Update / Jordan

Well it’s been a long time since I’ve posted, not really sure why. Now I think it’s time to write again. So, the super duper short version: I dated this guy Sam all summer, then dumped him, Nate moved back to the Midwest and it’s killing me I miss him so much, I went through a period where I was constantly dating, I started seeing a new guy a few weeks ago but I’m  not sure if I’m into it, and I’m currently trying to dry out so I can finally find a new job. Whew!

So I guess the thing weighing on my mind the most at the moment is the situation with this new guy, Jordan. He contacted me on an online dating site about a month ago or so, when I was in the middle of an online dating frenzy. (I have since taken my profile down, it was just too much of a distraction when I’m trying to get my life together.) We met up at bar H and had a few beers. It went pretty well, but I wasn’t head over heels or anything. I still feel that way, and I can’t put my finger on why.

So first the good stuff: he seems really sweet, he’s smart, he’s cute, he’s tall, and he’s different. He’s close to my age (he’s 36). We’re both atheists who like sci-fi. He’s a good kisser and very affectionate, even in public. The sex isn’t mind-blowing, but it’s good – he has a pretty big dick, likes to go down, and he often stays hard after he comes, yay! He’s an ultra-hiker / trail runner / camping kind of guy – he ran 30 miles the other day and was annoyed that he ran out of steam at mile 21. Really! He blows glass as a hobby, which I think is deeply cool. He loves animals and has a really sweet cat who likes me. He is employed (at REI, natch) and has his own car.

Now the not-so-great stuff: he’s basically a hippie. This in itself is not a problem, but it’s definitely new territory for me – I’m used to ironic, sarcastic guys with a little edge. He has a roommate, and sleeps on a futon mattress on the floor. (The roommate thing is way too common these days – get it together, gentlemen!) I thought this wouldn’t be a big deal – we could just sleep over here most of the time – but now he’s complaining he’s too tall for my bed, which is apparently also too soft. I am too “aggressive and physical” in bed when I’m a bit tipsy, whereas I wish he would be more that way. I want to be spanked, and held down, and fucked hard. I also want to be wined and dined, and that is just not his thing, plus he doesn’t really make a lot of money. In fact, we often go Dutch. He likes girls who don’t wear makeup; I like to dress up and get complimented on the results.

I was hoping that dating someone like this would help me to get out of the worst of my bar-happy habits. I actually really like hiking and camping, and would love to do more of that kind of thing, as opposed to just getting wasted all the time. So my thinking was that this could prove to be really good for me. I suppose that makes me a user in a weird way, but it’s not like he wouldn’t be getting anything out of it, namely lots of sex. So far it hasn’t proven to be the case, although I know it hasn’t been that long. We had our first outdoor outing the other day, and it was really nice. We both have kind of weird schedules, and he was gone to some hippie festival for a whole weekend, so there hasn’t been a lot of opportunity so far. We’ve gone out to the bars a few times, to a movie last night, and have hung out a few times at each other’s apartment. We actually had not gone to a restaurant together until brunch (my idea, of course) a couple of days ago. He almost always has me pick what we’re going to do, which is good and bad. It’s nice doing what I want to do, but I always take his preferences and budget into account when I’m coming up with something, anyway. More importantly… dammit, be a man sometimes! Tell me to dress up and then just come get me! Take me somewhere cool, try to impress me! But that is not going to happen with him, and I need to decide if it’s a dealbreaker or not.

I don’t know if those are legitimate complaints or if I’m being narrow-minded and shallow. I don’t know if the chemistry truly isn’t right, or if there’s something else going on. Is it not the right time? Am I letting my reservations about his living situation and lifestyle get in the way? Or am I right to hold out for someone who will sweep me off my feet?  My first response is to write him off as just not being the right guy, but maybe I need to be patient. I want fireworks, a sense of instant, sparkling chemistry, but the guys I’ve had that with have turned out to either be assholes or unavailable. So maybe what I was feeling wasn’t “chemistry” but rather the excitement and drama of becoming infatuated with someone I couldn’t have. That’s what the rational part of me says, anyway.

Or am I just a loner, incapable of letting anyone in? Maybe I’m just not meant to be with anyone. The funny thing is, that doesn’t upset me for the reasons you’d think it would. I’m not craving a boyfriend or anything. I had been thinking that when I finally manage to get my life together and am doing work at my level, then I’ll find someone. But now…I don’t know. I’ve started to think maybe there’s something not quite right with me, in terms of my ability (or lack thereof) to connect with people. My only “best friend” has been Nikki, who was my bestie from 7th grade until junior year of college. It didn’t end well. I’ve had other friends over the years, but nothing where I felt truly connected in that same way. I’m coming to realize the friends I’ve made here in the city are really more like drinking buddies. I don’t feel like I’ve ever really and truly been in love (except maybe with Nate, more on that in another post), and certainly no one has ever been in love with me. That used to make me really sad, to the point of tears, but now I just feel kind of numb about it.

And that’s how I feel about this whole Jordan thing.

Because I have to say, if relationships really are this boring, I don’t think I want one. I enjoy my time with Jordan, but not enough to say that I only want to be with him. I’m still holding out for the fire, passion, laughter, intensity. I know that stuff doesn’t last forever, but I feel like it should be there in the beginning. Or maybe I’m just an idiot whose expectations are way too high. Or maybe I’m so depressed about my life in general I can’t really feel anything right now. I just don’t know!

