hot. We moved around into several different positions. At one point he had me turn over on my back and pulled me to the edge of the bed. He was standing up and fucking me hard with my legs spread and knees bent, and it felt so good I nearly came, even though I usually can’t get off with it hard and fast.

For some reason he was so sexy to me on this night. He has thick dark hair, short in the back and longer on the top, and it was kind of sticking up all over the place as he was leaning over me. I couldn’t stop running my fingers through it. I love his tats and his full lips and his baby face, and the way he still kisses me even when we’re really going at it. He’s not especially muscular, but his body even looked hot with the way he was moving. I was so turned on I blurted out, “You’re so fucking sexy” and he just kind of laughed.

After a while he put me back in doggy style and fucked me some more, then all of a sudden he pushed me down on my stomach, pulled out and came all over my back. Aaaah. I love it when the guy finally comes, it’s like a release for me too or something. I do wish he would make more noise – I can’t ever tell when he’s close. Being able to hear the excitement in a man’s voice is a huge turn-on, but I guess I can’t have everything.

We cuddled up and I was stroking his chest, and he asked me if I came. I said no, but that it had still been fun and felt amazing, and he’s like “Damn I thought you did.” I laughed and said, “Oh, you will KNOW it if I come.”  Which is true, I’m pretty damn loud. After a few minutes he started stroking himself and then had me start doing it while he kissed me. He started getting hard immediately and I was like, “You’re ready to go again?!” He told me to get a condom and ride him. You got it! I went over to the dresser and was kind of searching around for the last condom (I can’t see shit without my glasses on). My hair is naturally curly, and after our shenanigans it was pretty much a big frizzball – some of the flyaways managed to get caught on fire by the candle! I immediately put it out, but you could still smell burnt hair, yuck! Well that kind of killed that moment. He was cool about it, making sure I was ok and all that, but I just felt really stupid.

I could tell he still wanted to go again, but I needed a jump start. I asked him to lick me, which he never does. This time he actually did it, and I finally got to come. Yes!  That got him fired up, and he immediately started fucking me deep and slow in missionary. God yes! Then he put me back on my hands and knees, and when he slid into me I could feel every inch of that big cock. Dear god it felt good – over the past year I’ve learned that I truly do prefer a big dick. He leaned over my back and started playing with my clit while he fucked me. Oh fuck yes. After a while he grabbed my hips and just started fucking me hard. I used to hate this, but something has changed in the last few years and now I fucking LOVE it. It’s like I cross some line between pleasure and pain and then it just feels incredible! All of a sudden he pulled out and I asked him if he finished. He said no, but it was just getting too late. Umm, ok. I sat on the edge of the bed, wrapped my arms around him and kissed his chest while I told him he had been amazing. He’s like,”Yeah?” and I said “Oh definitely yes.”

I don’t know what it was about last night. The chemistry was just clicking, such a relief after the past few times we’d been together and things had gotten weird. I can’t stop thinking about it. He makes me feel so desired, it’s very addictive. I want to fuck him without a condom SO BAD. He is becoming more attractive to me, and that is not good.  I know damn well he doesn’t want a relationship, and certainly not with me. It’s dangerous to keep screwing him when I feel this way, but I can’t stop. I can’t get enough – maybe there’s something going on with my hormones. Or perhaps I’m becoming a sex addict; since everything else in my life kind of sucks it’s like I need an escape, you know? Booze used to be my escape, but I don’t enjoy it as much as I used to, although I do still drink too much. I need to find myself a boyfriend so I have a regular sex partner. Damn you Jason!

Porn for Girls

So I usually rub one out every day when I wake up. I’ve always had a hard time fully waking up, so it’s like my little reward to myself for doing so. The other day I decided I wanted a little porn to get me started, so I watched a video on my phone. This video got the job done but was not entirely satisfactory, which is the point of this post: why can’t I find any porn that caters to MY tastes? I know the answer to that question, of course (the vast majority of porn is made by and for men), but it’s still really annoying. There used to be a magazine for women called Sweet Action, which featured dreamy hipster boys with hard-ons. That was the closest I’ve come to good porn, but naturally this little mag did not last long. I’ve looked up “porn for women” but it tends to either be lesbian stuff or what you would more properly term “erotica.”

