My New Dating Rules

Well, after the most recent dating disaster, I realized something: my emotions always lead me astray, and I have terrible judgement. So apparently I need some concrete rules to abide by, no matter how great I think my new Mr. Wonderful is. The following may seem obvious to everyone else, but somehow I never managed to learn them. Now I just need someone to practice on…

Never, ever, EVER cancel any sort of plans for him.

Make him do 100% of the work. No texts or calls other than in response to his.

Either of the following criteria must be met for sex, whichever comes first: we’ve been dating for one month, seeing each other AT LEAST once a week; or I feel so comfortable with him that I really and truly trust him, and feel no reservations about finally having sex – I want to be able to really trust and let go.

During makeout sessions, anything below the belt is off limits. If we’re not going to have sex then taking it that far is really just not fair to either of us. There’s plenty of time, we’ll get there.

If he starts being very complimentary early on, tell him to stop it! If he asks what the problem is, explain that this is part of my normal dating pattern: the guy acts super into it in the beginning, but then in a few weeks he has disappeared. Tell him to show me how he feels through his actions. If the point comes when we’re getting more serious, then he can start laying it on, lol!

By no later than the third date, “the conversation” about what we’re both looking for must be had. If he says he’s “not looking for anything serious,” then I must end it. MUST END IT, I don’t care how great of a time I’m having. If he really likes me enough, he’ll come after me.

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Busted!

About six weeks ago I met this guy, I’ll call him Al. He was too young (29) and fresh out of a live-in relationship. Danger danger! But I had the best time I’ve had with a guy in a long, long time. We had a lot in common in spite of the age difference, and I’m not sure I’ve ever been so viscerally attracted to someone I was actually dating. So I went ahead with this high risk situation, despite my misgivings.

Last Thursday I went out and had a few beers with a friend, she went home early, and I decided to hit up bar TC for one last round. I texted Al and asked him out to go see my friend’s band on Sunday night, and not five minutes later looked up to see him at the end of the bar with some cute blonde. My heart stopped. I said out loud, “You have got to be fucking kidding me.” I walked over, grabbed his shoulder, and said “Hi!” then slammed out the door. I lit a cigarette, shaking, waiting for him to come out after me. After a good five minutes they both came out. He looked at me and said, “Are you ok?” I nodded. He said, “Jen, this is my friend Alex.” I shook her hand and said “Nice to meet you.” He asks, “Are you sure you’re ok?” I said, “Yep.” He says, “Well we’re gonna take off, call you tomorrow.” Like it didn’t even fucking matter.

I didn’t hear from him all night. I woke up at 10 the next day, in shock that he couldn’t even be bothered to talk to me about it. I sent him a text that tried to explain that I wasn’t mad that he was on a date, but that he seemed to be being such a dick about the whole thing. I sent another very short one at 2 in which I apologized for “an overly emotional reaction.” At 3 in the afternoon, I finally got a text that said that said he was “sorry for the way things went down,” but that I couldn’t be mad at him about a conversation we never had, and had “probably avoided.” I asked him if he wanted to talk, he said he couldn’t he was on his way to work. Well how convenient! I made clear that I would like to talk to him at his earliest convenience, but of course I haven’t heard from him. I am still really upset and hurt about the whole thing. I was worried from the beginning because I didn’t see how this could all work out in the end, but I surely didn’t expect it to end this way. So I wrote a letter to him, just to get all this junk out of my head. He’ll never see it, but here it is:

I’m sorry for the way this happened. But actually I could’ve reacted much worse. I didn’t yell at you, or at her. I didn’t say anything, really, I was just obviously upset, and I won’t apologize for being upset. I would give a lot to be able to rewind the clock and do it differently, but I can’t. As I said, the fact that you went out with someone else isn’t what pissed me off. I wasn’t happy about it, but you’re right, we never had that discussion. It was a discussion that I wanted to have, and was honestly just waiting until you’d gotten settled into your new place – I know how crazy and stressful moving is, and I wanted you to be in a more settled frame of mind. I would have talked to you on Monday, but we didn’t really have a chance. I wanted to see you later that week not only to see you, but so that we could have that discussion. That is one of the reasons I was so upset: you basically blew me off to go out with her. That is of course your right, you’re not obligated to go out with me at any particular time. But it just made it feel that much worse. Then to show up at a place that you know is a regular hangout of mine…I really hope that was her idea, because it’s very disrespectful.

