Update / Jordan

Well it’s been a long time since I’ve posted, not really sure why. Now I think it’s time to write again. So, the super duper short version: I dated this guy Sam all summer, then dumped him, Nate moved back to the Midwest and it’s killing me I miss him so much, I went through a period where I was constantly dating, I started seeing a new guy a few weeks ago but I’m  not sure if I’m into it, and I’m currently trying to dry out so I can finally find a new job. Whew!

So I guess the thing weighing on my mind the most at the moment is the situation with this new guy, Jordan. He contacted me on an online dating site about a month ago or so, when I was in the middle of an online dating frenzy. (I have since taken my profile down, it was just too much of a distraction when I’m trying to get my life together.) We met up at bar H and had a few beers. It went pretty well, but I wasn’t head over heels or anything. I still feel that way, and I can’t put my finger on why.

So first the good stuff: he seems really sweet, he’s smart, he’s cute, he’s tall, and he’s different. He’s close to my age (he’s 36). We’re both atheists who like sci-fi. He’s a good kisser and very affectionate, even in public. The sex isn’t mind-blowing, but it’s good – he has a pretty big dick, likes to go down, and he often stays hard after he comes, yay! He’s an ultra-hiker / trail runner / camping kind of guy – he ran 30 miles the other day and was annoyed that he ran out of steam at mile 21. Really! He blows glass as a hobby, which I think is deeply cool. He loves animals and has a really sweet cat who likes me. He is employed (at REI, natch) and has his own car.

Now the not-so-great stuff: he’s basically a hippie. This in itself is not a problem, but it’s definitely new territory for me – I’m used to ironic, sarcastic guys with a little edge. He has a roommate, and sleeps on a futon mattress on the floor. (The roommate thing is way too common these days – get it together, gentlemen!) I thought this wouldn’t be a big deal – we could just sleep over here most of the time – but now he’s complaining he’s too tall for my bed, which is apparently also too soft. I am too “aggressive and physical” in bed when I’m a bit tipsy, whereas I wish he would be more that way. I want to be spanked, and held down, and fucked hard. I also want to be wined and dined, and that is just not his thing, plus he doesn’t really make a lot of money. In fact, we often go Dutch. He likes girls who don’t wear makeup; I like to dress up and get complimented on the results.

I was hoping that dating someone like this would help me to get out of the worst of my bar-happy habits. I actually really like hiking and camping, and would love to do more of that kind of thing, as opposed to just getting wasted all the time. So my thinking was that this could prove to be really good for me. I suppose that makes me a user in a weird way, but it’s not like he wouldn’t be getting anything out of it, namely lots of sex. So far it hasn’t proven to be the case, although I know it hasn’t been that long. We had our first outdoor outing the other day, and it was really nice. We both have kind of weird schedules, and he was gone to some hippie festival for a whole weekend, so there hasn’t been a lot of opportunity so far. We’ve gone out to the bars a few times, to a movie last night, and have hung out a few times at each other’s apartment. We actually had not gone to a restaurant together until brunch (my idea, of course) a couple of days ago. He almost always has me pick what we’re going to do, which is good and bad. It’s nice doing what I want to do, but I always take his preferences and budget into account when I’m coming up with something, anyway. More importantly… dammit, be a man sometimes! Tell me to dress up and then just come get me! Take me somewhere cool, try to impress me! But that is not going to happen with him, and I need to decide if it’s a dealbreaker or not.

I don’t know if those are legitimate complaints or if I’m being narrow-minded and shallow. I don’t know if the chemistry truly isn’t right, or if there’s something else going on. Is it not the right time? Am I letting my reservations about his living situation and lifestyle get in the way? Or am I right to hold out for someone who will sweep me off my feet?  My first response is to write him off as just not being the right guy, but maybe I need to be patient. I want fireworks, a sense of instant, sparkling chemistry, but the guys I’ve had that with have turned out to either be assholes or unavailable. So maybe what I was feeling wasn’t “chemistry” but rather the excitement and drama of becoming infatuated with someone I couldn’t have. That’s what the rational part of me says, anyway.

Or am I just a loner, incapable of letting anyone in? Maybe I’m just not meant to be with anyone. The funny thing is, that doesn’t upset me for the reasons you’d think it would. I’m not craving a boyfriend or anything. I had been thinking that when I finally manage to get my life together and am doing work at my level, then I’ll find someone. But now…I don’t know. I’ve started to think maybe there’s something not quite right with me, in terms of my ability (or lack thereof) to connect with people. My only “best friend” has been Nikki, who was my bestie from 7th grade until junior year of college. It didn’t end well. I’ve had other friends over the years, but nothing where I felt truly connected in that same way. I’m coming to realize the friends I’ve made here in the city are really more like drinking buddies. I don’t feel like I’ve ever really and truly been in love (except maybe with Nate, more on that in another post), and certainly no one has ever been in love with me. That used to make me really sad, to the point of tears, but now I just feel kind of numb about it.

And that’s how I feel about this whole Jordan thing.

Because I have to say, if relationships really are this boring, I don’t think I want one. I enjoy my time with Jordan, but not enough to say that I only want to be with him. I’m still holding out for the fire, passion, laughter, intensity. I know that stuff doesn’t last forever, but I feel like it should be there in the beginning. Or maybe I’m just an idiot whose expectations are way too high. Or maybe I’m so depressed about my life in general I can’t really feel anything right now. I just don’t know!

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Revelations

Sunday was an interesting day. I was pretty hung over from Saturday night, so I slept way late. Nate and I had made plans to hook up at around 4:00, but he said he wanted to see me earlier, that he’d been thinking about “touching that sexy body and kissing that beautiful face” all day. Well alrighty then! I put on a cute sexy outfit (a tight skirt with tall socks and boots, his favorite), makeup, the whole deal; I like doing that for him. I was still getting ready when he texted me he was on his way. What?! He never comes to my place, which at this point was a wreck! But he was there before I knew it, so whatever. We had an awesome time, as usual, although he went back to using the condoms, dammit. (He’d just gotten tested, and I haven’t been in a while. Can’t say I blame him, smart boy.) He kept going on about how sexy I was; he usually does a bit of this, but this time he wouldn’t shut up about it! Not that I’m complaining, it was just kind of odd. There were also several revelations:

1. He went down on me, finally! And wow he’s good at it, thank heavens. It had been sooo long – most of the guys here are really selfish. I asked him later why today was the day, and he said he has to know a girl for awhile. Um, ok. I can only imagine the grief I would get from guys if I tried to use this excuse. It took a year, but at least we’re here now.

2. I asked him how many other fuck buddies he has, and he said he has one. I said, “Yeah, I used to have another one, too, but…I don’t know, meh.” (This would be K, the architect, who I haven’t seen since last spring.) He said that’s kind of how he feels about this girl. He said that she just wanted the dick right away, that it was just him fucking her. He told me he liked that we had “sexual adventures” together. I told him that I liked him telling me what to do. It actually doesn’t really bother me that he has another partner – at least I’m #1, lol! If I knew he was lying and that I’m actually #2, then yeah I would feel pretty stupid. He could be totally bullshitting me, but I shall choose to live in contented ignorance.

3. He’s planning on moving back to Iowa within 6 months. He told me this a few months ago, and then said he wasn’t going. Now I guess it’s back on. I can’t deny that this makes me sad, this has been one of the longest and best relationships I’ve ever had, lol!

4. He thinks I’m getting hit on constantly, and therefore constantly getting busy. Er, no. He said, “Well I met you on a one night stand, you can’t blame me for assuming.” Hmm, that opens up a window into the male mind. Now this does kind of bother me. I definitely had my crazy phases during the past year, which I chalk up to (1) being let out of the cage of a 5 ½ year relationship and (2) finally realizing that I am a very attractive woman. I defy anyone who feels newly sexually powerful to not use it! I’m pretty much over all that stuff now, though; other than KC (who I was ridiculously and stupidly into), I haven’t slept with anyone besides Nate in the last several months.  I’m ready to settle down again, as long as the relationship stays fun and sexy.

5. He admitted he’d thought about dating me. We actually had time to cuddle and talk for a little while (it started raining – nice), which we usually don’t, and the subject came up. It at least made me feel like slightly less of an idiot, since I’ve thought about him in that way many times.