I am not interested in either of these categories. Some women like to watch two chicks together, but I find it a bore and a turn-off. There is a very wide range of female sexuality, and I am at the “extremely straight” end of the scale. (Given the fact that  most men are assholes, I have often wished I could be a lesbian. Alas, it’s just not in the cards.) I like men, and I like a big hard cock. I’m already soft, why would I want more me-ness? I want my opposite: hardness, strength, drive. I find many women beautiful to look at, but the idea of eating pussy completely grosses me out. So, lesbo porn is out. What about the erotica? Um, bo-ring! I don’t want to watch massages and bubble baths. I want to watch men and women fucking, and I want close-ups of penetration please! Ok, so why can’t I just use the usual hardcore porno? Let’s make a list:

Lesbian scenes

Ugly dudes

Scary looking women, with fake boobs, hair, nails, etc.

Bad lingerie, shoes, lighting, dialog, music, etc.

The guys never make any noise – I’m pretty vocal, and like a guy who is as well, it’s a huge turn-on

The women never get off. Well duh, of course they wouldn’t. With the way they get fucked in these videos, I wouldn’t be able to either.

So what would my ideal porno look like?

Hot guys with big hard dicks. And I don’t mean Playgirl-looking Ken dolls with spray tans, either. I mean truly sexy, not necessarily all buffed up. This preference of course varies from woman to woman, but that’s kind of the point – we need more variety than is currently available. They should also have nice voices and sound intelligent, whether they are or not.The cocks should certainly be substantial, but there IS such a thing as too big.

Attractive but normal-looking women. Once again variety is key – the whole idea is you kind of imagine yourself in the scenario, and that’s impossible with the Barbies-on-steroids blow up dolls that populate most porn. I find myself so distracted by collagen lips and oversize tits that it detracts from the experience.

No Brazilian waxes, on either sex! To me it’s just creepy. The area should definitely be neat and trim, but I want to know I’m watching two adults, not strangely hairless children.

Attractive settings, decent music, etc. Story line doesn’t really matter.

Good lingerie and shoes, not that Frederick’s of Hollywood crap you always see. Once again, it’s distracting.

Now for the action:

Start at the beginning!: kissing that steadily grows more heated, undressing, caressing of breasts, sucking of nipples, etc.

Please include some pussy-licking. Real cunnilungus, not overly acrobatic just for the camera.

Fellatio is good, yes leave that in.

Fucking in various positions, at various speeds.

Spanking is good.

Plenty of good shots of penetration, from various angles.

Actual female orgasms.

Money shots are good, but NOT ON THE FACE! It’s just somehow so degrading.

Two men, one woman threesomes are good.

Basically I want to see real sex that has an arc, and I want to feel the man’s desire for his partner.

So, am I alone in this? Maybe I’m just weird or something.

Sexcapade

So last night I got a text from Nate wanting me to come over.  He is persistent, I’ll say that for him. I told him I had just started my period, but he didn’t care, so off I went. Well first I put on makeup and heels and pretty undies. I also had a couple of cocktails and a smoke – I was really nervous. I hadn’t seen him in a while, and the last time I did, things didn’t really go that well. So I got there around 11:30, and he told me I looked great – always gratifying, especially when you’ve put in the effort. We started kissing, and then hung out for a while talking, with frequent make-out breaks. He told me he had bought me some wine, since he remembered that I liked it better than beer. He apologized again about being a jerk the other night, and told me I was a “chill girl.” He said how much he liked hanging out with me – that he was glad we didn’t just immediately go at it. I was like, “But you never want to hang out after…” as that had been a previous bone of contention. He said that by that point he was thinking about how he needed to get up in a few hours to take care of his daughter (she basically stays with him all the time). He said that he’d love to be able to just lie there with me and cuddle. Huh. This was certainly news to me.  He even mentioned some concert and was like, “so if you want to go…” I asked him when it was and he said September. Um, wow, ok. He was, in short, being a real sweetheart.