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Revelations

Sunday was an interesting day. I was pretty hung over from Saturday night, so I slept way late. Nate and I had made plans to hook up at around 4:00, but he said he wanted to see me earlier, that he’d been thinking about “touching that sexy body and kissing that beautiful face” all day. Well alrighty then! I put on a cute sexy outfit (a tight skirt with tall socks and boots, his favorite), makeup, the whole deal; I like doing that for him. I was still getting ready when he texted me he was on his way. What?! He never comes to my place, which at this point was a wreck! But he was there before I knew it, so whatever. We had an awesome time, as usual, although he went back to using the condoms, dammit. (He’d just gotten tested, and I haven’t been in a while. Can’t say I blame him, smart boy.) He kept going on about how sexy I was; he usually does a bit of this, but this time he wouldn’t shut up about it! Not that I’m complaining, it was just kind of odd. There were also several revelations:

1. He went down on me, finally! And wow he’s good at it, thank heavens. It had been sooo long – most of the guys here are really selfish. I asked him later why today was the day, and he said he has to know a girl for awhile. Um, ok. I can only imagine the grief I would get from guys if I tried to use this excuse. It took a year, but at least we’re here now.

2. I asked him how many other fuck buddies he has, and he said he has one. I said, “Yeah, I used to have another one, too, but…I don’t know, meh.” (This would be K, the architect, who I haven’t seen since last spring.) He said that’s kind of how he feels about this girl. He said that she just wanted the dick right away, that it was just him fucking her. He told me he liked that we had “sexual adventures” together. I told him that I liked him telling me what to do. It actually doesn’t really bother me that he has another partner – at least I’m #1, lol! If I knew he was lying and that I’m actually #2, then yeah I would feel pretty stupid. He could be totally bullshitting me, but I shall choose to live in contented ignorance.

3. He’s planning on moving back to Iowa within 6 months. He told me this a few months ago, and then said he wasn’t going. Now I guess it’s back on. I can’t deny that this makes me sad, this has been one of the longest and best relationships I’ve ever had, lol!

4. He thinks I’m getting hit on constantly, and therefore constantly getting busy. Er, no. He said, “Well I met you on a one night stand, you can’t blame me for assuming.” Hmm, that opens up a window into the male mind. Now this does kind of bother me. I definitely had my crazy phases during the past year, which I chalk up to (1) being let out of the cage of a 5 ½ year relationship and (2) finally realizing that I am a very attractive woman. I defy anyone who feels newly sexually powerful to not use it! I’m pretty much over all that stuff now, though; other than KC (who I was ridiculously and stupidly into), I haven’t slept with anyone besides Nate in the last several months.  I’m ready to settle down again, as long as the relationship stays fun and sexy.

5. He admitted he’d thought about dating me. We actually had time to cuddle and talk for a little while (it started raining – nice), which we usually don’t, and the subject came up. It at least made me feel like slightly less of an idiot, since I’ve thought about him in that way many times.

I made it pretty clear that I would have been down for a relationship. He said he knew that I would have, but it wouldn’t have been fair to me since he was so unsettled about what he was going to do. I suppose that’s true, and I told him that I have always appreciated his honesty with me. He never made me any promises; far from it. I would rather have honesty than to constantly be let down, which is what’s happened with 99.9% of the guys I’ve dated.  But it also makes me feel kind of like, “Damn! Maybe I could’ve turned this into something if I’d made my interest clearer early on.” That’s probably not true, and in any case I didn’t want to lose what we DID have, didn’t want to scare him away, so I kept quiet.

I ended up at club T later on Sunday night, and texted him that I wished he were there to “put his hand up my skirt in public.” I didn’t really expect to hear back from him, but he texted back quickly, saying that that definitely sounded like fun and to let him know if I was going to be up late. Really? He wants to see me twice in one day? It turned out that he was stuck at work until after 2:00am, so we didn’t. 😦

He texted me again yesterday to hang out, but I was sick. Sick again, godammit, I just got well two weeks ago! You know, I never hear from him this often. I know I shouldn’t make too much of it, but it is odd. I halfway expected that our little talk would freak him out and that I wouldn’t hear from him for a while, but apparently not.

To continue Sunday’s narrative: After Nate left for work I heard from L. She and JW were at my work hanging out, mistakenly thinking that I worked on Sundays. They were already drunk, as usual. While I was freshening up to go meet them, she texted me saying they had gotten in a huge fight. Great! I came out and picked them up, then drove back to L’s place, the two of them arguing all the way.  Well this day was certainly going downhill fast! I go from having great sex and some cuddles with a guy I really like to being caught in the middle of a fight. I was going to just drop them off, but L really wanted me to come in. I’m nothing if not a good friend, so I did, groaning inside. They tabled the hostilities, and I eventually told L that she was going to have to let it go, which she agreed to. JW kept pouring us shots of Jameson, damn him! I wasn’t planning to get smashed, but if there’s a shot just sitting there I admit it’s hard for me to say no. I was having a good time, but after a while they started getting frisky and so I excused myself.