I made it pretty clear that I would have been down for a relationship. He said he knew that I would have, but it wouldn’t have been fair to me since he was so unsettled about what he was going to do. I suppose that’s true, and I told him that I have always appreciated his honesty with me. He never made me any promises; far from it. I would rather have honesty than to constantly be let down, which is what’s happened with 99.9% of the guys I’ve dated.  But it also makes me feel kind of like, “Damn! Maybe I could’ve turned this into something if I’d made my interest clearer early on.” That’s probably not true, and in any case I didn’t want to lose what we DID have, didn’t want to scare him away, so I kept quiet.

I ended up at club T later on Sunday night, and texted him that I wished he were there to “put his hand up my skirt in public.” I didn’t really expect to hear back from him, but he texted back quickly, saying that that definitely sounded like fun and to let him know if I was going to be up late. Really? He wants to see me twice in one day? It turned out that he was stuck at work until after 2:00am, so we didn’t. 😦

He texted me again yesterday to hang out, but I was sick. Sick again, godammit, I just got well two weeks ago! You know, I never hear from him this often. I know I shouldn’t make too much of it, but it is odd. I halfway expected that our little talk would freak him out and that I wouldn’t hear from him for a while, but apparently not.

To continue Sunday’s narrative: After Nate left for work I heard from L. She and JW were at my work hanging out, mistakenly thinking that I worked on Sundays. They were already drunk, as usual. While I was freshening up to go meet them, she texted me saying they had gotten in a huge fight. Great! I came out and picked them up, then drove back to L’s place, the two of them arguing all the way.  Well this day was certainly going downhill fast! I go from having great sex and some cuddles with a guy I really like to being caught in the middle of a fight. I was going to just drop them off, but L really wanted me to come in. I’m nothing if not a good friend, so I did, groaning inside. They tabled the hostilities, and I eventually told L that she was going to have to let it go, which she agreed to. JW kept pouring us shots of Jameson, damn him! I wasn’t planning to get smashed, but if there’s a shot just sitting there I admit it’s hard for me to say no. I was having a good time, but after a while they started getting frisky and so I excused myself.

Club T was on my way home, and I decided to stop in and have one drink – I was dressed really cute, after all. 😉  I nursed my drink, and texted with my friend C and with Nate. I also sang along with the piano player – apparently I was a little more toasted than I realized. After he was finished he came over and said hi. We’d never spoken before. He’s in his 40s, but still kind of hot – slim, tats, cute clothes – he looks like a rock star, just with a few wrinkles around the eyes. We ended up talking for quite a while. At some point I went to go have a smoke and fell in with another group of people, one of whom was this amazingly hot guy I’d seen there before. I thought maybe he was interested, but at some point he just disappeared; probably a booty call or something. Oh well, he’s too young anyway. I ended the night with Piano Man saying he would come see me at my work the next day, since he works in the area on Mondays.

He actually showed up, holy cow! We had a really good conversation. He’s smart, and we have a lot in common. But he left without asking for my number; he just said “Sunday night, right?” as he was leaving, and I said “Probably.” Hmm, weird. He’s older, and he has a daughter, maybe he’s just more circumspect about these things? Wants to talk to me a little more before he decides to ask me out? I’m not used to not being jumped on immediately. I came across his profile on Match earlier today, hee hee. I wonder if he’s seen me on there before.

Yep, I still hate men.

Haven’t written in a while. Partially because I’ve been super busy, partially because I haven’t felt up to it. The most recent lame ass events deserve to be preserved for posterity, however. So one of the reasons I wrote that last man-hating post was that I had met this guy Shawn, back in late October. He was cute, but he was also 26. We kept trying to hook up but our schedules never seemed to match and I was frustrated. We never did manage to make it work out. I didn’t hear from him for a while, and then I got a text from him last Sunday asking if I was working. I said, “No, I’m on a date.” Which I sort of was. So here’s that story:

On Wed. Nov. 28 I was at work at the bar. Super slow as usual. I hadn’t showered or fixed my hair and I had on no makeup, because fuck that place. I have a regular named Sam, and on this particular night he asked me out. Sam is a nice guy and he’s close to my age, but I am not attracted to him in the least – short teddy bear type, no thank you. He left me his number and I just smiled. Then my other regular Bill showed up. We were chatting for a long time and he mentioned that he had a friend he wanted to hook me up with. His friend is 51. Yikes! But the young ones aren’t working out, so I said ok, bring him by some time. While Bill was still there this guy came in. Work jacket, baseball cap, kinda cute. Very talkative and friendly type. He said that he used to come in the restaurant a lot with his ex girl, and at one point had tried a shot of this whiskey we have. He had really liked it and couldn’t remember what it was called, and so had stopped in to find out. After a while Bill left and it was just the two of us. I’ll call this fine young gentleman KC.

He told me a bunch of stories about traveling in Europe (I have as well). Interesting – blue collar guy, but maybe more open minded than most. After a while I noticed that he had nice hands – I have a thing for that, and they’re often a good indicator of what’s downstairs.  I’m a sucker for that outgoing type, and he had nice hands and sweet brown eyes, and a nice lean bod from what I could tell. And he’s 34, holy shit, not in his twenties! I started thinking, “This guy is fucking hot!” So I guess I started vibing him, without really even meaning to. At one point he asked me to make him a cocktail of my choice. I made him an old fashioned – the original old fashioned without the fruit – and as he sipped it he looked me in the eyes  and said, “Not bad, not bad at all.” I gave him a saucy smile. One of our waitresses, Lori, came in and started talking to us – turns out he’s one of her regulars in the restaurant. So I finally started closing the bar, and as he was leaving he asked for my number. Right in front of her, lol! I gave it to him with no hesitation, and we made plans to do something on Friday night. Wow! Actual plans in advance! I hadn’t had that since Jason back in May, so that was pretty exciting. Apparently I should make no effort at my appearance more often! Later on, Lori told me not to go there: he has “webbed feet” and drinks a lot. Since I seem to exist solely for the thrill of making bad decisions, I decided I would chance it.

So on Friday KC called me (actually called me instead of texting, wow!)  and we made plans to meet at his place to have a drink and then go have some dinner. He asked me what I wanted to drink, so he could go and get it before I got there. Nice! So I get there, we have one drink and head out in a cab. (Unfortunately he has a recent DUI and isn’t driving at the moment. Great, definitely not a plus, especially since he lives on the other side of town.) Good time at dinner, then we headed next door to this dive bar and had a round. While we were there we started talking about past relationships. He ended a serious LTR two months ago. Apparently she was a nice girl who experimented with being a party girl with him, and then wanted to turn back into Miss Responsible. She wanted him to change, too, and he basically said, no, I like who I am and don’t know who you are anymore. So he broke it off. I told him about some of my LTR stuff. He’s really into music and goes to a lot of shows. I said that I was trying to get back into doing that. He said, “Well you might have just met the right guy.”

We decided to go meet up with his friend at a bar where some rockabilly band was playing.The cover was unexpectedly high, but he paid for both of us, and we went in and had a couple of beers. After the band we played a game of pool, even though I warned him that I am absolutely horrible. During the game he looked at me, leaned over and said, “You’re so goddamn cute!” and kissed me. I went with it, because I thought he was pretty goddamn cute, too. Not the best kisser, but not bad – I like nice full lips, and he was quite enthusiastic.

We went back to his place and had a drink and some more conversation. His friend came over, we all watched TV, he made some mac and cheese. He intermittently pulled me into the kitchen to kiss me. Not afraid of PDA, I like it! He wanted me to stay but I said absolutely not. He walked me to my car, we kissed some more, told each other we had a great time and would like to meet up again. He just kept kissing me, saying “You’re not leaving yet.” I finally broke away, and drove home kind of excited about this new guy. He texted me the next night wanting me to come over, but I was at work until late.

He texted me on Monday night asking if I wanted some company at work. I said sure, and then we hung out at his place for a while. He again asked me to stay and I again said no. We made out on the couch for a while, and he did the whole, “You’re not leaving yet” thing again. He said, “It would be easier to let you go if you weren’t such an amazing kisser.” We kissed for a long time at my car after he walked me out. He told me he was “so confused” because he really liked me, and thought I was super sexy, but he had been ready to marry his ex six months earlier, before it all blew up. He’s confused? Oh fucking great! Been here before. I said, “Well why don’t we just take it slow,” and he agreed to that. He asked when I would be free to hang out again and I said maybe Friday (I was honestly crazy busy that week). He texted me Thursday night to hang out, but I was out with my friend C at an open bar event, we were hanging with some guys, and I had cabbed it, so I said no.