And then when you acted like the whole thing was just no big deal, and I didn’t hear from you until late the next afternoon, well that really fucking hurt. It shocked me, actually. I just couldn’t believe that you would be that insensitive. All you would have had to do was take a moment to text me something like “I’m so sorry that just happened. I promise I’ll call you tomorrow.” And then do it. Not when you’re on your way out the door to work. That was a pretty jerk move, by the way. So from my perspective it’s not like you handled this perfectly, either.

So yes, I was very upset. I would hope that you would be at least a little upset if you happened to run into ME on a date. Maybe you wouldn’t, I don’t really know. And if that’s the case, then I feel like even more of a fool. No, we had never agreed to be exclusive, and I was very much aware of that. I hung out with a couple of guys during the past month or so. But they weren’t dates, they were people that I ran into while I was out, one of whom I had been dating briefly before I met you. And being with them pretty much confirmed, that yes, I was having an unusually good time with you. Apparently I am different from most women. I don’t get attached through sex, but through having a great time with someone.

I’m not going to apologize for being hurt. I think that’s a pretty normal reaction to a situation like this, especially when you actually really like the other person. Because I really liked you. A lot. More than I wanted to. You’re smart, and sexy, and fun, and I always had such an amazing time with you. You said you liked the way I made you feel. Well the feeling was mutual. I definitely had reservations about you – so young, and fresh out of a serious relationship. It was a high risk situation, but I hadn’t had such a good time in so long…I just couldn’t give it up. It’s pretty rare for me to meet people that I click with, so this just felt like wow, finally!

And then when you asked me to trivia on Monday, it seemed like maybe a step forward – nice, I finally get to meet the friends! I see now that that wasn’t your intention, but that’s what went through my head. And then that night went great, and you were all over me, and gazing into my eyes, and all that, and it just felt so amazing. So when you refused to make plans for later in the week, I was confused, and started wondering if something was up. But I thought that basically things with us were ok, and so on Thursday I asked you out for Sunday night. But then not five minutes later I see you with another girl, well I felt like I had whiplash or something. It just seemed like such a sudden turn from where I thought we had been, and I felt like such an idiot. I have a tender heart, and it’s been stepped on an awful lot, which makes every rejection just feel that much worse.

So again, I won’t apologize for being into you. I had thought you were into me. I thought you were different, actually a good guy, but if you can’t even be bothered to talk to me…I’m really sorry it had to end this way. I thought you were amazing, and that we could have had an incredible time together. I suppose that it’s better that it ended now as opposed to later, since I didn’t see how it could possibly work out in the end. That’s what I really wanted to talk to you about, and I hate that I didn’t get that chance. I guess the joke is on me, yet again.

 

The Dating Game

When it rains it pours. Until it doesn’t. The past few months have been really stressful – just a lot of little things going wrong, and I got sick with some crud that lingered for almost three weeks. After Jordan broke up with me there was no action on the dating front. Nate is back (!) and we had sex on New Year’s Eve (I haven’t gotten laid since, and am starting to get pretty damned cranky.) So nothing much was happening, until…

Bachelor #1, Charlie: A few Saturdays ago I was out with my friend Lynn at bar TC. For whatever reason I was having a really happy buzz and we were having a really great, silly, fun time. This guy Leland that she’s been hanging out with was there, absolutely wasted, which we were both annoyed about. She basically told the bartender to close him out, we both ordered a cider, and then went outside to smoke. While we were out there, the bouncer kicked out Leland, saying, “Don’t come back in here dude, you’re too fuckin’ weird!” Poor Leland, but that’s kind of hilarious. We attempted to talk to his drunk ass for a minute and then sent him on his way.

We went back into the bar, and there was only one beer in our spot. Lynn says, “That motherfucker drank my beer?! Are you kidding me?!” Then the bartender came over and said that no, Leland didn’t drink the beer, he poured it all over the check he was supposed to be closing out. So of course we sat there laughing about how crazy Leland is, and the guy next to me started talking to us about it. His name is Charlie, he’s 33 and a bartender, and he’s really cute. We kept talking, and the two of us hit it off. The three of us went outside to smoke a cig at closing time, and Lynn, bless her, is like, “Ok, I’m taking off.” So then it was just me and Charlie. He asked me if I was watching the football game the next day. I told him that I had a brunch meetup, but no plans after that. He told me where he was going to watch the game, and to swing by if I wanted to. Yay! The first good thing to happen in months!