So after a while we decided to get the show on the road. He went into the bedroom, I went to the bathroom and came out in only sexy bra, black lace panties, and heels. He was like, “Damn, look at you.” So we start making out and fooling around. Now Nate is a pretty good kisser, but one thing he is clueless about is fingering. By now I must have told him a hundred times, “that’s too hard” but he just keeps doing it the same way. So by the time we were ready to get down to it I was feeling a little sore, and asked him if he had some lube. He’s like, “Am I making you dry out?” I said, “You’re not making me, it just happens after a while.” Things went downhill from there. I don’t even remember exactly what happened. I was trying to show him what I wanted, but he would do it for like two seconds and then go back to being his normal aggressive, dominant self. This is exactly what happened the last few times we were together, which is why I had decided not to see him anymore.  I like the fact that he’s dominant, but I want to do my thing too sometimes. So I got upset and was like, “I knew this was a mistake.” He’s like, “You have to tell me what you want,” and I told him I was trying to but that he just wasn’t getting it. He started to get aggravated with me, and so I was like “I’m just going to go.” At first he kept trying to stop me by trying to figure out “what was wrong.” I kept trying to tell him, but it was like we were speaking two different languages. I told him that maybe we just weren’t sexually compatible. The whole thing descended into him telling me that I had a “complex” and was a prude bitch and to just get out.

So I got dressed and was on my way out the door. I was really distressed by the whole thing – I can’t stand it when people are angry with me, even if they’re in the wrong. So I kind of stopped in the door and looked at him, and we ended up going back and forth for few minutes: stay, go stay, go. At one point he started being really rough with me, like grabbing my wrists and pushing me up against the wall. I said, “Stop it! What are you doing?!” He’s like, “Trying to turn you on.” I just stared at him in complete bafflement and was like “Well you’re not, you’re pissing me the fuck off!”

He finally talked me into staying somehow, apologized and hugged me, and we talked some more.  He told me that if he wasn’t doing what I wanted, I needed to be really aggressive about it and slap him around a little bit, that he liked it. I told him I wasn’t sure if I could do that. He sat behind me and started rubbing my back and I told him how much I hated arguing, that no one in my family ever really raised their voices to one another, and I hadn’t ever fought with either of my exes. He said, “How boring.” I suppose, but it’s what I was used to. After a while he was like “I get it now. You just need to be loved. I can love you.” God I nearly started crying, but I assume he meant in a physical sense – to assume anything else is asking for trouble. He explained that he was being rough because that’s how we had started out when we first met and it seemed like I liked it. I said, yes, I did and I do like it, but just not all the time. I told him that it seemed like the only way he could get off was if it was hard and rough, and I wanted him to get off, so that was another reason I hadn’t pushed things the way I wanted as strongly as I could have. He told me that that wasn’t true, that he could do slow and and sensual if that’s what I wanted. I was still debating about whether to stay, and he said he just wanted to lie down and kiss and see where things went, no pressure. I was extremely doubtful about this, but then he offered up a full body massage. Oh reeeeally? Now we’re talking, mister. How could I turn that down?