So we met up on Friday night at bar N after he had gone to some concert with a friend. He asked me if I wanted to go see Primus in a couple of weeks. I said  hell yes! We went to his place after the bar and hung out some more. We made plans to hang out on Sunday, which would be my first truly free day, where I didn’t have anything to do.  He asked me to stay again, and this time I agreed, especially since I was little tipsy. I logically knew that I should keep putting him off for sex, and so at first I did. He says, “What, do you think if we have sex I’m just never going to call you again?” I was like, “Well, I don’t know, it happens.”

But the truth is that I had already decided even before I left the house that tonight was the night – I was going to sleep with him. I really have no discipline where sex is concerned, and I was completely in lust with this guy. It had been over a year since I’d met a guy who I thought was this fucking sexy (John), and before that it was a guy I knew before I met my ex. So I don’t feel this way very often – I just couldn’t stop looking at him! Our first time was a little awkward because he had some whiskey dick going on. (Apparently the hands were deceptive – decidedly average-sized equipment, darn it.) The next day he made us breakfast, and then put on a movie. I asked, “Do you mind if I hang out for a while?” and he said no, that’s why he put the movie on, so we could lay around and cuddle. At one point I said, “Mmm, this is nice. I haven’t snuggled with anyone in a long time,” which was true.

After feeling his nice warm body behind me for two hours I was extremely horny, and so turned around and started kissing him. He was immediately hard. Ok, now we’re talking! I was so turned on I wanted to do it right there on the couch, but then he mentioned his roommate might walk in. Drat! So I dragged him into the bedroom, ripped off my clothes, and pulled him on top of me. As soon as he entered me it felt incredible and I started to climb toward orgasm almost immediately. I told him to fuck me hard, but then he kind of stopped because he was getting close. So I told him to go slow and just kind of worked him – this is what normally works for me anyway. I could tell he was about to pop, which sent me over the edge, too, and we came together. Wow, that doesn’t usually happen! In other words, fantastic sex.

I had to go to work, and while I got dressed he went and laid on the couch with his sunglasses on. Um, ok. I was about to walk out the door, and he didn’t get up to walk me out, or kiss me or hug me or anything. Hmm, that’s a little disconcerting. Even my fuck buddy always gives me a nice sendoff. I walked over and kissed him and said, “Ok, so…Sunday?” He just kind of went, oh, sure yeah whatever. Alrighty. I left, feeling a little like a whore.

So on Sunday I didn’t hear from him all day. Ok, great. At around 4 pm I texted him, “So…did you still want to hang out today?” About an hour later he texted back yes. I worked out, showered, yada yada, then headed over there, feeling out of sorts. Something had changed, I could feel it. Dammit, I told him having sex would be a bad idea! Why can’t I follow through on these things? I decided before I got there that I wasn’t going to kiss him, touch him, anything, just to see what he would do. Sure enough, I was there for two hours and he didn’t touch me, didn’t compliment me, nothing – it was like I was just a buddy or something. After a while he was like, “Are you mad or something?” I said, “Well I was kind of wondering if you were ever going to touch me.” He’s like, “That’s what you’re pissed about? That I didn’t jump on you immediately? If we started all that when you first got here I’d just pass out and not be able to hang out with you.” Exasperated, I told him that that wasn’t what I was talking about – I didn’t want to jump into bed right away either, but a little affection would be nice, that I felt like he didn’t even really want me there. He’s like, “I’m a guy, if I didn’t want you here you wouldn’t be here.” Then he tried to kiss my neck, and I told him, sorry, pity cuddling is not valid!

I told him that I had felt a weird vibe when I left the day before, and so I was already feeling a little sensitive. He admitted that he had felt weird that afternoon: He said, “You just seemed like you had ‘looking for a boyfriend’ written all over you. You were giving me the googly eyes.” Are you fucking kidding me?! I was like, “Well I tend to get affectionate after I have sex with someone, excuse the hell out of me!” I tried to explain that I wasn’t looking for a serious boyfriend immediately, but that I didn’t want to be just a fuck buddy, either. And if If he was just looking for a fuck buddy, why did he take me out on a date, and ask me to an event several weeks away? When I have fuck buddies we have very specific boundaries. He responded that he didn’t really expect anything when he asks someone out, just wanted to see where it went. I said, well yeah, but: “I assume when a guy asks me out that he’s at least open to the possibility of it going somewhere.” He says, “Oh. I’m sorry if I was confusing.” We kind of worked it out, but I was still feeling out of sorts.

After a while we started making out on the couch. Things were just starting to get heated when he stops and says, “Time for a smoke break.” WTF!!! I said that I was just going to go home. He was completely mystified by why I was pissed! Really? Your cigarette is more important to you than my pussy?! I tried to explain this to him, and he called me “needy.” This did not go over well with me, but he’s like, “It’s ok, I know that about you now.” He started begging me to stay. I was really angry, but I didn’t want to leave, either. Completely at a loss as to what to do, I went out on the patio and started smoking. He’s like, “Are you really upset about this? I don’t get it. I don’t want you to go, what can I do?” I said, “Make me a fucking drink, and I’ll think about staying,” in my haughtiest imperious bitch voice. He brings me my drink and says, “You’re being kind of awesome right now.” He was serious. What the hell is wrong with this guy?! We kind of went back and forth about why I was pissed off, he started trying to make out with me again. I realized that there was no way I could get back into it, so I left.

We sent each other a few texts that night and the next day that made it quite clear we were not getting through to one another. One of his said, “I don’t know if I can do your kind of crazy.” After that I figured it was over and done with, but I sent him a couple more messages trying to explain myself and my expectations, just trying to salvage my pride somehow. He actually texted me back a few hours later when I was at work: “Haha, you may not be completely crazy but certainly a little…but aren’t we all?” I texted him back a George Carlin quote about how women are crazy because men are stupid.

After a while these two guys came into the bar and one of them, Sergio, started hitting on me. Hard. KC texted me, asking if the bar was “raging.” I said, “Totally raging. There’s two Mexican dudes chatting me up. One of them just invited me up to his room, lol!” Which was true. I didn’t say it to get him to come up there, but I did want to see what would happen. Sure enough, he walks in the door ten minutes later. I said, “Hi sweetie!” really loud with eyebrows raised – I wanted to tell him he needed to be my pretend boyfriend for a bit. But I didn’t get a chance, he just started talking to Sergio. I was turned away doing something and I heard Sergio ask KC if we were together and KC said no. Oh gee, thanks. The two of them actually made plans to go out together on Thursday night! I could tell KC had been drinking (he’d been out with friends), but really? Sergio tried to get me to go with them, but I said a boys’ night was a better idea.

After a while Sergio and his friend left and it was just the two of us. He said something, I don’t even remember what, and my response was, “I don’t play those kinds of little games.” He said that he liked that about me, that I was real. But he also said, “I don’t know what to make of you, Jen.” I asked him what he meant by this and he couldn’t really explain, so I said, “Well then I don’t know what to tell you.” At one point he hooked a finger into the neck of my top and pulled me over the bar to kiss him. After I was done closing the bar we went back to his place. We were in the middle of fooling around, and he told me that he really liked hanging out with me, that I was so much fun. He kept mentioning how amazing our impromptu afternoon sex had been the week before. He also said that he loved how horny I am. I said, “So do you just want to fuck, then?” At first he said yes. I felt my heart drop. But then he said that he still wanted to hang out and go to dinner and stuff like that. Huh? I said, “KC, when I have a fuck buddy, I go to his house, we have sex, I leave. That’s it. There is nothing else.” He said, “Oh, well we’ve got a lot more going on than that.” Ya think?! He said that he was freaked out because his last relationship had started this way – they lived in the same building, started hanging out and screwing; she “came on way too strong” but after two years (!) he fell in love with her, and they were together for three more years. We talked it about it all a little bit more and then agreed that it was good to be on the same page.

We got in the shower to  cure his whiskey dick (again) – I never knew about this particular solution, but it worked. He told me how much he loved all the little noises I make. I’ve been told this before. I don’t do it on purpose, but I certainly don’t hold back – they all like it. He put me up on the sink and fucked the hell out me. Then he’s like, “We haven’t fucked on the floor yet, let’s do that.” Christ, my back was sore for the next two days! After we were done we watched TV for a while – he is a serious night owl – and didn’t go to sleep until like 6 in the morning.

