Dumped Again

Well I guess I don’t need to worry about what to do about Jordan, since he dumped me last week. At least he had the decency to call me, and not just disappear or text me or something. He got a promotion at work a couple of weeks ago, which he was super excited about. I was pretty jazzed, too, since I was hoping a bigger paycheck might mean he’d actually take me out every now and again. And I was really happy for him too, of course. He texted me telling me the news, and I offered to take him out to celebrate, my treat. But of course he just wanted to have beers at his place. Sigh. So I went and picked up some beer – and a small bottle of Sailor Jerry for good measure – and went to his place. We made some food and were chatting, and at one point he said something like, “Yeah I don’t really like to go out.” I said, “Don’t tell me that.” He said that since he used to work in restaurants he doesn’t like to be in them. Um, what? I’ve worked in them for 16 years, and I love to go out! I’ve never met anyone in the industry who doesn’t! But whatever, I just let it pass. We otherwise had what I thought was a great conversation.

His roommate and his girlfriend came home, and we played a few games of Monopoly Deal with them, which was fun. Then we went to bed and had some pretty damned good sex. I left thinking what a great night we had had, and that maybe it could work out with us. He texted me the next two days, Tuesday and Wednesday, just hey how’s your day kind of stuff. I told him that I was available on Friday or Sunday that weekend if he wanted to do anything. He said he was working early on Saturday and then 11 – 7 on Sunday, but that we’d figure something out. I said, “well poo” and he sent back “I know right?” Then I said, “Well seven is early,” but never got anything back. Friday I sent him a 2:30 AM drunk “Hey what’s up?” and he texted me the next day saying he’d been asleep, which was what I already figured. Sunday I texted him that I was off that day and Monday, and he sent back that he was going to a work event that he “forgot about” and then opening early on Monday. I said “Ok, let me know about tomorrow.”

So I already felt like something was up. Since we’d been seeing each other, he was always the one wanting to hang out, willing to work around schedules or not get much sleep, or whatever, in order to see me. So this whole thing just felt weird. Then on Monday when I finally dragged my ass out of bed I saw that he had called me, and hadn’t left a voicemail or text, which he always did. And so I knew: he’s calling me to break up. I sent him a text “Hey sorry I missed your call, what’s up?” He called right back, and did the deed.

He basically said that since his promotion he’d been thinking about a lot of things, including us. He told me that I was so “amazing in bed” (!!!??) that he was reluctant to hang out with anyone else, and that he “needed some time.” He was like, “I don’t know, I don’t know, what do you think about all this?” I was absolutely floored (and flattered) by the revelation that I’m apparently hot stuff in the sack, but what I said was something along the lines of, “Well, I really like you and I’ve been having a great time. I guess I wasn’t sure if it was going to go anywhere, but I’ve definitely been having fun…” He said that he had kind of gotten that “vibe” from me, that it wasn’t really a long term thing. So then of course I started thinking, “Oh good job Jen, you’ve somehow managed to fuck up this one, too.” He was hemming and hawing, and so I said, “Jordan, if you want to end it, it’s ok. I’m a big girl, I can take it.” He signed off saying, “I don’t know, I just need some time. I’ll give you a call, Jen.” Right.

A week later (a week ago tomorrow), I got a little tipsy and texted him “Thank you for calling me, instead of just doing the fade out. I really do appreciate it. I think you’re amazing. Good luck with all you do. :)” He sent back, “I owe you that much at least. I think you’re amazing, too, Jen, I just think we’re different people/interests. And I’m just figuring my shit out…”

I know he’s right, and I was  never sure about him. We are very different, but I don’t think it was necessarily insurmountable. And I have to admit that I really miss him.  Part of it is simply not having anything else going on and being lonely, but I do think I actually miss HIM. He was cute, and smart, and sweet, and the sex was only getting better. The problem for me was that he didn’t make me feel appreciated as a woman, and so I was holding back emotionally.  Maybe that’s what he was talking about, with getting a vibe like I was only interested in a short term thing? But I mean really dude, learn how to give a compliment every once in a while! I don’t know, I’m obviously still clueless about this whole relationship thing, even after all these many years.