So I met him at this bar around 4:00 and we hung out and watched the game. We had a good conversation, but he wasn’t really flirting with me or anything. I texted Lynn, “I can’t tell if he’s into me or not,” and she said, “Well he was into you last night, I’m sure it’s fine.” Apparently she was right, because when the game was over he looks at me and says, “What now?” like he still wanted to hang out. We ended up deciding to meet later for dinner at bar TC. Long story short, I had a really great time with him. He’s smart and funny and cute, and we seem to have a lot in common. Still no flirting though, so that was throwing me off. We’d been there for a few hours and it was getting late, so I was like, “Well I guess I should go” and he just said, “Oh” like he was disappointed. He walked me to my car and we were smoking a cigarette, and he starts kind of hemming and hawing – yes, we had reached the awkward point of the evening. So I said, “Well I had a really great time…” and he agreed, and asked me when I was free again. I told him I was busy until Friday, which was true. We decided to just do dinner and a movie at his place. I gave him a hug goodbye, and as I was pulling away I kissed him. Well. This was the best kiss I’ve had in a LONG time: slow, soft, sensual, but not sloppy. It was at this moment that I noticed he has perfect lips. After a bit of this I started to turn away to get in my car, but he grabbed my hand and pulled me back for one more. Yowza! I tried not to get too excited or read too much into anything, but this was one of the best dates I’ve ever had.

Bachelor #2, Jim: I’m a member of an atheist meetup, and one of the first meetups I ever went to (over a year ago) was a talk given by this particular group. It was a panel discussion, and the moderator was this guy Jim. A little older, but handsome and funny and wearing cute glasses. Older guys are NOT my thing, but I thought he was quite attractive. A few months later I went to a get together at this guy W’s house as part of the same meetup group. Jim was there and we talked a bit, but nothing happened, other than that I left my favorite jacket there. On the Tuesday after my Sunday date with Charlie, I went to a networking meetup that is part of the same atheist group. Jim was talking to my career coach, and as I said my hellos to her, I looked at him and said, “Wait a minute, I know you.” It took me a minute to figure it out – “Oh yeah, W’s house!” So we started chatting, I brought up that I’d left my jacket at this guy’s house, and we kept chatting until the meetup actually got started. Everybody did their thing, introducing themselves and yada yada, and then it was more freeform. I was going to play trivia that night and needed to leave early. As I was walking to the door, Jim jumps up from where he was sitting on the floor talking to someone. He was like, “It was so nice to see you again,” and offered to talk to W about my jacket, so I gave him my email. As I was walking to my car, I was thinking, “Was that guy flirting with me? I think he was flirting with me!” The next day he sent me an email, saying what a delightful person I was, and he’d like to get together sometime, and various other complimentary things. Wow! Gentlemen, this is how it’s done! I replied that yes that would be lovely, and gave him my number.

That same day (Wednesday) I got a text from my catering job asking if I could work on Friday night – the night I was supposed to go out with Charlie. I’m broke, so I had to take the shift. At 7:45 PM I texted him asking if we could reschedule for Saturday or Sunday, but never heard anything. I texted him on Thursday night: “Call me crazy, but I’m starting to feel like I’m being stood up. I really hope that’s not the case. Please let me know either way.” Very polite, but actually I was furious!

Bachelor #3, Marcus: I’m trying to finally get my butt in gear about finding a new job/career, and had several appointments with a career coach in December. As part of my coaching plan, I’ve started going to a lot of meetups, just to meet new people and expand my social circle. One of these meetups was a dive bar meetup, and I went to their Thursday night event. (Yes, this all happened in less than a week!) I actually went to an art gallery meetup right before this, and was late and a little buzzed by the time I got to the bar. I ended up mostly talking with the organizer, who was super cool and in the career field I’m interested in. I got introduced to this guy Marcus, who was moderately cute in a nerdy way, and we talked a little bit. We were in the back room, and every once in a while I’d go out to the front patio to smoke. There was this interesting guy visiting from Canada who I got to talking to, and so I kept ping ponging back and forth between the two areas. During one of my smoke breaks just about all of the meetup group left, except Marcus. So I ended up hanging out with him for a while, and both of us got a little hammered. So when he offered me a ride home (I had taken Lyft there) I said yes. We made it to my place safely, and kissed a bit in the car, and I gave him my number.