After a few hours of sleep we went and got some takeout and watched a little TV. I had a bunch of stuff to do that day and then I was going to trivia so I left. He did his standoffish thing again. Aargh! So we have this great night, where it seems like we’ve worked things out, and he’s still being weird? $%^&&*!! I felt like I knew what was going on – “he really likes me but he’s fighting it.” But after that everything changed. I texted him a few times over the next couple of days, and he always texted back, but didn’t ask me to hang out again. Friday night I went out with my friends, since he and I hadn’t made plans. Of course once I was tipsy I started texting him from the bar. (I swear, some engineer should create an app that locks down certain numbers when you’re drunk. They’d make billions.)

I finally just asked him if I could come over, and he’s like, “Sure why not.” A ringing endorsement if I’ve ever heard one, but I was pretty drunk, and you know how that goes. We hung out on the couch for a while, and started looking at buying tickets for Primus. All of a sudden he says, “You realize I’m not paying for your ticket.” I felt pretty fucking stupid. I just kind of waved it off and was like, “Well never mind then, I can’t afford it.” After a while we did our thing, both too drunk to cum, and then passed out.

The next day when we were waking up he kept talking about how hungry he was and what were we going to eat? I was still hungover as shit and wasn’t hungry, so I just kept snuggling. I was, however, very horny, and so I started shit up again. Ooh it was good! After we finished he’s like “Now are you hungry?” But I still felt lame about the way everything the night before had happened, and didn’t feel like going through his standoffish routine again, so I just said I needed to go so I could get to work. I got dressed, he went and laid on the couch, per the usual. I didn’t kiss him as I was leaving, just smiled at him and said, “You’re weird.”

When I got to my car I did not feel happy. I wasn’t sure what to do. I wanted to talk to him about everything, so I ended up calling him and asking him if he wanted to hang out on Sunday. He’s like, “…Aaah, sure, but I can’t stay up late I have to be at work at like 5 in the morning.” I said that was cool because I needed to get up that day, too. I went to work feeling pretty depressed. I texted him once about something cool that happened, no response. Dickhead. When I woke up Sunday I didn’t even feel like seeing him – the confusion and rejection was just getting to be too much. But I felt like we still needed to talk. I ended up sending, “Movie later? If not that’s cool, just let me know.” An hour later he sent back that he was super hungover at a friend’s house and that he was going to watch the game there and then go home and die. I told him to have fun with that.

On Monday I was super bored at work, and sent him one funny text about how dead it was. No reply. He drinks scotch, and our selection at the bar is pretty lame. Today we got a bottle of Macallan 18, which we hadn’t had before, so I let him know. No reply. Fucking douchebag.

I am so sick of this bullshit! I saw my therapist yesterday, and told her the story, which is  a repeat of just about every interaction I’ve ever had with a guy that I like. She told me that I’m not feminine enough in my behavior. She said, “Why were you so forthcoming with him?” I said, “Because you told me to be!” which is true. Earlier this year she was telling me I needed to be “more transparent” with men in regards to my expectations, now she’s telling me that I’m too “direct” and it makes me seem like a buddy. AAAAA! So what the fuck am I supposed to do? I try it one way, I try it another way, it always ends up the same – the guy who supposedly likes me so much disappears. Jesus christ, I’m almost 40, and I still suck at this?! What the hell is wrong with me?! Apparently I don’t know how to be a woman. That is a depressing thought, since I don’t know how to be anyone but me.

I Heart English Boys!

The Green-Eyed Monster Rears Its Ugly Head

Well I did mostly follow through on my good intentions of last week. I got up at around 9 am every day and worked on my class nonstop. I did end up buying a pack of cigarettes, but I managed to cut way back on how many I was smoking per day. I didn’t go out until last Sunday, to the Adams Avenue Street Fair. As usual, I ended up taking forever to get out of the house, so I didn’t get there until almost 5 pm (the fair ended at 7). But I still managed to discover a band I liked (Neveready) and see Mojo Nixon. I went cheap on the food – a slice of cheese pizza – and bought a couple of beers. It’s a street fair, how can you not drink some beer?

So after everything was over I headed to bar OS. I ran into this guy P who C and I had met at her neighbor’s party a few weeks ago. He was with a friend who was semi-cute, who I will call J. I hung with them for a while, and at one point J mentioned his girlfriend. Well there goes that possibility. After a bit C came and joined us. It turned out that P was into her. Of course he is, just like every other fucking guy in the universe. I’m not interested in him, but still! This is getting really annoying. I’m a damn good-looking woman, and when I’m out by myself I have no problem getting guys. If I’m out with her, I’m lucky if I end up with the not-cute friend. I just don’t get it. I know that she’s a skinny blond chick, but I honestly think I’m just as pretty as she is, just in a very different way. Does every guy on the planet really just want a blond? That’s a depressing thought. The whole thing makes me feel like I’m back in high school, jealous of all the “pretty” girls. Yuck. I need to just get over it, but this a very old and very deep wound.

Anyway, we all kept drinking and then headed to a bar down the way. By this point we were all pretty loaded. We played 80s music on the jukebox and the boys started dancing with us, twirling us around and all that. It was fun. At some point J says, “So, you wanna make out or something? God, those lips…” I was like, “Um, don’t you have a girlfriend?” At this point P somehow stepped in and said, “Well, he sort of does…” I told him that that was a line I would not cross, sorry. After a while I started thinking I should have just done it, but whatever.

We all walked back to C’s house, arm in arm with the guys. I don’t even remember what J and I talked about.  We got back to the house and all lounged on the sofa, me with my legs up in J’s lap and C cuddled up with P. She’s not into him, and to me letting him do that is leading him on, but hey it’s her life. She let me make the call as to how to handle the sleeping situation, and I told her I’d rather just sleep in her bed with her. We weren’t into them, so why would we do anything else?

Boys in Bands

The next night (Oct. 1) was the Wombats show at House of Blues. I had already bought my ticket the week before and was sooo excited – I hadn’t been to a proper concert in ages, and they’re my new favorite band. C went with me, and we caught the last few songs of the opening act. They were good, and several of them were pretty cute. The Wombats were awesome! We were standing up in the bar area during the show, and after a while noticed that the opening act was hanging out at the end of the bar. So we kind of moseyed to their side of the room, but then noticed they were hanging with some girls. After a while they walked past us to leave and the bassist almost bumped into me. He said, “Hi! How are you?” I said, “Good, how are you?” and he said, “Good, how are you?” I just kind of went, “Ah…” and he sort of laughed and they moved on.

After the show ended we went outside. The openers were out there taking pictures with fans (girls, of course). Without even talking about it, C and I both decided to park it right there for a while to see what would happen. This guy from my old job (who C still works with) randomly walked up and started talking to us. Right after he left the guitarist from the band happened to look over at me right as I was looking his way, and said in his cute English accent, “So, what’s going on tonight?” Very casually, we told them we were planning to just walk around and see what was up. Then I remembered, “Well there’s always Star bar…” They asked if we minded if they hung out with us. Of course we did not mind at all, this was exactly what we had hoped would happen, heehee! Eventually The Wombats and the sound guy and some other people showed up too, about a dozen in all. You’re welcome, Star!

On the way over to the bar I was talking to the keyboardist (very cute). We got to the bar and both C and I were talking to the bassist (also very cute.) We were all sort of mingling and after a while I ended up talking to the bassist and she ended up chatting with the guitarist (IMO also very cute). She and I were talking about how we should divvy these guys up and I said I’d be happy either way. She said she wanted to switch, and I said ok. But somehow she ended up talking with the bassist and I ended up talking to… no one. Sigh. I was a bit buzzed by this point, and started to get pretty bummed out. I guess I was drunk enough that I said something about it, because then C told me that the bassist told her that the guitarist liked me. Oh, you mean the guitarist who’s been outside chatting with the same girl for at least half an hour? Yes he is so obviously into me. But sure enough, he came over to chat with me a few minutes later. I felt pretty stupid – what, was this a pity flirt or something? Just shoot me now. But we were hanging with English rock stars, I wasn’t about to just end the night. (Full disclosure: I’ve had a thing for British accents for as long as I can remember. Not Spanish, not French, not Southern, not New York. But English, Scottish, and Irish all make me weak in the knees. I have seriously considered moving there for this reason. Really.)