The funny thing is, if it had to happen, it was perfect timing: the very next day I had my first appointment with a career counselor. I’ve scheduled four sessions, just trying to figure out exactly what I want to do, and make a start on getting there. I have work I have to do for that, and a ton of stuff to work on for my class, so I am actually super busy, and a semi-boyfriend would have been a distraction. But damn him, I’m already feeling the lack of sex!

When You Call Me Crazy, It Makes Me Crazy!

An FB friend posted a very cool article about why men call women crazy. (Web address below). It so totally rang true. I have had guys call me “crazy” many times. Mind you, I was not in any way angry, or losing my shit, or yelling, or stalking them, or anything that might remotely be called crazy. I was simply trying to have a rational conversation about whatever was going on between the two of us. I am definitely not a “let’s talk about it” kind of gal. I hate any kind of confrontation or difficult conversation, so if this kind of subject got brought up, it probably wasn’t even my idea. But whatever direction the conversation took apparently made these guys uncomfortable. When I tried to protest their categorization of me as “crazy,” or “irrational,” or “too emotional,” often their counterargument was something along the lines of “but you’re so crazy you don’t even see that you’re crazy.” Huh? There really isn’t a way to argue against something like that.

I’m not trying to say that I am the most Zen, calm, rational person in the world, but I am very self-aware. I’m actually extremely self-conscious, which I suppose could be argued is its own form of crazy. However, I never yell, and rarely raise my voice. I have a very strong filter and think before I speak. I don’t invade others’ personal space, because I like my own. I have never vandalized anyone’s belongings. I am a totally wimpy, non-violent person, and have never punched or hit anyone. I have fought physically with my sister, many many years ago, but she’s my sister and she started it, dammit! I have had a guy try to strangle me over a balcony railing, because he didn’t like the fact that I am pro-choice, but I was only a passive victim in that scenario. (Pretty damned crazy on his part, in my opinion.) I suppose that at certain points I could say that I have been slightly “clingy,” but only because the guy involved seemed to think so. I didn’t think I was clingy at alI – I generally don’t even WANT to talk to someone every day, much less every hour, or whatever relationship crime I was accused of committing.

This article made me feel very vindicated. It was written by a guy who admits that he has used this tactic to discredit women who have done or said things he didn’t like, because they were simply inconvenient to him. He further acknowledges that it has hurt his relationships with women, because it basically shuts down any further conversation about whatever is going on. Because once you call someone crazy, the onus is no longer on you to prove that they ARE crazy, but on them to prove that they’re not, which is basically impossible. He even points out that there is a long history of men calling women “crazy” whenever they don’t like or understand our behavior.

He further points out that the “crazy” argument reinforces the whole virgin / whore dichotomy: either you’re completely innocent and submissive or a wild bitch on wheels. This, of course, is ridiculous. Every woman is both and neither – she is a human being, with her own individual and complex thoughts, emotions, and desires.

It is absolutely infuriating to try have a rational conversation with a man, only to have him tell you that you are “acting crazy.” You know what, once you tell me I’m being crazy, it makes me so angry that I feel like I AM crazy! It makes me doubt myself, my thoughts, my emotions, everything. I have had moments during these “crazy” conversations where I physically felt dizzy, because I literally felt that the rug was being pulled out from under me. I felt like I was living in some unreal parallel universe. I knew that I wasn’t insane, but this person that I like and want to please is telling me that I am. So what am I supposed to do? There is no defense once a man calls you crazy, other than to acquiesce or to leave. He therefore wins by default.

And men are by no means always rational. They like to claim that they are, but I beg to differ. You only want me because you can’t have me? Because we had really great fun sex I’m suddenly a lowly whore and you’re the stud who “conquered” me? You want the girl that treats you badly, while ignoring the woman that truly cares about you? Oh yeah, sounds totally logical to me.  Women of course have their own versions of this kind of irrationality, but the difference is that we don’t have the option of calling guys “crazy.” Nope.

When they work so hard to fuck us, succeed, and then ignore us, make promises that are never kept, stand us up, cheat on their partners with us, blame us because we don’t have multiple orgasms, criticize us because we have a gag reflex, get annoyed when we’re on our period, tell us we wear too much clothing or too little, and on and on and on – it’s just standard male behavior that we have to put up with.

I call bullshit.