Club T was on my way home, and I decided to stop in and have one drink – I was dressed really cute, after all. 😉  I nursed my drink, and texted with my friend C and with Nate. I also sang along with the piano player – apparently I was a little more toasted than I realized. After he was finished he came over and said hi. We’d never spoken before. He’s in his 40s, but still kind of hot – slim, tats, cute clothes – he looks like a rock star, just with a few wrinkles around the eyes. We ended up talking for quite a while. At some point I went to go have a smoke and fell in with another group of people, one of whom was this amazingly hot guy I’d seen there before. I thought maybe he was interested, but at some point he just disappeared; probably a booty call or something. Oh well, he’s too young anyway. I ended the night with Piano Man saying he would come see me at my work the next day, since he works in the area on Mondays.

He actually showed up, holy cow! We had a really good conversation. He’s smart, and we have a lot in common. But he left without asking for my number; he just said “Sunday night, right?” as he was leaving, and I said “Probably.” Hmm, weird. He’s older, and he has a daughter, maybe he’s just more circumspect about these things? Wants to talk to me a little more before he decides to ask me out? I’m not used to not being jumped on immediately. I came across his profile on Match earlier today, hee hee. I wonder if he’s seen me on there before.

New Year’s Eve

I worked at my lame ass bar job on NYE. I had a few people in during the night, but at midnight it was me myself and I in the bar. Probably the worst NYE midnight I’ve ever had. A few minutes before 12, I texted Nate: “Happy New Year, babe! Wish I was there to steal a kiss. ;)” He texted back immediately: “Me too! Maybe a lil later? I’m at a house in PB, taking a cab later. Kiss now!” I sent back “Mwah!”

C was out with a friend of hers in her neighborhood, and so I said fuck it, I am getting out of here! There’s no one in here and I’m not wasting what’s left of this night. I made it to the bar where my girls were at around 1:00, and they were hanging out with two cute guys, Brad and Hunter. They were all pretty wrecked. C wanted to move the party back to her place, so I drove everyone over there.  As usual, the guys didn’t believe how old we were – they were in their late 20s. C put on some Joy Division, and one of them was like, “What kind of hipster music is this?” We kind of laughed, and told them this music was older than any hipster, that the hipsters were just copying. Then we put on some KMFDM, and they kept it up with the hipster comments. We just kind of rolled our eyes.  At one point something, I can’t remember what, prompted Brad to pull down his pants and show us his dick. I saw the top couple of inches and couldn’t bring myself to look after that. I was sober and he wasn’t, and it just didn’t seem right. Besides, I could tell it was nothing compared to Nate. 😉

They kept playing country and rap (and not the good stuff in either genre) and we were like, “Turn that crap off!” Then Brad got on an oldies kick. WTF, lol? He was really drunk, and kept dancing with both of us, twirling us around. At one point he was dancing behind me and started kind of nuzzling my neck. He was really cute, and I’ve always liked the kinda crazy ones (10 years ago I would’ve been all over this guy), but I just couldn’t bring myself to play the slut this time. Not entirely sure why, but the fact that I was mostly sober probably had a lot to do with it. The other reason was that I kept thinking I was going to hook up with Nate. No fewer than 4 (!) times he texted me that he had a cab, and then it turned out that he didn’t – they weren’t showing up.  Aah, I was so frustrated! I haven’t seen him in forever, and I actually really miss him. For the sex, but also just for himself. He texted me at 10:30 the next morning that he had just gotten home, poor thing.

At one point I was outside smoking with Hunter and the conversation turned to my love life, or lack thereof. What is going on with me discussing this with random guys lately? Anyway, he’s like, “You’re gorgeous, you can have any guy you want.” I said, “Yeah, for sex, but not anything else!” I tried to explain that decent men anywhere near my age are few and far between, because most are married with kids. He’s like, “You have to put yourself out there” and of course I said, “I am!” to which he replied, “No, not at the bars” and I said, “Well where then, the fucking grocery store?” I need to just record one of these conversations and then hit “play” whenever I get into this territory again, because it’s the same old shit over and over again.

At around 4:30 the guys decided they were tired and went home. I guess they finally gave up on getting any. There was no exchange of numbers. C was confused. She couldn’t tell if they were hitting on us or who was interested in who.  We had a guy ask both of us out a few weeks ago, and I think we’re starting to feel a little interchangeable or something. I was like, “Well, I thought both of them were cute. And if we had really wanted to hook up I don’t think there would have been a problem. They just weren’t pushing that hard. Maybe they’re actually decent guys?” Who knows. They’re male, therefore a complete mystery.

I left at 5:30 am, went home, and slept all day. I started my period Monday night, so I’ve been extra tired, and all I’ve been doing is sleeping. My period didn’t used to be that bad, but for about the past 6 months it’s been absolutely horrible: terrible cramps, headaches, insomnia, but the major problem is extreme fatigue. I mean I am nonfunctional for about 48 hours every month. I simply do not have time for that bullshit! So I think I’m going to Planned Parenthood soon and get a year’s worth of birth control so I can just take it continuously. The idea kind of freaks me out, but I know lots of women do it with no problems, and I can’t take this anymore. I have to do something.

Anyway, off that tangent. Tonight Lori asked me if I had heard from “dickhead.” She meant KC. I said no, and she was surprised. I said, “I know, it’s really weird. Usually you get a drunk text or something in these situations. It makes me think he got back together with his girl.” She’s like, “Or he was cheating on her, just having a fling.” Wow, that’s an ugly thought for a number of reasons. For one thing, if it’s true, that would be the second time in four months that I’ve unknowingly been the other woman. Not what I aspire to, and of course it also makes me feel pretty stupid. My gut reaction is to say no, that’s not what was going on. Because if it was, then he really worked it – created a whole back story, kept it consistent, etc. I mean, he had mentioned his “ex-girlfriend” within 10 minutes of meeting me, before we even started flirting. So if that is the case, then that is really fucking scary, that people can be that horrible. The thing is, I know that it happens.