On Friday Charlie FINALLY called me, saying, “You remember when people used to actually call each other?” He apologized for not getting back to me, and said that sometimes he just gets in this mood where he doesn’t want to talk to anyone. Oh great. One of those guys. In any case, he said rescheduling was fine and we decided on Saturday. Later that night I was texting Lynn about all this and she’s like, “Are you still coming to my birthday party on Saturday?” FUUUCK! I had totally forgotten that I’d RSVP’d yes to this one morning when I was still in bed and hung over. And she’s pretty much my best friend right now so I’d feel bad if I didn’t go. At the same time, I didn’t want to cancel on Charlie again. I decided I could do both, since her thing didn’t start until 9:30.  We’d have dinner at his place, and then I’d ask him to come with me to her party.

So I went over to his apartment on Saturday night and he made me dinner and we watched a really long movie. Everything went fine, but still no flirting. At one point he told me that he sometimes has really bad bouts of social anxiety and doesn’t even want to leave the house. Well fucking great, I sure know how to pick ’em! During the movie I kind of scooted closer and leaned my leg on his, but he didn’t respond in any way. Christ I felt like I was back in high school awkwardness or something. After the movie we went to Lynn’s party. Lynn and her friend Corinne were at one end of the table, and I didn’t know anyone else, so we sat down by them. This guy was sitting between me and Lynn, and when he got up I scooted over next to her, thinking Charlie would scoot close to me. He didn’t, and when the guy came back he sat in the space between us. Ok, this is weird. I looked over at Charlie and mouthed “I’m sorry!” After a while a few of us decided to go back to bar TC. Charlie was driving, so he really didn’t drink much at all, but I guess I started getting pretty tipsy, which was NOT my plan for the night. So we’re at the other bar, and at one point while he was in the bathroom I started bitching about his lack of flirtation. I mean it seriously felt like I was dealing with a brick wall – the guy was giving me no signals whatsoever, and I was starting to feel a little stupid. Lynn was like, “Fuck him, he’s boring!” He’s actually not, but he was also the only sober one in the group, lol!

We drove back to his place and he walked to me car, and I was drunk enough that I started asking him about his apparent lack of interest. He said that he wanted to take things really slow, and that we barely knew each other. This is true, but damn, dude, you gotta give me something! At some point I mentioned the kiss, and he agreed it was amazing. I said, “Really?” and he’s like, “Well yeah! That’s why I pulled you back, I actually kind of scared myself by doing that.” So that’s interesting, but otherwise I was still feeling rejected and stupid, and just left it at “Well if you want to hang out let me know.” After I got home I sent him a couple of texts trying to explain that I don’t chase guys, that it was nice but also confusing to meet someone who doesn’t just want to get in my pants, and how important being a good kisser is. No response until the next day: “I’m sorry…My phone does this ‘do not disturb’ mode after 2:30. Sadly, I just woke up.” I said that I had just woken up too, haha. And no response. Why the fuck did you even text me back if you had nothing to say?! I was pretty upset about the whole situation: I finally find someone I feel like there’s chemistry with, and he just jerks me around like every other guy out there.

Well, Jim and I made a date for that Thursday for dinner at a Thai place in his neighborhood. We ended up talking for four hours. He continued to compliment me, which was nice. I figured out that he’s around 51. That wouldn’t faze a lot of women my age, but it’s a big deal for me. He and I were both going to a bonfire meetup on Friday, so we hung out quite a bit that night as well. I left a little early to go out with Lynn, and he walked me to my car and said, “I don’t know how it’s possible, but every time I see you you get better looking.” Wow. He was doing a podcast on Saturday and invited me to the after-party, which most of the core members of the meetup were going to attend. We hung out a little bit, but I wanted to meet some other people and so circulated quite a bit. I left around 12:15 because I wanted to see who was at bar TC. Sad, I know, but as much as I enjoy his company, I just can’t quite see myself having sex with him. (Whereas Charlie had already become my daily masturbation material.) Of course, we never did kiss. He should have been more forceful… In any case, I think he got the message, because I haven’t heard from him since.

I’ve had two dates with Marcus. The first one was short and sweet, and went pretty well once we got started discussing our favorite sci-fi shows. Then he took me to dinner at a really nice place this past Thursday, and I don’t know, I just wasn’t feeling it. He has all these dietary restrictions, which is just annoying and not very manly. He’s younger than I am, but is all like, “Yeah I don’t really go out that much anymore, trying to tone it down,” etc. etc. I totally get that, but between that and the diet thing I feel like he’s an old man or something. Just loosen up and have fun for chrissake! And he’s kind of short and has a weird walk. The kiss was ok until he started using tongue, and then it just got awkward for some reason. Sigh. Of course it did.