If only more men could become as self-aware as Mr. O’Malley, and realize how destructive some of their  behavior toward women truly is.

m.huffpost.com/us/entry/4259779 “On Labeling Women Crazy” by Harris O’Malley, 11-12-13

Update / Jordan

Well it’s been a long time since I’ve posted, not really sure why. Now I think it’s time to write again. So, the super duper short version: I dated this guy Sam all summer, then dumped him, Nate moved back to the Midwest and it’s killing me I miss him so much, I went through a period where I was constantly dating, I started seeing a new guy a few weeks ago but I’m  not sure if I’m into it, and I’m currently trying to dry out so I can finally find a new job. Whew!

So I guess the thing weighing on my mind the most at the moment is the situation with this new guy, Jordan. He contacted me on an online dating site about a month ago or so, when I was in the middle of an online dating frenzy. (I have since taken my profile down, it was just too much of a distraction when I’m trying to get my life together.) We met up at bar H and had a few beers. It went pretty well, but I wasn’t head over heels or anything. I still feel that way, and I can’t put my finger on why.

So first the good stuff: he seems really sweet, he’s smart, he’s cute, he’s tall, and he’s different. He’s close to my age (he’s 36). We’re both atheists who like sci-fi. He’s a good kisser and very affectionate, even in public. The sex isn’t mind-blowing, but it’s good – he has a pretty big dick, likes to go down, and he often stays hard after he comes, yay! He’s an ultra-hiker / trail runner / camping kind of guy – he ran 30 miles the other day and was annoyed that he ran out of steam at mile 21. Really! He blows glass as a hobby, which I think is deeply cool. He loves animals and has a really sweet cat who likes me. He is employed (at REI, natch) and has his own car.

Now the not-so-great stuff: he’s basically a hippie. This in itself is not a problem, but it’s definitely new territory for me – I’m used to ironic, sarcastic guys with a little edge. He has a roommate, and sleeps on a futon mattress on the floor. (The roommate thing is way too common these days – get it together, gentlemen!) I thought this wouldn’t be a big deal – we could just sleep over here most of the time – but now he’s complaining he’s too tall for my bed, which is apparently also too soft. I am too “aggressive and physical” in bed when I’m a bit tipsy, whereas I wish he would be more that way. I want to be spanked, and held down, and fucked hard. I also want to be wined and dined, and that is just not his thing, plus he doesn’t really make a lot of money. In fact, we often go Dutch. He likes girls who don’t wear makeup; I like to dress up and get complimented on the results.

I was hoping that dating someone like this would help me to get out of the worst of my bar-happy habits. I actually really like hiking and camping, and would love to do more of that kind of thing, as opposed to just getting wasted all the time. So my thinking was that this could prove to be really good for me. I suppose that makes me a user in a weird way, but it’s not like he wouldn’t be getting anything out of it, namely lots of sex. So far it hasn’t proven to be the case, although I know it hasn’t been that long. We had our first outdoor outing the other day, and it was really nice. We both have kind of weird schedules, and he was gone to some hippie festival for a whole weekend, so there hasn’t been a lot of opportunity so far. We’ve gone out to the bars a few times, to a movie last night, and have hung out a few times at each other’s apartment. We actually had not gone to a restaurant together until brunch (my idea, of course) a couple of days ago. He almost always has me pick what we’re going to do, which is good and bad. It’s nice doing what I want to do, but I always take his preferences and budget into account when I’m coming up with something, anyway. More importantly… dammit, be a man sometimes! Tell me to dress up and then just come get me! Take me somewhere cool, try to impress me! But that is not going to happen with him, and I need to decide if it’s a dealbreaker or not.

I don’t know if those are legitimate complaints or if I’m being narrow-minded and shallow. I don’t know if the chemistry truly isn’t right, or if there’s something else going on. Is it not the right time? Am I letting my reservations about his living situation and lifestyle get in the way? Or am I right to hold out for someone who will sweep me off my feet?  My first response is to write him off as just not being the right guy, but maybe I need to be patient. I want fireworks, a sense of instant, sparkling chemistry, but the guys I’ve had that with have turned out to either be assholes or unavailable. So maybe what I was feeling wasn’t “chemistry” but rather the excitement and drama of becoming infatuated with someone I couldn’t have. That’s what the rational part of me says, anyway.