It was getting close to closing time, and the guys wanted to go to the beach. We walked over to 7-11 to get some beer, and I just walked out in front the whole way – I was still feeling annoyed and idiotic. This particular 7-11 stopped selling booze at 10 pm (WTF!) and it was already 1:45. The beach is kind of pointless without beer, so we decided to go back to C’s house, since she always has a full bar. Her car was at my place and we had cabbed it downtown, so we had to cab it back to my place first. I was still feeling stupid and left out and so I immediately grabbed shotgun in the cab. On the way there I explained that I needed to go inside so I could take out my contacts, and the guitarist says, “You wear glasses?” I said yes, and I could hear him say to himself  “Mmm I like glasses…” When we got to my place we all went inside for a minute, and he kept complimenting me on my apartment. Aww cute.

So C and the bassist went in her car, and I went in my car with the guitarist. We chatted the whole time, I don’t even remember about what. I started to REALLY think he was cute. We got to her place and all had a few cocktails and some fun conversation, subtly paired off the whole time. They showed us pictures of shows they’d played – turns out they’re actually really famous in England. Yes! We are partying with hot English rock stars! I don’t know what it is about boys in bands, but damn, they’re just hot.

We made some pizza and ate a bit of leftover cake. After a while she and the bassist took off to her room. The guitarist and I hung out in the kitchen talking and nibbling on the cake. It had pieces of fruit on it, and we ended up feeding the fruit to one another. It didn’t take too much of that before he said, “Maybe we should move into the other room.” I reached up (he’s pretty tall) and kissed him. MMM, nice! I said, “Thank god you’re a good kisser!” and he replied, “You’re not so shabby yourself.”

He went and sat on the sofa and I climbed up and straddled his lap. We kissed for a while, and he kept mumbling things like “Mmm, yes” and “oh god” in the most gratifying sort of way. Then he pulled down the front of my top and my bra and started nibbling on my breasts. By this point it had been a month since I’d gotten any, so all of this felt completely amazing. My clothes got taken off, his shirt came off, he asked me what I wanted. I told him to get on top of me. I laid down on the sofa and he kind of kneeled over me and unzipped. I reached in and felt what was on offer, and said…”Oh my! What is it with you skinny boys?” He just kind of laughed and said, “Yeah, I don’t know.” It was nice and thick, but not pornstar huge: perfect, in other words. Without even being asked he whipped out a condom, good boy! The sex itself felt really damn good, too. Well, this was turning out to be a great night after all.

We both felt kind of weird about being exposed in the middle of the living room and so got dressed immediately after we finished. I said, “Well I think that deserves a cigarette!” He agreed, and we went outside. We stood on the back stoop, arm in arm, and he showed me some constellations. It was very very cute. We came back inside and all I wanted to do was cuddle on the couch. But he immediately started being like, “Oh shit, I’ve got to wake up my friend, we have a radio interview at 9 in the morning.” It was like 4:30 or something. I was thinking, “Well why not just sleep here for a few hours?” and so I felt kind of rejected.

He called a cab and went and knocked on the C’s door to wake up his friend. He stood behind the couch, and then kind of slumped over the back of it. His shirt came up and I started rubbing his belly. He’s like, “Yeah, sorry, I know I’m pretty furry.” I said, “Well it’s all on the front so that’s ok, actually I really like it,” which is true. Then he started mumbling about how he really just wanted to stay and have a snuggle, that “yes that would be quite nice…” but that he couldn’t. That made me feel a bit better, because that’s what I wanted to do sooo bad. At some point the subject of age came up, and I said, “You don’t want to know” but of course I told him and he was appropriately shocked because I look so young, yada yada. He’s 26. What is it with the 26 year olds? It’s like my magic number or something. As he was about to walk out the door he said something about not having my number. Really, you want to play this game? I hadn’t expected to exchange numbers – what would be the point, after all – and so I just kind of went, “Uh…” And then he said, “Oh well my friend has your friend’s number, so we can get in touch that way.” Yeah, sure you will. He leaned over and gave me a kiss, and kind of groaned, “Damn…”

After they left C came out and was showing me videos of their band and pictures they had taken with Jay Leno, and just generally pointing out that holy crap, they’re famous! I’ve always liked boys in bands, but she’s REALLY into it. She told me that her hookup wasn’t any good in bed and was a terrible kisser to boot. HAHAHAHA! I felt kind of bad for her, but was very glad that I had ended up getting the better deal because she had wanted to switch. It was like I finally had some small victory. I still smirk when I think about it. Which I do shamefully often, I’ll admit. The bassist had invited us to come to their show in Santa Ana the next night, and we thought about it. He and C texted a few times the next day, but the invitation wasn’t repeated and so we decided not to go.

I have to say that that was the most fun I’ve had in a long time. I keep thinking about it, like I’m some little high school girl or something. I’ve looked up the band a few times, and even left a comment on their FB page: “It was really great to meet you guys!” Pathetic I suppose, but I couldn’t resist!

I Gone and Done it…

I am caught between sweet hope, and a terrible fear that I am about to get my heart broken again. Wednesday night I got a text from Jacob wanting to meet up. Of course I said yes, and I already knew what was going to happen. We met up at El Camino for some live jazz. He was being his cute and flirty self – he got me to come up and dance with him for a minute, gave me a kiss on the shoulder when he got up to go the bathroom, introduced me to a friend of his. He told me all about his crazy trip to SF, we laughed a lot, and generally had a good time. The show ended around midnight, and we sat outside on a bench talking. He told me for the nth time how great he thinks I am, and that I was so much fun. He said, “You’re so beautiful, when you walk into a room every guy looks at you.” I told him that I was finally starting to get that, and he was just like, “It’s true!” He told me he hadn’t expected me to get up and dance with him, that he was very pleasantly surprised. My instincts were right on that one – I knew that he would like it, that it would be a mistake for me to act all shy. And besides, when it comes to dancing, I’m not shy anyway. He told me how much he liked hanging out with me, that although the sex was awesome, he really loved just talking to me.

We decided to go to another bar, but we went to his place first so he could drop off his bike. He told me he really wanted to take me out on it, but he only had one helmet at the moment. He was like, “I really want to put you on the back of my bike with me. It would be scary…” and I said, “Yeah, but I want to do it anyway,” which is true. As soon as I saw that damn bike I could picture him taking me for a ride, lol. He picked me a flower from his balcony garden, making sure that I knew that it was the most perfect flower he had. There were fig trees in the courtyard and he pulled some figs down so we could eat them. He took a couple hits of weed. At one point he said, “Have you lost weight?” and I said, yes, 12 pounds. He’s like, “I mean, I always thought you were hot, but now…just keep doing what you’re doing.” He said that he had lost weight, too, and at first I was thinking, “Whoa…” because he’s already a skinny fucker. But then he lifted up his shirt, and holy crap he actually has a few muscles now! No complaints from this gal.

We start walking to the bar, and he grabs my hand. Sigh, that’s kind of nice. I had never been to this bar, and he kept going on and on about how it was a tranny bar and I needed to be prepared and yada yada. I just rolled my eyes – I was an art major in college, I’ve spent my fair share of time in gay bars, and yes, around (gasp!) trannies. The bar was fine – it was Wednesday so pretty empty, with just a few gay couples and a couple of “girls.” His friend Chris (whom I had met at bar N before) and his wife were there. It was kind of cool, because we all just started talking to one another, we didn’t really stay “coupled up.” At one point I found myself outside smoking with Chris, and I said, “God, he thinks I’m some kind of Pollyanna or something, ” and Chris said, “Yeah he kind of does.” At one point the boys went to the bathroom or something and were gone a really long time – I assume there were drugs or the sale of same involved, but whatever. Chris’ wife asked how I had met Jacob, and so I ended up telling her the whole sordid  tale. She took the attitude that I might as well get what I want from him, so why keep denying the sex? I had had this thought myself, and I suppose that was all the reinforcement I needed.

We had decided to go to my place after the bar since he didn’t have any booze, so we walked back to get my car. He held my hand the whole way. He picked a little jasmine flower and I put it behind my ear. We started talking about “us,” and he said that he was starting to get it about the whole making plans thing, that he would give me more notice. I tried to explain that it wasn’t about giving notice, it was about him constantly cancelling on me. Still not sure if he got that, he said he wasn’t used to someone so “strict.” Good grief. I tried to explain that when I feel insecure because I don’t know where I stand with someone, yeah, it makes me a little crazy; if I feel loved and secure I can be the most laid-back person in the world. He said that he wanted to start hanging out with me a lot more, and I said that would be great.