I ran into Charlie last night at bar TC. He was sitting by himself at one of the tables, and I walked over and asked, “How did the interview go?” He said, “Sit.” Ok, yes sir! So we sat there and drank our drinks and talked about random stuff until closing time, with no flirting, and no mention of the last time we saw each other. We went outside and had a cigarette, and finally I said, “Look I’m really sorry about the other night. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.” He’s like, “Don’t worry about it, you were a little intoxicated.” At one point I said, “It was really good to see you,” and he looked right at me and said, with emphasis, “It was really good to see you too. I can actually have a conversation of substance with you, not just talk about the weather or something stupid.” Ok, well that’s good I guess. As we were taking our leave, I said, “Well let me know if you want to hang out sometime,” and he’s like, “Well I’m always available to hang out, too,” or something like that. Dang it I wish I could remember exactly what it was, but I suppose it doesn’t matter anyway.

What the hell is wrong with me?? I can’t, simply can’t, be attracted to the smart, fun, nice, attractive man who apparently is quite taken with me? Or the slightly dorky but smart and seemingly sweet guy who wants to take me out to nice dinners? No of course not, because that would make life easy, now wouldn’t it? No no, I only want to fuck the anxiety-prone weirdo who isn’t interested. AARGH, somebody just shoot me!

Dumped Again

Well I guess I don’t need to worry about what to do about Jordan, since he dumped me last week. At least he had the decency to call me, and not just disappear or text me or something. He got a promotion at work a couple of weeks ago, which he was super excited about. I was pretty jazzed, too, since I was hoping a bigger paycheck might mean he’d actually take me out every now and again. And I was really happy for him too, of course. He texted me telling me the news, and I offered to take him out to celebrate, my treat. But of course he just wanted to have beers at his place. Sigh. So I went and picked up some beer – and a small bottle of Sailor Jerry for good measure – and went to his place. We made some food and were chatting, and at one point he said something like, “Yeah I don’t really like to go out.” I said, “Don’t tell me that.” He said that since he used to work in restaurants he doesn’t like to be in them. Um, what? I’ve worked in them for 16 years, and I love to go out! I’ve never met anyone in the industry who doesn’t! But whatever, I just let it pass. We otherwise had what I thought was a great conversation.

His roommate and his girlfriend came home, and we played a few games of Monopoly Deal with them, which was fun. Then we went to bed and had some pretty damned good sex. I left thinking what a great night we had had, and that maybe it could work out with us. He texted me the next two days, Tuesday and Wednesday, just hey how’s your day kind of stuff. I told him that I was available on Friday or Sunday that weekend if he wanted to do anything. He said he was working early on Saturday and then 11 – 7 on Sunday, but that we’d figure something out. I said, “well poo” and he sent back “I know right?” Then I said, “Well seven is early,” but never got anything back. Friday I sent him a 2:30 AM drunk “Hey what’s up?” and he texted me the next day saying he’d been asleep, which was what I already figured. Sunday I texted him that I was off that day and Monday, and he sent back that he was going to a work event that he “forgot about” and then opening early on Monday. I said “Ok, let me know about tomorrow.”

So I already felt like something was up. Since we’d been seeing each other, he was always the one wanting to hang out, willing to work around schedules or not get much sleep, or whatever, in order to see me. So this whole thing just felt weird. Then on Monday when I finally dragged my ass out of bed I saw that he had called me, and hadn’t left a voicemail or text, which he always did. And so I knew: he’s calling me to break up. I sent him a text “Hey sorry I missed your call, what’s up?” He called right back, and did the deed.

He basically said that since his promotion he’d been thinking about a lot of things, including us. He told me that I was so “amazing in bed” (!!!??) that he was reluctant to hang out with anyone else, and that he “needed some time.” He was like, “I don’t know, I don’t know, what do you think about all this?” I was absolutely floored (and flattered) by the revelation that I’m apparently hot stuff in the sack, but what I said was something along the lines of, “Well, I really like you and I’ve been having a great time. I guess I wasn’t sure if it was going to go anywhere, but I’ve definitely been having fun…” He said that he had kind of gotten that “vibe” from me, that it wasn’t really a long term thing. So then of course I started thinking, “Oh good job Jen, you’ve somehow managed to fuck up this one, too.” He was hemming and hawing, and so I said, “Jordan, if you want to end it, it’s ok. I’m a big girl, I can take it.” He signed off saying, “I don’t know, I just need some time. I’ll give you a call, Jen.” Right.