Or am I just a loner, incapable of letting anyone in? Maybe I’m just not meant to be with anyone. The funny thing is, that doesn’t upset me for the reasons you’d think it would. I’m not craving a boyfriend or anything. I had been thinking that when I finally manage to get my life together and am doing work at my level, then I’ll find someone. But now…I don’t know. I’ve started to think maybe there’s something not quite right with me, in terms of my ability (or lack thereof) to connect with people. My only “best friend” has been Nikki, who was my bestie from 7th grade until junior year of college. It didn’t end well. I’ve had other friends over the years, but nothing where I felt truly connected in that same way. I’m coming to realize the friends I’ve made here in the city are really more like drinking buddies. I don’t feel like I’ve ever really and truly been in love (except maybe with Nate, more on that in another post), and certainly no one has ever been in love with me. That used to make me really sad, to the point of tears, but now I just feel kind of numb about it.

And that’s how I feel about this whole Jordan thing.

Because I have to say, if relationships really are this boring, I don’t think I want one. I enjoy my time with Jordan, but not enough to say that I only want to be with him. I’m still holding out for the fire, passion, laughter, intensity. I know that stuff doesn’t last forever, but I feel like it should be there in the beginning. Or maybe I’m just an idiot whose expectations are way too high. Or maybe I’m so depressed about my life in general I can’t really feel anything right now. I just don’t know!

I Need to Get Laid!

I need hands on me. Strong masculine hands. Pulling me close. Sliding up under my hair, down my back, grabbing my ass and my hips. Cup my breasts, tease the nipples. Slowly. Oh god, I’m shivering. Kiss me. Gently, now harder. Show me how much you want me. Now your mouth. On my neck, my breasts. Are you hard? Let me feel you…mmm…rock hard..yes. Kneel down in front of me. Lift my shirt. Kiss my belly, lower, lower…Take off my jeans. Slide your hands up my calves, my thighs, slide your finger inside me. Oh god. I hear your breath hitch, that’s good. I need you to want me. Push me back on the bed. Spread my legs. Lick me. Let me know you like it, I want to hear you. Lick, tease, kiss, suck. I can’t stand it anymore, I want you on top of me, I want to feel your weight and your strength. I want to know I can’t get away. Kiss me. Tease my clit with your cock, make me beg. Now slide it inside. Slowly. Make me feel every hard inch. Kiss me. Let me set the pace, squeezing you, working you. God I can see you in the mirror. Your shoulders, your ass when you move inside of me. So hot. I can’t stop looking. I can visualize your dick inside me, working me, opening me. I want to make you come. Oh fuck I can feel you about to come, getting harder, breathing faster, it’s taking me over the edge, oh god don’t come yet!

Mmm, but you don’t. You let me dissolve around you, still inside of me, breathing hard, slowing your rhythm so you can keep going. Now you take control, flip me over,  put me on my hands and knees in front of you, legs spread, head down, pussy completely exposed. You know what you want. I’m breathing hard, in suspense, a little afraid. Completely yours to command, your slave. You tease me, caressing me with your finger, watching my reaction in the mirror. You tease my pussy with your cock, I helplessly push back against you. You smile. This is what you want. You slide into me, so, so slow. I start to move against you, but you grab my hips, stilling me. You push all the way in, and I moan. Then you lean over me and work my hard little clit. I’m completely trapped. Filled with you. You won’t let me go. I have no choice but to give in, and I come again, with you deep inside me. But that’s too much, you can’t hold out. You start to fuck me, harder, faster, spanking me, telling me how good I feel. Oh god I love it! Yes fuck me! I want you to lose control! You put your hands around my waist, tell me how gorgeous my ass is, pound me so hard it hurts, god I can feel how hard you are, and finally you lose yourself in me…Ahhh…yes…I smile. This is what I wanted.

Would you like some cheese with that whine?