We picked up my car, and on the drive back over to my place he said something about how he was worried because he knew I dated all these other guys, and wasn’t I seeing someone? WTF? I had to convince him that no, I wasn’t seeing anyone at all – I don’t know where in the hell he got that idea! He told me that one of his fondest memories was of the night we met, sitting on metal chairs on my patio, talking about art. Really?? When we were getting out of the car somehow we ended up kissing (yup, here we go) and he paused and said, “Mmm, that was a nice kiss. You’re a better kisser than I am.”

Once we got inside he insisted on making us gimlets – a drink I had introduced him to. We went outside and sat on those same metal chairs and argued about art for a while, and I started to get pretty drunk. At one point we ended up just standing in the kitchen talking. He was pretty fucked up, and tried to tell me that we had met online. Then he tried to say that he was in his Mr. A’s uniform when we met. Umm, no, and no. I was admittedly pretty toasted the night we met, but I remember the important details. I got really upset and walked out onto the front porch, slamming the door behind me. He came out after me, and I don’t even remember what he said to calm me down. He told me that I had to stop beating him up for things that had happened in the past, that it made him feel like I didn’t like him. I told him that I wasn’t trying to beat him up, that I like him very much, but that I didn’t trust him – he would have to earn that.

Back into the kitchen. God he said so many things to me that gave me deja vu: he wanted us to get dressed up and go out. He told me how nice it felt just walking down the street holding my hand. That he was proud to be with me. A couple of things he said actually shocked me: he said he wanted to “date” me, that he wanted us to get to know each other better. At one point he burst out, “You know I’m so in love with you, I’m SO in love with you.” Whaaat?? I don’t even remember what I said in response to this, if anything. I’m still extremely confused by it. I mean, would he really go that far just to get me to sleep with him? Christ I hope not. But if it’s true…well you could have fooled me, asshole! Did he mean it in a “friend” sort of way? I don’t know, but damn him for giving me a flicker of hope!!

At one point he had said he just wanted to curl up in bed with me. Yeah right. When it became apparent that I was willing to go further than that, he asked if he could undress me. Why of course. The sex was good, although not as volcanic as when we had hooked up before. He’s actually pretty good with his fingers, which most guys aren’t. We did it once that night (around 4 am), once again at around 8, and then finally again at around 11. After the first time I couldn’t sleep. I just lay there thinking everything over, and kind of freaking out about the fact that he was in my bed. Again. After everything that had happened. Was this a huge mistake? Was he being sincere?

In the AM he kept asking me for glasses of water, which was kind of annoying – uh, shouldn’t you be getting water for me, you little selfish bastard? I had to get up to go teach my class, and god I was so hungover. I told him he could hang out for a while if he wanted to, I would leave the key so he could lock the door. He just muttered, “Mmm, so comfortable.” No kiss, no nothing. Hmm. On the drive up to school, I couldn’t stop the flashbacks of us having sex, and it kept giving me chills. I sent him a sexy text about it. Never got a response. Ok, now I feel like an idiot.

To be continued…

Another Weird and Wacky Weekend

Friday night: 40-year old men, and I learn something new about my sexual preferences.

On Friday night I went out by myself to bar WS. Out on the smoking patio, I saw this guy down the way literally do a double-take when he saw me. He wasn’t especially good-looking, but that kind of thing is always gratifying. He made his way over to talk to me. I give him props for that, it takes balls. Unfortunately, the up-close view was even worse: he looked kind of like Skeletor, you know with the gaunt cheekbones and all that. He told me he was 40 – he looked older. We chatted for a bit and then I escaped back into the bar. A few minutes later I was in line to get a drink and this other guy comes up to me. He said that his friend (Skeletor) was very attracted to me, and… I said, “I’m sorry, I’m not interested” in the kindest tone of voice I could use. He said, “Oh it’s like that. Sorry to bother you.” I said, “It’s ok, I understand,” with a smile. I thought that was the end of it, but then a little while later I saw Skeletor waving at me from across the bar. Really, did your friend not give you the message? I decided it was time to leave, so I ended up at bar N.

There was another regular there, this guy Nick. Not my usual type, but a very handsome face. We started talking, and it turns out he’s 40. Weird. In his case he doesn’t look it – I would have guessed him 30 at most. This was kind of exciting – a possible dating prospect! I must have been way drunker than I realized, because we ended up making out in the middle of the bar. Great, can’t go back to bar N for a while.

We went back to his place and chatted for a while, then started making out. He’s a decent kisser, and it was nice to be with someone a lot bigger and more manly for a change. We got naked and went up to the bedroom. I don’t remember a whole lot after that, but I do remember noticing that he had a vanishingly small penis. I’m not kidding, I could barely see the poor little thing. At one point he got up to go to the bathroom or something, and I realized: “Oh shit, he’s a fatty!” Long normal-looking legs, but totally a tubby belly. I was immediately and completely turned off.

The next morning he was trying to cuddle me, and I kept scooting away, acting like I was still asleep. I just COULD NOT go there. I think I was still a little drunk, but the only thought in my mind was I’ve got to get the hell out of here! He said something about getting my number, but I somehow wiggled out of it. I know I hurt his feelings, and I felt really really bad. I still do. He seemed like a really nice guy, and we were having a fun conversation, and he had such a handsome face. I’m kind of surprised at myself, that I had such a visceral reaction to his body. I feel so shallow and awful, and it’s not like I have a perfect body, but I honestly could not control my reaction. Mostly I feel bad that I might have hurt him. That is not at all what I’m about. It also bothers me because I’ve never been especially slim myself – for years I was a solid size 10 (most of it on the bottom half), and I’ve lost weight enough over the last few months to put me in an 8 (and I’m only 5’4″). I’m not chunky, but I’m never going to be a bikini model, either. So on top of the general guilt, I also feel like something of a hypocrite.

Despite my shame about this whole sordid situation, I do feel a certain level of intellectual curiosity about my own reaction: So apparently I can get down with super skinny dudes no problem, but I CANNOT go in the other direction. Good to know, but when did this happen exactly? It’s not like he’s obese, and I’ve been with slightly chunky guys before. My ex was kind of stocky, and I admit that there was a period in our relationship where I was getting a little turned off because he was gaining weight. There were times when certain things about Jason and Jacob’s skinniness kind of bothered me, too. But neither of those reactions was to this extent, not even close. It was almost a panic sort of feeling. That is deeply weird to me.

Saturday Night: The two J’s strike again.

Saturday I had planned to go dancing, since I didn’t work out all day. But I heard from L and decided to hang out with her – I just wasn’t feeling up to the lone wolf thing that night. We went to bar IH, and as I predicted, she loved it! I was in a super good mood for some reason (vodka is usually a happy drunk for me) and having a great time. I also felt like I looked extra cute. I was wearing go-to outfit #2: black pencil skirt, black and white striped top, and flats – I always feel like I should be in the movie Grease when I wear it, and somehow it suits me. We were hanging out at the bar talking about guys (big surprise!) and generally having a good time.

Then at one point I looked over into the “party” room where the Mr. A’s people always hang out and saw a skinny guy rubbing the back of his head. Crap. That is one of Jacob’s constant gestures. I could only see him from the back, though, so I wasn’t 100% sure that it was him. So I texted him “Are you at IH right now?” He sends back, “Yes. With coworkers.” I was going to text back, “Um, duh, I can see that,” but L wouldn’t let me.

Around midnight we went outside to smoke, and Justin texted me: “What ya doin?” I told him and he says, “I’m just sitting at home.” I just said, “Ok.” Like I’m going to ditch my friend and drive 25 minutes just to fuck him!

We went back inside until the bar was closing, and Jacob never came by to say hello, big fucking surprise. I thought about going over to him, but I didn’t. He was the one with a big group of people – wouldn’t want to embarrass him or anything. :/

I used the bathroom before we left, and while I was in there I texted Justin – it was only 1:30, and L was pretty fucked up, so I was just going to drop her home.  I want to turn him into my new fuck buddy, especially since he actually likes to go down, unlike Nate – and I’m ready to get the show on the fucking road! He said that yes, he still wanted to hang out, and texted me the address.  A whole 15 minutes later I was dropping L off and he texts me that he’s really tired, can he take a rain check? Grrrr! I sighed, and told him I was off Tues and Wed night.