A week later (a week ago tomorrow), I got a little tipsy and texted him “Thank you for calling me, instead of just doing the fade out. I really do appreciate it. I think you’re amazing. Good luck with all you do. :)” He sent back, “I owe you that much at least. I think you’re amazing, too, Jen, I just think we’re different people/interests. And I’m just figuring my shit out…”

I know he’s right, and I was  never sure about him. We are very different, but I don’t think it was necessarily insurmountable. And I have to admit that I really miss him.  Part of it is simply not having anything else going on and being lonely, but I do think I actually miss HIM. He was cute, and smart, and sweet, and the sex was only getting better. The problem for me was that he didn’t make me feel appreciated as a woman, and so I was holding back emotionally.  Maybe that’s what he was talking about, with getting a vibe like I was only interested in a short term thing? But I mean really dude, learn how to give a compliment every once in a while! I don’t know, I’m obviously still clueless about this whole relationship thing, even after all these many years.

The funny thing is, if it had to happen, it was perfect timing: the very next day I had my first appointment with a career counselor. I’ve scheduled four sessions, just trying to figure out exactly what I want to do, and make a start on getting there. I have work I have to do for that, and a ton of stuff to work on for my class, so I am actually super busy, and a semi-boyfriend would have been a distraction. But damn him, I’m already feeling the lack of sex!

When You Call Me Crazy, It Makes Me Crazy!

An FB friend posted a very cool article about why men call women crazy. (Web address below). It so totally rang true. I have had guys call me “crazy” many times. Mind you, I was not in any way angry, or losing my shit, or yelling, or stalking them, or anything that might remotely be called crazy. I was simply trying to have a rational conversation about whatever was going on between the two of us. I am definitely not a “let’s talk about it” kind of gal. I hate any kind of confrontation or difficult conversation, so if this kind of subject got brought up, it probably wasn’t even my idea. But whatever direction the conversation took apparently made these guys uncomfortable. When I tried to protest their categorization of me as “crazy,” or “irrational,” or “too emotional,” often their counterargument was something along the lines of “but you’re so crazy you don’t even see that you’re crazy.” Huh? There really isn’t a way to argue against something like that.

I’m not trying to say that I am the most Zen, calm, rational person in the world, but I am very self-aware. I’m actually extremely self-conscious, which I suppose could be argued is its own form of crazy. However, I never yell, and rarely raise my voice. I have a very strong filter and think before I speak. I don’t invade others’ personal space, because I like my own. I have never vandalized anyone’s belongings. I am a totally wimpy, non-violent person, and have never punched or hit anyone. I have fought physically with my sister, many many years ago, but she’s my sister and she started it, dammit! I have had a guy try to strangle me over a balcony railing, because he didn’t like the fact that I am pro-choice, but I was only a passive victim in that scenario. (Pretty damned crazy on his part, in my opinion.) I suppose that at certain points I could say that I have been slightly “clingy,” but only because the guy involved seemed to think so. I didn’t think I was clingy at alI – I generally don’t even WANT to talk to someone every day, much less every hour, or whatever relationship crime I was accused of committing.

This article made me feel very vindicated. It was written by a guy who admits that he has used this tactic to discredit women who have done or said things he didn’t like, because they were simply inconvenient to him. He further acknowledges that it has hurt his relationships with women, because it basically shuts down any further conversation about whatever is going on. Because once you call someone crazy, the onus is no longer on you to prove that they ARE crazy, but on them to prove that they’re not, which is basically impossible. He even points out that there is a long history of men calling women “crazy” whenever they don’t like or understand our behavior.

He further points out that the “crazy” argument reinforces the whole virgin / whore dichotomy: either you’re completely innocent and submissive or a wild bitch on wheels. This, of course, is ridiculous. Every woman is both and neither – she is a human being, with her own individual and complex thoughts, emotions, and desires.

It is absolutely infuriating to try have a rational conversation with a man, only to have him tell you that you are “acting crazy.” You know what, once you tell me I’m being crazy, it makes me so angry that I feel like I AM crazy! It makes me doubt myself, my thoughts, my emotions, everything. I have had moments during these “crazy” conversations where I physically felt dizzy, because I literally felt that the rug was being pulled out from under me. I felt like I was living in some unreal parallel universe. I knew that I wasn’t insane, but this person that I like and want to please is telling me that I am. So what am I supposed to do? There is no defense once a man calls you crazy, other than to acquiesce or to leave. He therefore wins by default.