Black. Depression. That’s where I am right now. That’s why I haven’t written in so long – I haven’t felt able to. I don’t even know where to start. Too much partying. Way too much. Trying to erase the pain, and of course it doesn’t work. Nate seems to have dropped off the face of the Earth. I’ve had sex once in the past two months, and the few flashes I remember…well let’s just say it wasn’t worth it. Hell I didn’t even think the guy was cute, I just so desperately needed to feel something, just get laid, and in the moment it didn’t matter who it was. I’ve had a string of guys hit on me, none of whom were attractive, some of whom were downright psycho. At first I couldn’t figure out what was going on, I was just angry: why is this happening to me?! Now I think I know what the problem is: I’m so miserable, so unhappy, that it’s somehow drawing negative people to me. It doesn’t help that my new friend Lynn is having the time of her life having sex with various super-hot dudes, and I am jealous beyond belief. Two of my friends have moved away, L and D. C is dating some dude who she’s not really that into, but in any case I don’t see her very often anymore. I feel like I have to start all over building up a group of friends, and quite frankly I don’t have the energy. I keep getting sick, so those rare times that I do feel productive never build any momentum. And so I’m stuck, starting over, again and again and again. Lynn tells me I’m too hard on myself, but she doesn’t get it – she has a career, and financial stability, and hot guys all over the place. Hell she’s already been married and divorced. She’s already had everything that I have failed to achieve. Am I hard on myself? Damned right I am, because I am nearly 40 years old and have failed at life. In every aspect: financially, career-wise, relationships. All shit. I saw Matt a couple of weeks ago, but I don’t really think he’s that interested; same goes for Johnny. This one guy Jesse is super into me, and he’s nice, and age-appropriate, and stable, and so of course I don’t find him attractive. I really really wish that chemistry and attraction didn’t matter, but damn it they do, and I have absolutely no control over it. I have a date tomorrow night with this guy I met online, but I don’t have high hopes. I kind of feel sorry for this guy in advance. I really shouldn’t be dating at all right now, not until I can pull myself out of this funk. I’m so down I just really don’t have much to say. And yet I can’t seem to stop looking. Story of my life.

Day of the Penis

So last Saturday there was an art show all about penises. Well! You know I’m going to go see THAT. I went with C, since L blew me off. It was a very small show, and not that exciting, honestly. But there was a guy walking around in just a trenchcoat and nothing else. He was carrying a picture frame, so, you know, you could take a proper picture of his junk. I thought about doing this, but chickened out. I sent Nate a text that I was at an art show about penises, but that “they got nothin on you, babe!” Which was true. He sent back that I made his night. 🙂

We went next door to a wine bar and had some food, then walked a few blocks to this craft cocktail bar. There was a line to get in (to a bar?!) and the guy behind us in line started chatting with us. He was a bit older but quite attractive. We ordered, and he started talking to us again. He said – and I swear this is how he said it, because C heard it, too – “Would you guys like to go out sometime?” I looked at him and said, “Both of us?” Then I looked at her and said, “Oh my god it’s happening again,” since back in December this guy really DID ask both of us out, and then wondered why we got pissed off. So oldie-but-cutie said something but I couldn’t understand him, and I said, “Are you asking both of us out right now?” He looks at me and says “No offense, I’m just more into the blond thing.” Well okey-dokey, asshole! I turned around to the bar and sipped my drink, rather annoyed. He took off after a minute, and C said she told him she was seeing someone. So that was a fine start to the evening. We moved away from the bar and ended up standing in front of this big mirror; not the best place for action, but at least out of the way of the traffic. Some other random dude made some innocuous comment, but that was the only action we got in that bar. We ended up sitting on a bench and just talking between ourselves.

Being a craft cocktail place, it was rather expensive, so we just had two rounds and then left. On the way back to my car, there was another bar. Popular and packed. We managed to get drinks, and then C went to the bathroom. It was taking her so long that I texted her I was going to go smoke. Not much room on the patio, either, so I ended up just standing next to the table closest to the doorway.

C made it out there, and this very cute guy started talking to us. He said, “I’ll make you a bet, that I’m older than you.” At stake was a drink. Being the very attractive older ladies that we are, we told him we’d take that bet. He said he was 34 (he did look much younger) but of course we were able to trump that with 37 and 38. Hah! Told ya, sucka! Things went rapidly downhill from there. I have no idea why, but he started showing us pics of him having sex with various girls. Now I obviously am not that repressed when it comes to sex and penii, but I have to admit I was kind of shocked, and very uncomfortable. Why in god’s name would a guy do this?! He didn’t seem to understand why we weren’t impressed. Then he says, “So what’s the horniest you guys have ever been?” I wish someone would have been filming, because our reaction was just to turn and look at one another, completely at a loss. If I would have been watching this happen to someone else, I think I would’ve laughed my ass off. What is wrong with this dude?!