The other thing that freaks me out about the idea is that it means that he is a complete and utter piece of shit. Lower than shit. The scary part about that is that I felt like he was actually a good guy, and I kind of fell for him. I’ve realized the past week or so that I actually miss him, after only knowing him for a few weeks. So if he was cheating, that means that I am only attracted to complete scumbags: he would be the third one since August – James, Jacob, and now KC. Um, yay me!! What the hell is the matter with me? I fall for the wastoid idiot with a DUI, who can’t even take me anywhere, but I feel nothing for the handsome, stable adult man with the Audi? I should just give up, but I can’t. Ugh, somebody shoot me.

Of Rock Stars and Welshmen

Last Wednesday I had an interesting night at work. I had two guys come in in the early evening. They were close to my age – early forties. So of course to me they seemed ancient, lol. They were friendly and talkative, and at some point we ended up talking about relationships, and my lack thereof. Their advice basically boiled down to “you need to find an older man.” In the course of our conversation one of them said the funniest fucking thing: “Your ego is not your amigo.” I don’t know why, but for some reason this cracked me up every time I thought about it.

Later that night three older guys came in. I could tell by their conversation that they were musicians and asked what band they were in. It turns out they’re in that band Cracker. Holy shit they’re actually famous! We were all talking about music for a while and then the conversation once again turned to my love life. And the advice was the same – older men. Of course this was coming from some guys in their 50s, who look much younger and date younger women – the drummer had had a 34-year old girlfriend recently.  All I could think was, “What the fuck is happening today?!”  It was really kind of hilarious.

They ended up putting me on the guest list for their show the next night. Because I am just that cool. 😉

So I went with my friend C. We were looking around at the crowd, and to us everyone seemed kind of old. The funny thing is, most of these people were probably close to our age, but we’re just so used to hanging out with 20-somethings. Sad, I know. There were a few kind of cute guys, but no one worth actually pursuing.

At one point I went to the bar by myself to get a drink, and I saw a kind of cute guy standing there. Preppy and kinda short  – not my usual type, but cute. So I went and stood by him to order. He immediately started talking to me – British accent! Well hello! We talked for a few minutes and then I was kind of like, “Well, I should get back to my friend…” As I walked away, I did the turn back and smile/hair flip move, and sure enough he was still checking me out.

So when I was ready for a refill I went back to that bar, and he was still there. This time he bought my drink, and I invited him to come smoke with me. We were both a little tipsy, and talked for quite a while. His name is Stuart and he’s 41 – holy cow, so age appropriate! He asked for my number and I gave it to him.

The show ended around 11:30, and C had to get up early the next day, so when I got back to town I called L to hang out. She and JW wanted me to come pick them up downtown somewhere, because they were wasted, as usual.  My plan was to pick them up and then go to bar N, because I was starving and they serve cheap food until late. So I went where my friends told me to pick them up, and they’re not there. I call, we go back and forth about where the hell they are, they tell me to pick them up on a specific corner. I drive by, don’t see them, then get a text saying, “Heading to the house.” Fine then, fuck you guys! I decided to go to the bar anyway because I was still starving and I didn’t feel like 7-11 junk food.

I get to bar N, and who should be there but Jacob. Of course, this is just getting better and better! God I could have at least been with people instead of by myself! Grrr! I was not about to leave the bar, though. I just acted like I didn’t see him, and he did the same. He left after not too long, and it made me feel strangely  powerful. I texted C what happened, and she’s like “Damn right he should leave! That’s our bar!” Which is funny because it IS kind of our bar, even though it’s in his neighborhood.

The next day, Friday, I texted Stuart: “How’s your day going? It was great to meet you last night.” He sent back: “The pleasure was all mine. Not sure when you are free but great to meet up Sun or next week.” I thought this meant that he was busy Fri and Sat, so I said I was busy until the next Thurs or Fri. He said, “Not sure I can wait a week. But you are a busy girl, and so very lovely.” So very lovely! For some reason that just really gets me. We ended up making plans to go out the next night.

He took me to dinner in Little Italy, and then we had a few drinks at bar T. Well, I had a few drinks. He had one glass of wine the whole night. I was pacing myself, but still felt like a lush. He said it was partially because he was driving and partially because he was still recovering from Thursday. Really, dude? I thought you were Welsh! It was an ok time I guess – we talked for hours, literally. It didn’t quite feel right, though. For one thing, he is definitely an adult. He’s stable, he has money, he’s been with the same company for 12 years. I’m trying to turn myself into an adult, but I’m not there yet – I still live like I’m in my twenties. You can do that when you work in F&B. We have very different musical tastes – he’s into soul (what is it with the Brits and black music?), I’m an aging hipster, lol. It was like we were having a good conversation but just not really connecting. There wasn’t really any flirting, for example. Although he did tell me it looked like I did yoga, which is just about the nicest compliment you can give someone on their appearance. I don’t know if he was serious, or if it was just a line, but it was nice to hear in any case.

At the end of the night he walked me to my door and went to give me a peck, like kind of pursed lips. Well I’m not having that, I have to find out what I’ve got, and turned it into a real kiss. Not too shabby, sir! He may be short and preppy, be he’s a damn good kisser, I’ll give him that. I decided that I would give it a chance if he called me back, just in the interest of dating an adult, but he never called. Guess he wasn’t into it, either. Oh well. He probably thinks I’m too unstable, and I wouldn’t blame him.