So I went and laid down on the bed in just my panties, and he gave me a freaking massage, with the oil and everything. He kept telling me how sexy I was and how much he loved touching me. “See, I can be gentle, too.” After a while he curled up behind me and I turned my head and started kissing him. After a few minutes of that I flipped him over on his back and climbed on top of him and kept kissing him. Now I was turned on. I was kind of rubbing myself along his dick, and I wanted him inside so bad. He kept telling me he wanted me to come and I said, “Shut up that’s too much pressure!” Nate is a freak about always wearing a condom, but this one time he almost gave in, he wanted to fuck me so bad. I kept telling him how much I wanted him inside me, and finally he couldn’t take it anymore and put a condom on. So I started riding him, and lord it felt good – I love how big he is.  He kept saying he wanted me to come, so I told him to “keep his goddamn hands on my tits!” I couldn’t come though, damn it, so I just started banging him hard. After a bit of that, he kind of pushed me off, and I said “get on top of me.” He’s like, “I already came.” I was like, “Oh, I couldn’t even tell, I didn’t feel the buildup.” He said it had taken him by surprise too.  He’s like, “so you didn’t come at all?” And I told him no, I didn’t. Then he kept apologizing for coming too soon but I told him not to worry about it.  I can come all day long by myself, which is true.

By this point it was getting light out, so even though we both wanted to cuddle we really couldn’t. I got dressed and was leaving, when all of a sudden he’s like, “I want to fuck you outside.” I said ok – I actually love shit like this. So he put me face-first against the wall outside his apartment and starting taking me from behind. Then we moved to the laundry room with me bent over the washing machine. Then we went inside his apartment and I kneeled on the couch. We moved spots like that a couple times, lol! He kept slipping out, though, so after a while he had me sit on the couch and suck his dick, then he beat off so he could come on my face. Not my favorite act, but whatever. After a lengthy massage, I was inclined to be generous.

After I got cleaned up we were kissing and hugging goodby, and he kept saying, “and you were gonna leave here all pissed off.” Yes, I was, and I’m glad I didn’t.  Maybe I could slap him around. I don’t really know, I’ve never tried anything like that. I’ve never had a relationship like this before – one where we get mad at each other but then make up. Maybe this is an opportunity to try out a different dynamic than I’m used to, without the pressure of a “real” relationship.  I don’t know, though, I REALLY don’t appreciate being called names. I mean, when I say something, it’s because I mean it. So if I say something really mean, it’s because I am truly mad as hell. I have a pretty long fuse, and it is my lifelong habit to hold things in, so this happens extremely rarely. I know that not everyone is like this, but because I am, it hurts me deeply when someone says something that maybe they don’t even really mean. So I don’t know, I’ll have to see what happens here.

The Truth

It’s time I told the truth about my life. I am a drunk and a loser. My friends would try to disagree, but this is the whole truth. In spite of my intelligence and education, I am almost 38 years old and am still scraping by. I have no savings and no insurance. I have an 11-year old car and live in a studio. I hate my job. I am still single. And I can’t blame fate or misfortune for these things, they have happened because of decisions I myself have made.

I had a great job, that I was well-suited for and actually kind of liked, and then went and got myself fired. So there went the income, and the insurance, and the savings, since I was unemployed (and ineligible for unemployment) for the next 4 months. Now I have a crappy part-time job that I hate. I have been in the interview process for a “real” job this week, but I haven’t heard from my recruiter for several days and don’t know what’s going on. I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t like this job, but it’s good money plus benefits, and it’s a normal schedule – it’s time to get real and grow up. I’m actually really annoyed that they haven’t gotten back to me, since if I’m no longer a candidate I’d like to start looking for something else. I really only have until the end of this month if I’m going to get a normal day job, since I don’t want to leave my department head hanging about whether I’m going to teach in the fall or not. I’m over the service industry, but it does allow me to teach during the daytime. The job I have is supposed to pick up over the summer. Great, but what then? So I’m still looking. All this angst because of a few minutes of angry stupidity on my part.

As for the “drunk” part of that opening statement, it’s not like I wake up with a glass of vodka or anything, but I spend way too much time hung over. Time that could be better spent. The thing that sucks is that I really don’t even drink that much at one time – it’s not like I’m pounding it trying to get wasted. Quite the contrary, I always try to pace it, but that doesn’t seem to be working these days. My body just can’t handle it anymore I guess. Sigh. And lord knows I don’t need to spend the money or take in the extra calories anyway.  It’s just hard to say no to going out when I’m already lonely and miserable. Yeah I could always just drink water I guess, but somehow I never manage to do that.