And men are by no means always rational. They like to claim that they are, but I beg to differ. You only want me because you can’t have me? Because we had really great fun sex I’m suddenly a lowly whore and you’re the stud who “conquered” me? You want the girl that treats you badly, while ignoring the woman that truly cares about you? Oh yeah, sounds totally logical to me.  Women of course have their own versions of this kind of irrationality, but the difference is that we don’t have the option of calling guys “crazy.” Nope.

When they work so hard to fuck us, succeed, and then ignore us, make promises that are never kept, stand us up, cheat on their partners with us, blame us because we don’t have multiple orgasms, criticize us because we have a gag reflex, get annoyed when we’re on our period, tell us we wear too much clothing or too little, and on and on and on – it’s just standard male behavior that we have to put up with.

I call bullshit.

If only more men could become as self-aware as Mr. O’Malley, and realize how destructive some of their  behavior toward women truly is.

m.huffpost.com/us/entry/4259779 “On Labeling Women Crazy” by Harris O’Malley, 11-12-13

Update / Jordan

Well it’s been a long time since I’ve posted, not really sure why. Now I think it’s time to write again. So, the super duper short version: I dated this guy Sam all summer, then dumped him, Nate moved back to the Midwest and it’s killing me I miss him so much, I went through a period where I was constantly dating, I started seeing a new guy a few weeks ago but I’m  not sure if I’m into it, and I’m currently trying to dry out so I can finally find a new job. Whew!

So I guess the thing weighing on my mind the most at the moment is the situation with this new guy, Jordan. He contacted me on an online dating site about a month ago or so, when I was in the middle of an online dating frenzy. (I have since taken my profile down, it was just too much of a distraction when I’m trying to get my life together.) We met up at bar H and had a few beers. It went pretty well, but I wasn’t head over heels or anything. I still feel that way, and I can’t put my finger on why.

So first the good stuff: he seems really sweet, he’s smart, he’s cute, he’s tall, and he’s different. He’s close to my age (he’s 36). We’re both atheists who like sci-fi. He’s a good kisser and very affectionate, even in public. The sex isn’t mind-blowing, but it’s good – he has a pretty big dick, likes to go down, and he often stays hard after he comes, yay! He’s an ultra-hiker / trail runner / camping kind of guy – he ran 30 miles the other day and was annoyed that he ran out of steam at mile 21. Really! He blows glass as a hobby, which I think is deeply cool. He loves animals and has a really sweet cat who likes me. He is employed (at REI, natch) and has his own car.

Now the not-so-great stuff: he’s basically a hippie. This in itself is not a problem, but it’s definitely new territory for me – I’m used to ironic, sarcastic guys with a little edge. He has a roommate, and sleeps on a futon mattress on the floor. (The roommate thing is way too common these days – get it together, gentlemen!) I thought this wouldn’t be a big deal – we could just sleep over here most of the time – but now he’s complaining he’s too tall for my bed, which is apparently also too soft. I am too “aggressive and physical” in bed when I’m a bit tipsy, whereas I wish he would be more that way. I want to be spanked, and held down, and fucked hard. I also want to be wined and dined, and that is just not his thing, plus he doesn’t really make a lot of money. In fact, we often go Dutch. He likes girls who don’t wear makeup; I like to dress up and get complimented on the results.

I was hoping that dating someone like this would help me to get out of the worst of my bar-happy habits. I actually really like hiking and camping, and would love to do more of that kind of thing, as opposed to just getting wasted all the time. So my thinking was that this could prove to be really good for me. I suppose that makes me a user in a weird way, but it’s not like he wouldn’t be getting anything out of it, namely lots of sex. So far it hasn’t proven to be the case, although I know it hasn’t been that long. We had our first outdoor outing the other day, and it was really nice. We both have kind of weird schedules, and he was gone to some hippie festival for a whole weekend, so there hasn’t been a lot of opportunity so far. We’ve gone out to the bars a few times, to a movie last night, and have hung out a few times at each other’s apartment. We actually had not gone to a restaurant together until brunch (my idea, of course) a couple of days ago. He almost always has me pick what we’re going to do, which is good and bad. It’s nice doing what I want to do, but I always take his preferences and budget into account when I’m coming up with something, anyway. More importantly… dammit, be a man sometimes! Tell me to dress up and then just come get me! Take me somewhere cool, try to impress me! But that is not going to happen with him, and I need to decide if it’s a dealbreaker or not.