Yep, I still hate men.

Haven’t written in a while. Partially because I’ve been super busy, partially because I haven’t felt up to it. The most recent lame ass events deserve to be preserved for posterity, however. So one of the reasons I wrote that last man-hating post was that I had met this guy Shawn, back in late October. He was cute, but he was also 26. We kept trying to hook up but our schedules never seemed to match and I was frustrated. We never did manage to make it work out. I didn’t hear from him for a while, and then I got a text from him last Sunday asking if I was working. I said, “No, I’m on a date.” Which I sort of was. So here’s that story:

On Wed. Nov. 28 I was at work at the bar. Super slow as usual. I hadn’t showered or fixed my hair and I had on no makeup, because fuck that place. I have a regular named Sam, and on this particular night he asked me out. Sam is a nice guy and he’s close to my age, but I am not attracted to him in the least – short teddy bear type, no thank you. He left me his number and I just smiled. Then my other regular Bill showed up. We were chatting for a long time and he mentioned that he had a friend he wanted to hook me up with. His friend is 51. Yikes! But the young ones aren’t working out, so I said ok, bring him by some time. While Bill was still there this guy came in. Work jacket, baseball cap, kinda cute. Very talkative and friendly type. He said that he used to come in the restaurant a lot with his ex girl, and at one point had tried a shot of this whiskey we have. He had really liked it and couldn’t remember what it was called, and so had stopped in to find out. After a while Bill left and it was just the two of us. I’ll call this fine young gentleman KC.

He told me a bunch of stories about traveling in Europe (I have as well). Interesting – blue collar guy, but maybe more open minded than most. After a while I noticed that he had nice hands – I have a thing for that, and they’re often a good indicator of what’s downstairs.  I’m a sucker for that outgoing type, and he had nice hands and sweet brown eyes, and a nice lean bod from what I could tell. And he’s 34, holy shit, not in his twenties! I started thinking, “This guy is fucking hot!” So I guess I started vibing him, without really even meaning to. At one point he asked me to make him a cocktail of my choice. I made him an old fashioned – the original old fashioned without the fruit – and as he sipped it he looked me in the eyes  and said, “Not bad, not bad at all.” I gave him a saucy smile. One of our waitresses, Lori, came in and started talking to us – turns out he’s one of her regulars in the restaurant. So I finally started closing the bar, and as he was leaving he asked for my number. Right in front of her, lol! I gave it to him with no hesitation, and we made plans to do something on Friday night. Wow! Actual plans in advance! I hadn’t had that since Jason back in May, so that was pretty exciting. Apparently I should make no effort at my appearance more often! Later on, Lori told me not to go there: he has “webbed feet” and drinks a lot. Since I seem to exist solely for the thrill of making bad decisions, I decided I would chance it.

So on Friday KC called me (actually called me instead of texting, wow!)  and we made plans to meet at his place to have a drink and then go have some dinner. He asked me what I wanted to drink, so he could go and get it before I got there. Nice! So I get there, we have one drink and head out in a cab. (Unfortunately he has a recent DUI and isn’t driving at the moment. Great, definitely not a plus, especially since he lives on the other side of town.) Good time at dinner, then we headed next door to this dive bar and had a round. While we were there we started talking about past relationships. He ended a serious LTR two months ago. Apparently she was a nice girl who experimented with being a party girl with him, and then wanted to turn back into Miss Responsible. She wanted him to change, too, and he basically said, no, I like who I am and don’t know who you are anymore. So he broke it off. I told him about some of my LTR stuff. He’s really into music and goes to a lot of shows. I said that I was trying to get back into doing that. He said, “Well you might have just met the right guy.”

We decided to go meet up with his friend at a bar where some rockabilly band was playing.The cover was unexpectedly high, but he paid for both of us, and we went in and had a couple of beers. After the band we played a game of pool, even though I warned him that I am absolutely horrible. During the game he looked at me, leaned over and said, “You’re so goddamn cute!” and kissed me. I went with it, because I thought he was pretty goddamn cute, too. Not the best kisser, but not bad – I like nice full lips, and he was quite enthusiastic.

We went back to his place and had a drink and some more conversation. His friend came over, we all watched TV, he made some mac and cheese. He intermittently pulled me into the kitchen to kiss me. Not afraid of PDA, I like it! He wanted me to stay but I said absolutely not. He walked me to my car, we kissed some more, told each other we had a great time and would like to meet up again. He just kept kissing me, saying “You’re not leaving yet.” I finally broke away, and drove home kind of excited about this new guy. He texted me the next night wanting me to come over, but I was at work until late.

He texted me on Monday night asking if I wanted some company at work. I said sure, and then we hung out at his place for a while. He again asked me to stay and I again said no. We made out on the couch for a while, and he did the whole, “You’re not leaving yet” thing again. He said, “It would be easier to let you go if you weren’t such an amazing kisser.” We kissed for a long time at my car after he walked me out. He told me he was “so confused” because he really liked me, and thought I was super sexy, but he had been ready to marry his ex six months earlier, before it all blew up. He’s confused? Oh fucking great! Been here before. I said, “Well why don’t we just take it slow,” and he agreed to that. He asked when I would be free to hang out again and I said maybe Friday (I was honestly crazy busy that week). He texted me Thursday night to hang out, but I was out with my friend C at an open bar event, we were hanging with some guys, and I had cabbed it, so I said no.