Thankfully, and completely out of the blue, Joe from trivia showed up. WTF!!! I haven’t written about him yet, so here’s the deal: I play trivia every week with C and her brother and sister-in-law. We’re pretty good, and made it to the semi-finals, which were held this past January. Joe was the host for the tournament, and I was immediately drawn to him. He’s got that cute nerdy possibly Jewish thing going on, which for whatever reason I just adore. He also has a degree in English, and a sweet smile. A little short, but I was wearing a small heel and he seemed to be my height, so I can deal. We talked a bit that night, as he was impressed with my answer to one of the questions. After that he started hosting our regular weekly trivia sessions. I had to miss the first session back after the finals, and the next week when I showed up, he’s like, “There she is!” He also remembered several details I had told him about myself – mind you, we had only met once before this. He’s come over to chat with our table a couple of times since then, and I always got the feeling like he was looking at me a lot more than anyone else. So last week when we were leaving trivia I waved bye to him and then did the look back / smile / hair flip move – and he was still smiling at me!

So now he shows up at a bar that we never go to, and it turns out that he never goes there either. His dad was visiting, and so they were staying at a downtown hotel and ended up at this bar. Ok but that is just weird! He immediately offered to buy me a drink, which I accepted. We all talked for few minutes outside, weirdo sex guy came through on the bet and brought me a drink, and then C, Joe and I went inside to hang out in a relatively quiet spot (I don’t know where his dad was). We mostly just talked about random stuff, and there wasn’t any real flirting going on. I don’t think so anyway – I was getting a little tipsy by this point. The lights came on and I still had my bet drink, so Joe helped me with it.

He left, and C and I went outside. I decided to have a smoke and watch the shit show. This really drunk girl asked to bum a smoke and started talking to us. She was going on about how some dude had kept hitting on her all night, but she wasn’t having it because she had “pussy power”! So then the guy she was telling us about comes over to talk to her and she keeps talking about pussy power, and high-fiving us. So then she tells the guy, “Well maybe I’ll hook up with you, let us see what we’re working with.” So he unzips and pulls out his dick right there on the sidewalk! Nothing impressive, and she’s like, “We don’t want any of that, do we girls?” Oh lord. We just kind of laughed and walked back to my car, saying what the fuck is up with this night!

The penis tally for the evening: 2 live ones, and a whole bunch of pictures. Well my goal had been to see some cock. Be careful what you wish for!

Revelations

Sunday was an interesting day. I was pretty hung over from Saturday night, so I slept way late. Nate and I had made plans to hook up at around 4:00, but he said he wanted to see me earlier, that he’d been thinking about “touching that sexy body and kissing that beautiful face” all day. Well alrighty then! I put on a cute sexy outfit (a tight skirt with tall socks and boots, his favorite), makeup, the whole deal; I like doing that for him. I was still getting ready when he texted me he was on his way. What?! He never comes to my place, which at this point was a wreck! But he was there before I knew it, so whatever. We had an awesome time, as usual, although he went back to using the condoms, dammit. (He’d just gotten tested, and I haven’t been in a while. Can’t say I blame him, smart boy.) He kept going on about how sexy I was; he usually does a bit of this, but this time he wouldn’t shut up about it! Not that I’m complaining, it was just kind of odd. There were also several revelations:

1. He went down on me, finally! And wow he’s good at it, thank heavens. It had been sooo long – most of the guys here are really selfish. I asked him later why today was the day, and he said he has to know a girl for awhile. Um, ok. I can only imagine the grief I would get from guys if I tried to use this excuse. It took a year, but at least we’re here now.

2. I asked him how many other fuck buddies he has, and he said he has one. I said, “Yeah, I used to have another one, too, but…I don’t know, meh.” (This would be K, the architect, who I haven’t seen since last spring.) He said that’s kind of how he feels about this girl. He said that she just wanted the dick right away, that it was just him fucking her. He told me he liked that we had “sexual adventures” together. I told him that I liked him telling me what to do. It actually doesn’t really bother me that he has another partner – at least I’m #1, lol! If I knew he was lying and that I’m actually #2, then yeah I would feel pretty stupid. He could be totally bullshitting me, but I shall choose to live in contented ignorance.

3. He’s planning on moving back to Iowa within 6 months. He told me this a few months ago, and then said he wasn’t going. Now I guess it’s back on. I can’t deny that this makes me sad, this has been one of the longest and best relationships I’ve ever had, lol!