So I ended up hanging out with L for a couple of hours. At 2:19 am I got a text from Jacob: “Were you there?” You have got to be fucking kidding me! I said: duh. He says, “In a pretty dress! What are you doing now?” Good lord, these guys are killing me! I said, “So obviously you saw me, why are you playing coy?” I basically told him that obviously he knew I was at the bar, and so I thought it was rude that he didn’t come by and say hello. He replied that it was “intense coworker vent night” and that he didn’t want “classy” me involved with “sloppy” them. Whatever, he is so weird! He said he wanted to have a cocktail at my place (wow, willing to come to me, that’s a first) and talk art, that he missed it. I said that the only reason he wanted to talk to me all of a sudden was that he was drunk and horny. He said that he wasn’t and kept going on about art talk, so I said, “Ok. I call your bluff. Lunch tomorrow?” and he said yes, but “art talk tonight!” By this point it was four in the morning and I just wanted to go to sleep, so I told him no.

Sunday: Second verse, same as the first. This morning at 10 am I asked him where we were going for lunch. No response. Ok, maybe he’s still asleep, I ended up going back to sleep myself. I already knew he would break our lunch date, but at 1:00 I asked him if we were still on. An hour and a half later he said that he had gotten called in to work at 4:30. Of course! I am getting extremely frustrated by all these missed connections! Between him and Justin, it’s getting a little ridiculous. I was going to send him a snarky reply when I got to work, but I changed my mind and simply said: “I miss talking with you as well. 🙂 My schedule is pretty open this week if you still want a convo.” He sent back “Yes!” so I gave him my schedule. I am very interested to see if he actually tries to meet up this week. I doubt it, but you just never know with him.

Last night when I got home from work I decided to check up on his FB page. Oh, guess what – “Jacob attended a pool party” on Sunday. (Strangely, I had thought about attending this very event myself). Now, it is possible that he really did get called in to work, since the pool party started at 1:00. That doesn’t change the fact that he lied to me. Again. I’m so tempted to text him about it, but I’m not going to – I don’t want to start a text war. If and when we actually meet up, though, I WILL call him on it. I suppose I should just cut him off, but the truth is that I don’t want to. It’s something I’ve only done once in my life: to my very first boyfriend Brian, who Jacob is so much like. You’d think that that would tell me something, lol! But I guess I am just one stubborn, stupid bitch.

More Men than I Can Keep Track of…

Thursday 8/10 – Sunday 8/19: Justin.    Well it has been a whirlwind for the past week or so! To backtrack just a bit, the night before I met James at bar WS I met this other guy Justin – he was one of my customers at the bar. I opened at 4:00 and he came in about a half hour later. My heart was immediately fluttering – curly brown hair, cute face, cute glasses – have I mentioned I’m a total sucker for glasses? He was the only one in the bar, and we chatted for quite some time. Turns out we have a  lot in common – music, politics, art, etc. Hes’ a DJ, but he also works for the feds doing shipbuilding work and is in town for about 3 months. Oh reeeaally? I couldn’t stop myself from grinning at him (this is my version of flirting – I’m really bad at flirting), and I kind of thought maybe he was flirting with me, too – there was an awful lot of smiling going on between the two of us. He asked when I worked again, and I told him Sunday night. He left after about an hour, and I went and told Dawn, “My new boyfriend was just in the bar.” She’s like “Is he still there?!” Girl cracks me up.

So then Friday night I met James, and Saturday was work, bars IH and N, already posted about all that. So Sunday there were a bunch of contractors in the bar – they’re also in town to work on the ships. We were all watching the closing ceremonies of the Olympics, and Justin came in. I’m sure I lit up like a Christmas tree. I basically ended up standing on his side of the bar and chatting with him periodically while we were all watching TV. I went into the restaurant to get something, and told Dawn, “My new boyfriend’s in the bar.” So she and the other waitress Ann both follow me back over there and Dawn says, “You got a ho train followin’ you now, girl.” I just started cracking up.

At some point Justin asked my full name so he could FB me, so I wrote it on a little piece of paper. After a while he asked what time I was closing the bar, and I said any time after 11:00, it just depended on business. At the time I wasn’t sure if this was just an idle question, since he wasn’t being as flirty as before – I’m so ridiculously insecure and oblivious sometimes. Well, not an idle question. After a while, he’s like, “I’d love it if you could show me around San Diego sometime” and I said I’d love to. We went out to smoke together, and he asked what my plans for the evening were. I said that I hoped to be off early enough to go grab a drink, but there was just no telling if that would happen. He asked me if I had my phone with me so he could give me his number, and I said no it was inside. So we go back in and he writes down his number for me, and then he leaves after a bit. I couldn’t tell if the other customers were following all this or not, but I really didn’t care. I texted Dawn that my new boyfriend gave me his number, and she’s like, “Hell yes! He’s gorgeous, get it girl!”

Long story short, I got stuck at the bar until late. When I could tell that’s how it was going to be, I texted Justin and he was like, “Well I have drinks in my room if you want to do that.” I thought hard about this. On the one hand, he’s here for three months, why rush it? I should make him work a little harder, etc. On the other, lord he’s handsome! And I really like talking to him. I was still thinking 10 minutes later when he sent another text, that he was at the grocery store and what kind of liquor and mixer should he pick up? I texted back: “Vodka soda cranberry.” God I’m so easy, lol!

So I finally got off work at around 2:30 and went up to his room. We made our drinks and then he sat on one end of the little sofa and I sat on the other and we talked for a while. We had a really fun conversation, but he wasn’t really flirting with me – no compliments, for example, and at one point I wondered if he really did just want someone to hang out with while he’s in town. Ha! After a while, out of the blue he looks at me and says, “Can I kiss you?” I kind of went “Uh…sure.” Then he’s like, “That’s stupid that I would ask like that, I’m sorry,” but I was already leaning into him and so he kissed me. And didn’t stop. Mr. Non-Flirty was suddenly Mr. Horndog! We kept making out for a while, he tried to unbutton various items of clothing, I kept stopping him. At one point we were standing up kissing and he surprised me by picking me up. I instinctively wrapped my legs around him so I wouldn’t fall, and he walked us over to the bed. God, he held me like I weighed nothing! He lays me down on the bed and starts really getting into it, and I had to make several attempts at stopping him before he would cut it out. Every time I would try to leave I’d make the mistake of kissing him, and he’d start the whole process of trying to get me in the bed all over again. At one point I was sitting on the couch and he was on his knees in front of me, his head buried in my chest, and he says, “I want to eat your pussy so bad.” Oh. Jesus.

Through this whole thing, I was extremely turned on, but really annoyed at the same time. When I say stop I mean it! I wasn’t trying to be coy or tease him, it was just all going a little too fast for me. I told him that, and said, “You’ll be here for three months, we’ve got time. Besides, anticipation makes it that much better.” I FINALLY left at 3:30 in the morning, and at 4:00 he texted me “Hope you drove safe.”

Monday 8/13: James and Tim.  The next day I was doing laundry and James stopped by to say hello. Um, wow! This was borderline creepy I guess, but I thought it was sweet – clearly he was thinking about me, you know? I had been planning on texting him that day, but just hadn’t done it yet, so, weird. I told him I was super busy (which was true) but that we should definitely get together soon. Then the Westin called me to come in and interview on Tuesday for a job I had forgotten I applied for. Well damn, I am having a super start to my week! Went to work and had a brief text exchange with Justin, in which  I told him about the job interview.

A bunch of the contractors were in to have drinks and eat. Most of them left kind of early, but a few of them hung out for a while. One of them was named Tim, pretty good looking in an all-American sort of way. He also had an outgoing personality, and started in on some “I don’t think Jen likes me” kind of bullshit. This is what guys like him do when you don’t pay them any special attention. After a while it was just him and his friend, and this older guy from Texas who was hilarious. Tim starts getting a little buzzed, and starts flirting with me. He was helping me change up the music (I have to tiptoe) and he leans over and says, “You know I love the glasses and that sexy body.” He kept going on and on about how gorgeous I was and how great my ass was, and asking me to get in the hot tub with him. He was cute, but yeah right! It was kind of annoying, but I can’t deny that I enjoyed the attention. I also started thinking, “What the hell is going on here? First James, then Justin, now Tim, all wanting to get in my pants, and all in four days! Are my pheromones in overdrive or something?” He finally left at like 1:30 in the morning, thank god.