So we met up on Friday night at bar N after he had gone to some concert with a friend. He asked me if I wanted to go see Primus in a couple of weeks. I said  hell yes! We went to his place after the bar and hung out some more. We made plans to hang out on Sunday, which would be my first truly free day, where I didn’t have anything to do.  He asked me to stay again, and this time I agreed, especially since I was little tipsy. I logically knew that I should keep putting him off for sex, and so at first I did. He says, “What, do you think if we have sex I’m just never going to call you again?” I was like, “Well, I don’t know, it happens.”

But the truth is that I had already decided even before I left the house that tonight was the night – I was going to sleep with him. I really have no discipline where sex is concerned, and I was completely in lust with this guy. It had been over a year since I’d met a guy who I thought was this fucking sexy (John), and before that it was a guy I knew before I met my ex. So I don’t feel this way very often – I just couldn’t stop looking at him! Our first time was a little awkward because he had some whiskey dick going on. (Apparently the hands were deceptive – decidedly average-sized equipment, darn it.) The next day he made us breakfast, and then put on a movie. I asked, “Do you mind if I hang out for a while?” and he said no, that’s why he put the movie on, so we could lay around and cuddle. At one point I said, “Mmm, this is nice. I haven’t snuggled with anyone in a long time,” which was true.

After feeling his nice warm body behind me for two hours I was extremely horny, and so turned around and started kissing him. He was immediately hard. Ok, now we’re talking! I was so turned on I wanted to do it right there on the couch, but then he mentioned his roommate might walk in. Drat! So I dragged him into the bedroom, ripped off my clothes, and pulled him on top of me. As soon as he entered me it felt incredible and I started to climb toward orgasm almost immediately. I told him to fuck me hard, but then he kind of stopped because he was getting close. So I told him to go slow and just kind of worked him – this is what normally works for me anyway. I could tell he was about to pop, which sent me over the edge, too, and we came together. Wow, that doesn’t usually happen! In other words, fantastic sex.

I had to go to work, and while I got dressed he went and laid on the couch with his sunglasses on. Um, ok. I was about to walk out the door, and he didn’t get up to walk me out, or kiss me or hug me or anything. Hmm, that’s a little disconcerting. Even my fuck buddy always gives me a nice sendoff. I walked over and kissed him and said, “Ok, so…Sunday?” He just kind of went, oh, sure yeah whatever. Alrighty. I left, feeling a little like a whore.

So on Sunday I didn’t hear from him all day. Ok, great. At around 4 pm I texted him, “So…did you still want to hang out today?” About an hour later he texted back yes. I worked out, showered, yada yada, then headed over there, feeling out of sorts. Something had changed, I could feel it. Dammit, I told him having sex would be a bad idea! Why can’t I follow through on these things? I decided before I got there that I wasn’t going to kiss him, touch him, anything, just to see what he would do. Sure enough, I was there for two hours and he didn’t touch me, didn’t compliment me, nothing – it was like I was just a buddy or something. After a while he was like, “Are you mad or something?” I said, “Well I was kind of wondering if you were ever going to touch me.” He’s like, “That’s what you’re pissed about? That I didn’t jump on you immediately? If we started all that when you first got here I’d just pass out and not be able to hang out with you.” Exasperated, I told him that that wasn’t what I was talking about – I didn’t want to jump into bed right away either, but a little affection would be nice, that I felt like he didn’t even really want me there. He’s like, “I’m a guy, if I didn’t want you here you wouldn’t be here.” Then he tried to kiss my neck, and I told him, sorry, pity cuddling is not valid!

I told him that I had felt a weird vibe when I left the day before, and so I was already feeling a little sensitive. He admitted that he had felt weird that afternoon: He said, “You just seemed like you had ‘looking for a boyfriend’ written all over you. You were giving me the googly eyes.” Are you fucking kidding me?! I was like, “Well I tend to get affectionate after I have sex with someone, excuse the hell out of me!” I tried to explain that I wasn’t looking for a serious boyfriend immediately, but that I didn’t want to be just a fuck buddy, either. And if If he was just looking for a fuck buddy, why did he take me out on a date, and ask me to an event several weeks away? When I have fuck buddies we have very specific boundaries. He responded that he didn’t really expect anything when he asks someone out, just wanted to see where it went. I said, well yeah, but: “I assume when a guy asks me out that he’s at least open to the possibility of it going somewhere.” He says, “Oh. I’m sorry if I was confusing.” We kind of worked it out, but I was still feeling out of sorts.

After a while we started making out on the couch. Things were just starting to get heated when he stops and says, “Time for a smoke break.” WTF!!! I said that I was just going to go home. He was completely mystified by why I was pissed! Really? Your cigarette is more important to you than my pussy?! I tried to explain this to him, and he called me “needy.” This did not go over well with me, but he’s like, “It’s ok, I know that about you now.” He started begging me to stay. I was really angry, but I didn’t want to leave, either. Completely at a loss as to what to do, I went out on the patio and started smoking. He’s like, “Are you really upset about this? I don’t get it. I don’t want you to go, what can I do?” I said, “Make me a fucking drink, and I’ll think about staying,” in my haughtiest imperious bitch voice. He brings me my drink and says, “You’re being kind of awesome right now.” He was serious. What the hell is wrong with this guy?! We kind of went back and forth about why I was pissed off, he started trying to make out with me again. I realized that there was no way I could get back into it, so I left.