That’s the other reason I say I’m a loser. It’s not like this is the first time I’ve had this revelation, but I never manage to do anything about it. Instead I spend my time being depressed and wallowing in it. I get to a point where it’s like I truly, physically cannot make myself do anything. So then I feel guilty about being lazy, which makes me feel even more paralyzed. ooh poor me. Yes, I’ve been on medication before and it does help, but I can’t afford it right now. I also really miss seeing my therapist, but I can’t afford that either. See, more consequences from using curse words in front of the bitch.

Being hung over also makes it really difficult to work out, which makes it that much harder to re-lose these last 10 pounds. I’ve got a closet full of size 8 clothes that I can’t fit in to and it bugs the shit out of me! I lost the weight once, why is it so hard this time?

The one bright spot these past few months has been Jason B. but now that seems to be falling apart as well. Maybe I should have just given in in the beginning when he asked me to be his girlfriend. I mean, the sex is great, he’s got a big dick, he makes good money and isn’t afraid to spend it, and up until recently has been a total sweetheart.  I just wasn’t willing to be exclusive so quickly, I still wanted to see what other opportunities were waiting. Of course none were. And now HE’s decided he doesn’t want a relationship. Great. It’s always just as I’m ready to give in that the guy pulls away. WHY?? What am I doing wrong?

At first I was relieved to be “single” again, but not so much anymore. I went out a couple of nights this week, and no luck. All I wanted to do was flirt with somebody cute, but nada. This does not bode well for the future.

Sucky night

So my last meeting with work is tomorrow. So nervous. Still haven’t heard from Jacob. If he doesn’t contact me tomorrow I’m leaving him a note. Had a date with Daniel from Match yesterday. Cute, we have a lot in common, not too sure about his voice. I thought it went well – we talked for over 2 1/2 hours at a wine bar. I texted him today saying that I had enjoyed talking to him, but haven’t gotten anything back. I was supposed to meet Tommy tonight, but he bugged out. I went to bar N to get some food. Always cute guys there, but they’re always gay or with some other girl. So then I went to bar TC. Garth was there, talking to some blond metal chick. Whatever. He looked so cute though – I love glasses. Texted Nate, we agreed we needed to meet up soon. Oh yeah, fucked Kelly last night, but I don’t remember it. Why is it always him I black out on? He has such a nice thick cock…

Slut Update

So. Josh is ignoring me. I’m really hoping that his phone is out of order or something. One more guy that I have to write off is not going to do my morale any good.
On my last night in New Orleans I fucked some guy who I don’t remember his name. He had a really cute face, fun conversation. However, he seriously needed a back wax, and he had an old man ass. Yikes.
On New Year’s Eve I fucked K. I never realized it before – perhaps I was always a wee bit too drunkish – but he has a nice thick cock. 🙂 It was pretty fun.
On New Year’s Night I fucked Nate. We went out to bar N beforehand so I could get some food, and I actually had a really good time hanging out with him. Weird. He kept caressing me in public, like borderline dirty – I was wet in two seconds. Then we came back here and had an hour and a half fuckfest, which was also pretty fun. I really do like a big dick, which is something I’ve just come to realize over the past few months. Thankfully, though, I’m in no danger of wanting him to be my boyfriend.
The next day I saw that K had texted me at 2:00 am, “Where are you?” Ah, getting the shit fucked out of me by Nate, that’s where I am, ha ha sucka!
So I sent a FB friend request to John a few weeks ago, and have never had a response. I checked up on his profile tonight and he is now friends with my hot neighbor Jackie. Uh huh. I thought there might have been an attraction there. What an asshole!
About to cab it to Henry’s for rockabilly night. We’ll see what happens.