4. He thinks I’m getting hit on constantly, and therefore constantly getting busy. Er, no. He said, “Well I met you on a one night stand, you can’t blame me for assuming.” Hmm, that opens up a window into the male mind. Now this does kind of bother me. I definitely had my crazy phases during the past year, which I chalk up to (1) being let out of the cage of a 5 ½ year relationship and (2) finally realizing that I am a very attractive woman. I defy anyone who feels newly sexually powerful to not use it! I’m pretty much over all that stuff now, though; other than KC (who I was ridiculously and stupidly into), I haven’t slept with anyone besides Nate in the last several months.  I’m ready to settle down again, as long as the relationship stays fun and sexy.

5. He admitted he’d thought about dating me. We actually had time to cuddle and talk for a little while (it started raining – nice), which we usually don’t, and the subject came up. It at least made me feel like slightly less of an idiot, since I’ve thought about him in that way many times.

I made it pretty clear that I would have been down for a relationship. He said he knew that I would have, but it wouldn’t have been fair to me since he was so unsettled about what he was going to do. I suppose that’s true, and I told him that I have always appreciated his honesty with me. He never made me any promises; far from it. I would rather have honesty than to constantly be let down, which is what’s happened with 99.9% of the guys I’ve dated.  But it also makes me feel kind of like, “Damn! Maybe I could’ve turned this into something if I’d made my interest clearer early on.” That’s probably not true, and in any case I didn’t want to lose what we DID have, didn’t want to scare him away, so I kept quiet.

I ended up at club T later on Sunday night, and texted him that I wished he were there to “put his hand up my skirt in public.” I didn’t really expect to hear back from him, but he texted back quickly, saying that that definitely sounded like fun and to let him know if I was going to be up late. Really? He wants to see me twice in one day? It turned out that he was stuck at work until after 2:00am, so we didn’t. 😦

He texted me again yesterday to hang out, but I was sick. Sick again, godammit, I just got well two weeks ago! You know, I never hear from him this often. I know I shouldn’t make too much of it, but it is odd. I halfway expected that our little talk would freak him out and that I wouldn’t hear from him for a while, but apparently not.

To continue Sunday’s narrative: After Nate left for work I heard from L. She and JW were at my work hanging out, mistakenly thinking that I worked on Sundays. They were already drunk, as usual. While I was freshening up to go meet them, she texted me saying they had gotten in a huge fight. Great! I came out and picked them up, then drove back to L’s place, the two of them arguing all the way.  Well this day was certainly going downhill fast! I go from having great sex and some cuddles with a guy I really like to being caught in the middle of a fight. I was going to just drop them off, but L really wanted me to come in. I’m nothing if not a good friend, so I did, groaning inside. They tabled the hostilities, and I eventually told L that she was going to have to let it go, which she agreed to. JW kept pouring us shots of Jameson, damn him! I wasn’t planning to get smashed, but if there’s a shot just sitting there I admit it’s hard for me to say no. I was having a good time, but after a while they started getting frisky and so I excused myself.

Club T was on my way home, and I decided to stop in and have one drink – I was dressed really cute, after all. 😉  I nursed my drink, and texted with my friend C and with Nate. I also sang along with the piano player – apparently I was a little more toasted than I realized. After he was finished he came over and said hi. We’d never spoken before. He’s in his 40s, but still kind of hot – slim, tats, cute clothes – he looks like a rock star, just with a few wrinkles around the eyes. We ended up talking for quite a while. At some point I went to go have a smoke and fell in with another group of people, one of whom was this amazingly hot guy I’d seen there before. I thought maybe he was interested, but at some point he just disappeared; probably a booty call or something. Oh well, he’s too young anyway. I ended the night with Piano Man saying he would come see me at my work the next day, since he works in the area on Mondays.

He actually showed up, holy cow! We had a really good conversation. He’s smart, and we have a lot in common. But he left without asking for my number; he just said “Sunday night, right?” as he was leaving, and I said “Probably.” Hmm, weird. He’s older, and he has a daughter, maybe he’s just more circumspect about these things? Wants to talk to me a little more before he decides to ask me out? I’m not used to not being jumped on immediately. I came across his profile on Match earlier today, hee hee. I wonder if he’s seen me on there before.