Tuesday 8/14: Interview at the Westin, Justin.   Justin had to work from 5pm to 5am, and at two in the morning he texted me good luck on my interview. Awww. (The interview went fine, still waiting to hear something). So Tuesday I went to work at the bar, and saw Justin eating in the restaurant. I poked him in the arm as I walked by and smiled at him. I knew he had to work the same crazy schedule that day, but there was still some time and I figured he’d pop into the bar and say hi but he didn’t. Huh, well that’s disappointing. After a bit I texted him about the shenanigans the night before (partially to let him know that yes, other people want me too). He sent back, “Lol. On my way to work…This sucks!” I thought that he meant that having to go to work sucked because he wanted to hang out with me, so I replied that yes it did suck. The other contractors came in the bar, and told me Tim had been getting shit all day – they all found out what happened. And apparently he has a fiancee! Somehow this does not surprise me. Men.

Wednesday 8/15: James.  So Wednesday was my birthday. I ran some errands, worked out, yada yada. L and C couldn’t go out that night, so we already had plans to celebrate on Thursday. But as the evening wore on I decided I wanted to do something after all. I texted James, and he enthusiastically said yes. He picked me up and we went to bar TC because it was close and I was starving. God he looked so handsome! When he stopped by on Monday he had on big sunglasses, and I had kind of forgotten how beautiful his face is. This was one of the best dates of my life. We both got some food, had some great conversation, after a while started to touch each other a bit. He told me that the morning after we had fooled around, he was lying next to me and he could still smell me and taste me, and it made him feel like “the fucking MAN.”  I could have taken that in a bad way, but I chose to take as he meant it – a compliment. It actually made me feel very sexy indeed. Around midnight we headed back over here. He sat down on the couch and told me to put my feet up, took off my shoes and started giving me a nice little foot rub. Mmmm! At one point we started talking about his living situation, and I asked if he had a roommate. He was like, “Well sort of…I’ll tell you about it later.” I told him that I thought it was weird he wouldn’t tell me, but the conversation moved on. At one point he said that he really wanted to see where things went with us, and I responded in kind.

After a while he says, “I have something to tell you but I don’t want to ruin your birthday.” I said, “Well you kind of have to tell me now.” He says, “You know how you were asking about my roommate? Well…It’s my wife.” I think at first I thought he was kidding. I sat up and said, “You’re fucking MARRIED?!!!” Turns out he had his ring on a fucking chain around his neck. He said they were “trying to work some things out.” So you’re in the process of divorcing? “No, not really.” I told him several times he should just get out, but he kept trying to explain himself, and not very well. He mostly just hemmed and hawed, and apologized for ruining my birthday, and didn’t explain shit. He finally left, and I stomped outside to have a smoke. I had left my door open while we were talking, and my neighbor Miles said, “I heard every word.” I said “Good!” Oh my god, I was so angry! And so disappointed! I had been having a really good time with him, and he’s gorgeous, and he’s fucking married?! But of course he is, god forbid I want someone I can actually have.

Thursday 8/16: L, C, Alex.  Thursday was my official birthday celebration. I had planned on dinner and then going out with L and C. C told me she was bringing Tylor. Um, I didn’t invite him and don’t really want him to come, but whatever. Sushi didn’t work out (rude server) so we ended up going to bar MP. Tylor was already drunk and kind of annoying everyone, including C. She told me that she was starting to see what everyone had warned her about. Well that’s great, C, thanks for bringing him along to fuck up my birthday even further. She didn’t even get me a present! She had gotten one for L, wtf? Tylor was really sweet to me, though, telling me that if I needed any kind of help financially to let him know. He was really wasted so C took him home early. L and I went to bar H. As usual, tons of men but not very many cute ones. There was one cute guy that I noticed playing pool, pretty much the best looking guy in the bar in my opinion. Wearing a plaid shirt, of course, lol. L and I went out to smoke and started talking to this guy who asked for a light. Pool-playing cutie comes barreling out of the door, and as he passes me waves and says, “Hi!” He went a ways down on the sidewalk and got on his phone, as I’m standing there thinking, “What the hell? Do I know that guy? Have I fucked him and don’t remember, lol?”

We went back inside and L went to the bathroom. While she was gone a very unattractive gentleman came over and started talking to me, but I managed to get rid of him pretty quickly. I’m telling you, I must be putting out some kind of signal these days, and I just don’t even know it! When she came back I told her about it and we commiserated about how it’s never the cute ones who make a move. Not 10 seconds later cutie pie comes over and starts talking to me. Wtf, LOL! He told me he was a civil engineering grad student up at Berkeley and was visiting his hometown because he had to put his dog to sleep. Oh jesus. He told me I had the most perfect lips and teeth and gorgeous smile he’s ever seen. We kept talking and I was looking for a moment to pause and introduce L, I felt like we were ignoring her. Then all of a sudden she was gone. I figured she stepped out for a smoke and so I kept talking to cutie, whose name is Alex. Slender, dark hair, gorgeous big blue eyes. When she didn’t come back after a while I went outside to look for her. Not there, so I texted her. No response, so I left a voicemail. I wasn’t too worried, I figured she had taken a taxi home or something, but I did feel really bad. I knew exactly why she left: I’ve been getting a lot of male attention lately and she hasn’t, and I know she’s upset about it. So then this cute guy comes over and starts talking to me and I start ignoring her…yeah I’d be pretty mad, too.

So Alex and I came back over here and started making out on the couch. He’s only 26 (weird, same age as Justin) and could not get over the fact that I’m 38 – he kept telling me how beautiful I am. Good kisser, but: he kept like grinding his forehead into mine – very weird, and very distracting. He gave me a nice long foot massage, though. He told me he hadn’t been with anyone in a long time, and I kind of believe it – he was a little bit awkward. For example, I had to tell him not to hold himself off me, that I wanted to feel his weight on top of me. He is also very hairy – I don’t mind chest hair, but please wax the shoulders and arms, boys!

We got in the bed to get down to business. Not a big dick, but rock-hard, that’s nice. I had told him I was on my period (dammit!) and he was disappointed because he likes to go down. Dammit! But after a while he put me in 69 and told me to put my pussy on his face. Well, ok. He buried his face in there and started licking my ass, too. That’s not a huge turn on for me, but it does feel good. He told me a few minutes later he’d never done that before. We started having sex and he immediately put my legs over his shoulders and leaned over me. Whoa, that’s a little much to start, so I made him put one of my legs down. Ah, there we go. We were using lube but things kind of dried out after a while anyway, god I fucking hate condoms! I didn’t feel like interrupting things to get more, though, so I just let him finish. A little ouchy, but whatever.

Woke up the next day and of course he’s already hard and starting things up again. I just couldn’t quite get into it, so I ended up giving him a blow job, for which he complimented me on my skills. Years of practice, kid! One nice thing about a guy not having a big dick – blow jobs are WAY easier.  He’s another one of these guys who I can’t tell when they’re about to come – I couldn’t tell the night before when he was fucking me, either. It’s kind of annoying, because that buildup (physical and vocal) is a real turn-on, and makes their climax that much more satisfying for me. Oh well. We laid there for a while snuggling and chatting. He was like, “Look at you, you look better than lot of girls my age!” I got up to go to the bathroom and he says, “Wow, look at that ass.” I have gotten this particular compliment many times, so later that afternoon I looked at that ass in the mirror. I have to say that I do NOT understand what guys are seeing, because I think my ass just looks flabby and gross. Bent over slightly, ok, I can see how my curves would look good, but just standing up or walking around, not so much.

Friday 8/17: Shan and James.   On Friday my friend Shan came to visit me. I was so excited, since I hadn’t seen her since January. We both agreed about the hotness of plaid shirts, although we can’t explain it, lol! We went out to dinner at Starlite, then to have a drink at IH. Shannon is very outgoing and a little nutty and we got into a bizarre conversation with these three guys. After that we went to go dance at bar WS. God it was hot as shit in there! Still fun, though. The next day she took me to drop off my rental car and then to the shop to pick up my car, and then she had to leave. When I got back from picking up my car there was a note in my mailbox. From James! He had written me a very nice apology. I read it over several times, not sure how to feel about it. Then I burst into tears. It just seemed so unfair that the only guy my age, who I’ve really felt a connection with, was married and I couldn’t have him. It was like all the craziness and disappointments and stress of the past few weeks kind of hit me and I just sat there crying, feeling like I was about to shatter into a million pieces.

I managed to pull myself together after a few minutes, and sent him a text: “Thank you for the apology.” I have felt surprisingly ok about everything for the past couple of days. At least I haven’t thought as much about dumbass Jacob. I kind of get the feeling like Justin has bugged out, which is disappointing, but we’ll see.