I don’t know if those are legitimate complaints or if I’m being narrow-minded and shallow. I don’t know if the chemistry truly isn’t right, or if there’s something else going on. Is it not the right time? Am I letting my reservations about his living situation and lifestyle get in the way? Or am I right to hold out for someone who will sweep me off my feet?  My first response is to write him off as just not being the right guy, but maybe I need to be patient. I want fireworks, a sense of instant, sparkling chemistry, but the guys I’ve had that with have turned out to either be assholes or unavailable. So maybe what I was feeling wasn’t “chemistry” but rather the excitement and drama of becoming infatuated with someone I couldn’t have. That’s what the rational part of me says, anyway.

Or am I just a loner, incapable of letting anyone in? Maybe I’m just not meant to be with anyone. The funny thing is, that doesn’t upset me for the reasons you’d think it would. I’m not craving a boyfriend or anything. I had been thinking that when I finally manage to get my life together and am doing work at my level, then I’ll find someone. But now…I don’t know. I’ve started to think maybe there’s something not quite right with me, in terms of my ability (or lack thereof) to connect with people. My only “best friend” has been Nikki, who was my bestie from 7th grade until junior year of college. It didn’t end well. I’ve had other friends over the years, but nothing where I felt truly connected in that same way. I’m coming to realize the friends I’ve made here in the city are really more like drinking buddies. I don’t feel like I’ve ever really and truly been in love (except maybe with Nate, more on that in another post), and certainly no one has ever been in love with me. That used to make me really sad, to the point of tears, but now I just feel kind of numb about it.

And that’s how I feel about this whole Jordan thing.

Because I have to say, if relationships really are this boring, I don’t think I want one. I enjoy my time with Jordan, but not enough to say that I only want to be with him. I’m still holding out for the fire, passion, laughter, intensity. I know that stuff doesn’t last forever, but I feel like it should be there in the beginning. Or maybe I’m just an idiot whose expectations are way too high. Or maybe I’m so depressed about my life in general I can’t really feel anything right now. I just don’t know!

Cruel to be Kind

I find myself in a position that I hate. This guy Jesse is really into me and I can’t return the sentiment. We met a few weeks ago at my neighborhood bar, went to Lynn’s house and hung out some more, then I ended up going home with some other guy. The thing is, the night that we met, I was so wasted I didn’t even remember meeting him. Lynn texted me a couple of days later telling me he kept talking about me, and my response was, “Who?” Yeah, not my finest hour. She sent me a picture, and he looked maybe cute but I couldn’t really tell . About a week later she texted me that she was at a party and Jesse was there, so I took the opportunity to go and size him up. We talked for a long time and he seemed really nice but I wasn’t really attracted to him. Of course, right?

We met again a few days later at the same bar and hung out at Lynn’s place for the after party. I was making everyone my special cocktails, and we all ended up getting really fucked up. Somehow he and I ended up outside talking for a really long time about relationships and what not, and I got really upset and started crying, and he was very sweet about it, saying “You’re broken, aren’t you? You’ve been hurt a lot.” I just nodded. We ended up making out for quite a while. We went back inside and hung out for quite a while longer. He eventually passed out on the couch, and Lynn and I were still talking, and after a while she says, “Oh my god, the sun is coming up!” Holy. Shit. We were still super awake, and so decided to go get mimosas at 6:30 in the morning, lol! We came back a couple of hours later, and Jesse was still there asleep. I took him back to my place, out of a lack of any better idea of what to do with him. I put on my pjs and we slept for a while. He tried to mess around a little bit, but I always stopped him. He finally left at around noon.

Since then he’s texted me a few times, and I answered, but shortly. Tonight I hit up the same bar after playing my usual Tuesday trivia, and Lynn was there. She and I were just hanging out talking, and then Jesse and his friend Ryan (one of Lynn’s fuck buddies) showed up. Crap. I knew this would happen, but I guess I had been hoping to put it off. So of course Ryan starts talking to Lynn, and Jesse starts talking to me. We were having a good conversation, but I couldn’t help worrying how this was all going to end.

At closing time we were all out on the sidewalk having one last smoke, and Lynn is like, “So what are we doing? We can all go to my place.” I said I needed to go home, I have to get up, which is true. I finished my cigarette, and said, “Well goodnight kids.” Jesse offered to walk me to my car, and I said, “No that’s ok, thanks.” And just kept walking.

I could have said yes, and told him what the deal is. I admit that it was selfish, I wanted to avoid an awkward conversation. I don’t know which would have been worse for him – having to walk back over to them after I rejected him, or the way that I did it. Fuck! I feel really bad. I so did not mean to lead this guy on, but I feel like I did. I so wish I could be into him, because he seems like a really good guy, but I just can’t. FML.