We sent each other a few texts that night and the next day that made it quite clear we were not getting through to one another. One of his said, “I don’t know if I can do your kind of crazy.” After that I figured it was over and done with, but I sent him a couple more messages trying to explain myself and my expectations, just trying to salvage my pride somehow. He actually texted me back a few hours later when I was at work: “Haha, you may not be completely crazy but certainly a little…but aren’t we all?” I texted him back a George Carlin quote about how women are crazy because men are stupid.

After a while these two guys came into the bar and one of them, Sergio, started hitting on me. Hard. KC texted me, asking if the bar was “raging.” I said, “Totally raging. There’s two Mexican dudes chatting me up. One of them just invited me up to his room, lol!” Which was true. I didn’t say it to get him to come up there, but I did want to see what would happen. Sure enough, he walks in the door ten minutes later. I said, “Hi sweetie!” really loud with eyebrows raised – I wanted to tell him he needed to be my pretend boyfriend for a bit. But I didn’t get a chance, he just started talking to Sergio. I was turned away doing something and I heard Sergio ask KC if we were together and KC said no. Oh gee, thanks. The two of them actually made plans to go out together on Thursday night! I could tell KC had been drinking (he’d been out with friends), but really? Sergio tried to get me to go with them, but I said a boys’ night was a better idea.

After a while Sergio and his friend left and it was just the two of us. He said something, I don’t even remember what, and my response was, “I don’t play those kinds of little games.” He said that he liked that about me, that I was real. But he also said, “I don’t know what to make of you, Jen.” I asked him what he meant by this and he couldn’t really explain, so I said, “Well then I don’t know what to tell you.” At one point he hooked a finger into the neck of my top and pulled me over the bar to kiss him. After I was done closing the bar we went back to his place. We were in the middle of fooling around, and he told me that he really liked hanging out with me, that I was so much fun. He kept mentioning how amazing our impromptu afternoon sex had been the week before. He also said that he loved how horny I am. I said, “So do you just want to fuck, then?” At first he said yes. I felt my heart drop. But then he said that he still wanted to hang out and go to dinner and stuff like that. Huh? I said, “KC, when I have a fuck buddy, I go to his house, we have sex, I leave. That’s it. There is nothing else.” He said, “Oh, well we’ve got a lot more going on than that.” Ya think?! He said that he was freaked out because his last relationship had started this way – they lived in the same building, started hanging out and screwing; she “came on way too strong” but after two years (!) he fell in love with her, and they were together for three more years. We talked it about it all a little bit more and then agreed that it was good to be on the same page.

We got in the shower to  cure his whiskey dick (again) – I never knew about this particular solution, but it worked. He told me how much he loved all the little noises I make. I’ve been told this before. I don’t do it on purpose, but I certainly don’t hold back – they all like it. He put me up on the sink and fucked the hell out me. Then he’s like, “We haven’t fucked on the floor yet, let’s do that.” Christ, my back was sore for the next two days! After we were done we watched TV for a while – he is a serious night owl – and didn’t go to sleep until like 6 in the morning.

After a few hours of sleep we went and got some takeout and watched a little TV. I had a bunch of stuff to do that day and then I was going to trivia so I left. He did his standoffish thing again. Aargh! So we have this great night, where it seems like we’ve worked things out, and he’s still being weird? $%^&&*!! I felt like I knew what was going on – “he really likes me but he’s fighting it.” But after that everything changed. I texted him a few times over the next couple of days, and he always texted back, but didn’t ask me to hang out again. Friday night I went out with my friends, since he and I hadn’t made plans. Of course once I was tipsy I started texting him from the bar. (I swear, some engineer should create an app that locks down certain numbers when you’re drunk. They’d make billions.)

I finally just asked him if I could come over, and he’s like, “Sure why not.” A ringing endorsement if I’ve ever heard one, but I was pretty drunk, and you know how that goes. We hung out on the couch for a while, and started looking at buying tickets for Primus. All of a sudden he says, “You realize I’m not paying for your ticket.” I felt pretty fucking stupid. I just kind of waved it off and was like, “Well never mind then, I can’t afford it.” After a while we did our thing, both too drunk to cum, and then passed out.

The next day when we were waking up he kept talking about how hungry he was and what were we going to eat? I was still hungover as shit and wasn’t hungry, so I just kept snuggling. I was, however, very horny, and so I started shit up again. Ooh it was good! After we finished he’s like “Now are you hungry?” But I still felt lame about the way everything the night before had happened, and didn’t feel like going through his standoffish routine again, so I just said I needed to go so I could get to work. I got dressed, he went and laid on the couch, per the usual. I didn’t kiss him as I was leaving, just smiled at him and said, “You’re weird.”

When I got to my car I did not feel happy. I wasn’t sure what to do. I wanted to talk to him about everything, so I ended up calling him and asking him if he wanted to hang out on Sunday. He’s like, “…Aaah, sure, but I can’t stay up late I have to be at work at like 5 in the morning.” I said that was cool because I needed to get up that day, too. I went to work feeling pretty depressed. I texted him once about something cool that happened, no response. Dickhead. When I woke up Sunday I didn’t even feel like seeing him – the confusion and rejection was just getting to be too much. But I felt like we still needed to talk. I ended up sending, “Movie later? If not that’s cool, just let me know.” An hour later he sent back that he was super hungover at a friend’s house and that he was going to watch the game there and then go home and die. I told him to have fun with that.

On Monday I was super bored at work, and sent him one funny text about how dead it was. No reply. He drinks scotch, and our selection at the bar is pretty lame. Today we got a bottle of Macallan 18, which we hadn’t had before, so I let him know. No reply. Fucking douchebag.

I am so sick of this bullshit! I saw my therapist yesterday, and told her the story, which is  a repeat of just about every interaction I’ve ever had with a guy that I like. She told me that I’m not feminine enough in my behavior. She said, “Why were you so forthcoming with him?” I said, “Because you told me to be!” which is true. Earlier this year she was telling me I needed to be “more transparent” with men in regards to my expectations, now she’s telling me that I’m too “direct” and it makes me seem like a buddy. AAAAA! So what the fuck am I supposed to do? I try it one way, I try it another way, it always ends up the same – the guy who supposedly likes me so much disappears. Jesus christ, I’m almost 40, and I still suck at this?! What the hell is wrong with me?! Apparently I don’t know how to be a woman. That is a depressing thought, since I don’t know how to be anyone but me.

Struggling…

I am not doing as well as I had hoped with the new responsible me routine, and it’s really depressing me. I was good for that one week, but since then I have fallen off the wagon several times, and I’ve definitely gained back some weight because of it. Last night was probably the worst case. I’ve managed to get caught up, and perhaps slightly ahead on my class, and so I decided to check out the happy hour at IH – cheap food as well as drink specials. Got all gussied up and went over there, poked my head in the door, and there’s like three old dudes sitting there. Well. Not exactly what I had in mind. I really needed to eat, and thought about bar N since it was right there and it’s cheap, but I felt like I was too dressed up. Stupid, I know, but my brain works in strange ways some times. Hell, who am I kidding, most of the time!

I was drawing a blank on where I could get some food and a glass of wine, and that would be at least semi-social, so I ended up deciding on Starlite. Expensive, but great food and drinks. I had hoped to get a seat at the bar, so there was at least the possibility of striking up a conversation with someone, but of course it was full. Sigh. I was starving, so I went ahead and sat at a table by myself. There was a guy by himself having dinner at the table next to mine, but he was too old for me.The burger seemed like the least expensive choice for something that would fill me up, and it was delicious as always. I had the cheapest glass of wine on the menu. For dessert I decided to splurge on a house cocktail, and went out to the patio to smoke. Alas, the bar was full and everyone was coupled up.

Long story short, dinner cost me $37 after tax and tip, and I didn’t speak to a soul.  This is exactly the kind of thing I’ve been trying to avoid, and actually I haven’t spent this much on dinner in a while, but it still felt like kind of a failure. I found out the other day that I have a $600 balance on my Amex (!) – I had no idea it was that much, I’d thought my balance was maybe half that. I sent a $300 payment, but I’m freaked out and pretty much strapped for the rest of the month. So $37 dinners are not an option!

And yet, I decided to keep the party going. I suppose I was determined to talk to someone. The plan was that I would stop drinking by midnight and be in bed by 1:00. I stopped by BP and had a beer. Nothing. I went into WCT and at first thought I’d hit the jackpot – a big group of guys! Closer inspection revealed that none of them were attractive, however. Where the hell is everyone on a Thursday night in this town?! By this point my friend C had gotten in touch to see what I was doing – she was getting off work soon. There was one place that I felt pretty sure would be happening on a Thursday, and it was in her neighborhood, so I decided to go there. She said she’d meet me in a bit.

Got to bar OS, and sure enough there was a sizable crowd for karaoke night. I ordered a light beer and waited for C. There were a few cute guys, but most of the crowd was older – weird. C walks in and immediately gets hit on by the cutest guy in the place, of course. I wish I had a secret video camera or something, this phenomenon is kind of unbelievable. He and his friend (not cute) introduced themselves, and C and cutie talked for a while. I went out to smoke and she came out after a few minutes kind of shaking her head. Apparently he was really annoying, just kept asking a million stupid questions. We went back in and he was sitting with some other girl talking to her. Really? Wow. So then the friend starting hitting on C. She told me later he was sooo boring. At least I wasn’t missing out on much.

The best guy in the bar was the bartender. I had noticed he was cute when we’d been in before, and he seems cool. Later on in the night he gave us a couple of girly shots for free. Nice!

I kept saying I couldn’t stay out too late, but we ended up staying until almost closing time. Oh, Jennifer, what discipline! C had recorded the new episode of Vampire Diaries that night (we’re both obsessed with it) and I couldn’t resist going back to her place to watch it. So I ended up not getting in bed until after 3:00. the plan for today had been to get up around 9:00 and get a shit ton of stuff done, but that obviously didn’t happen. Even though I honestly didn’t drink that much, I had a massive headache and didn’t haul my fat ass out of bed until around noon. It is now 3:30 pm, so I have just about enough time to fit in a workout before I go to work. Good job Jen! And the worst part is that last night was totally not worth it. At all!

So I still haven’t started looking for jobs, and I’ve gained back a bunch of weight. It’s just that I’m so lonely and depressed that after a few days of isolation it’s really hard to deny myself a night out. I know that this is going to be a process – completely changing your lifestyle of 20 years is a pretty big deal – but I’m very frustrated with myself right now.