Haven’t written in a while. Partially because I’ve been super busy, partially because I haven’t felt up to it. The most recent lame ass events deserve to be preserved for posterity, however. So one of the reasons I wrote that last man-hating post was that I had met this guy Shawn, back in late October. He was cute, but he was also 26. We kept trying to hook up but our schedules never seemed to match and I was frustrated. We never did manage to make it work out. I didn’t hear from him for a while, and then I got a text from him last Sunday asking if I was working. I said, “No, I’m on a date.” Which I sort of was. So here’s that story:
On Wed. Nov. 28 I was at work at the bar. Super slow as usual. I hadn’t showered or fixed my hair and I had on no makeup, because fuck that place. I have a regular named Sam, and on this particular night he asked me out. Sam is a nice guy and he’s close to my age, but I am not attracted to him in the least – short teddy bear type, no thank you. He left me his number and I just smiled. Then my other regular Bill showed up. We were chatting for a long time and he mentioned that he had a friend he wanted to hook me up with. His friend is 51. Yikes! But the young ones aren’t working out, so I said ok, bring him by some time. While Bill was still there this guy came in. Work jacket, baseball cap, kinda cute. Very talkative and friendly type. He said that he used to come in the restaurant a lot with his ex girl, and at one point had tried a shot of this whiskey we have. He had really liked it and couldn’t remember what it was called, and so had stopped in to find out. After a while Bill left and it was just the two of us. I’ll call this fine young gentleman KC.
He told me a bunch of stories about traveling in Europe (I have as well). Interesting – blue collar guy, but maybe more open minded than most. After a while I noticed that he had nice hands – I have a thing for that, and they’re often a good indicator of what’s downstairs. I’m a sucker for that outgoing type, and he had nice hands and sweet brown eyes, and a nice lean bod from what I could tell. And he’s 34, holy shit, not in his twenties! I started thinking, “This guy is fucking hot!” So I guess I started vibing him, without really even meaning to. At one point he asked me to make him a cocktail of my choice. I made him an old fashioned – the original old fashioned without the fruit – and as he sipped it he looked me in the eyes and said, “Not bad, not bad at all.” I gave him a saucy smile. One of our waitresses, Lori, came in and started talking to us – turns out he’s one of her regulars in the restaurant. So I finally started closing the bar, and as he was leaving he asked for my number. Right in front of her, lol! I gave it to him with no hesitation, and we made plans to do something on Friday night. Wow! Actual plans in advance! I hadn’t had that since Jason back in May, so that was pretty exciting. Apparently I should make no effort at my appearance more often! Later on, Lori told me not to go there: he has “webbed feet” and drinks a lot. Since I seem to exist solely for the thrill of making bad decisions, I decided I would chance it.
So on Friday KC called me (actually called me instead of texting, wow!) and we made plans to meet at his place to have a drink and then go have some dinner. He asked me what I wanted to drink, so he could go and get it before I got there. Nice! So I get there, we have one drink and head out in a cab. (Unfortunately he has a recent DUI and isn’t driving at the moment. Great, definitely not a plus, especially since he lives on the other side of town.) Good time at dinner, then we headed next door to this dive bar and had a round. While we were there we started talking about past relationships. He ended a serious LTR two months ago. Apparently she was a nice girl who experimented with being a party girl with him, and then wanted to turn back into Miss Responsible. She wanted him to change, too, and he basically said, no, I like who I am and don’t know who you are anymore. So he broke it off. I told him about some of my LTR stuff. He’s really into music and goes to a lot of shows. I said that I was trying to get back into doing that. He said, “Well you might have just met the right guy.”
We decided to go meet up with his friend at a bar where some rockabilly band was playing.The cover was unexpectedly high, but he paid for both of us, and we went in and had a couple of beers. After the band we played a game of pool, even though I warned him that I am absolutely horrible. During the game he looked at me, leaned over and said, “You’re so goddamn cute!” and kissed me. I went with it, because I thought he was pretty goddamn cute, too. Not the best kisser, but not bad – I like nice full lips, and he was quite enthusiastic.
We went back to his place and had a drink and some more conversation. His friend came over, we all watched TV, he made some mac and cheese. He intermittently pulled me into the kitchen to kiss me. Not afraid of PDA, I like it! He wanted me to stay but I said absolutely not. He walked me to my car, we kissed some more, told each other we had a great time and would like to meet up again. He just kept kissing me, saying “You’re not leaving yet.” I finally broke away, and drove home kind of excited about this new guy. He texted me the next night wanting me to come over, but I was at work until late.
He texted me on Monday night asking if I wanted some company at work. I said sure, and then we hung out at his place for a while. He again asked me to stay and I again said no. We made out on the couch for a while, and he did the whole, “You’re not leaving yet” thing again. He said, “It would be easier to let you go if you weren’t such an amazing kisser.” We kissed for a long time at my car after he walked me out. He told me he was “so confused” because he really liked me, and thought I was super sexy, but he had been ready to marry his ex six months earlier, before it all blew up. He’s confused? Oh fucking great! Been here before. I said, “Well why don’t we just take it slow,” and he agreed to that. He asked when I would be free to hang out again and I said maybe Friday (I was honestly crazy busy that week). He texted me Thursday night to hang out, but I was out with my friend C at an open bar event, we were hanging with some guys, and I had cabbed it, so I said no.
So we met up on Friday night at bar N after he had gone to some concert with a friend. He asked me if I wanted to go see Primus in a couple of weeks. I said hell yes! We went to his place after the bar and hung out some more. We made plans to hang out on Sunday, which would be my first truly free day, where I didn’t have anything to do. He asked me to stay again, and this time I agreed, especially since I was little tipsy. I logically knew that I should keep putting him off for sex, and so at first I did. He says, “What, do you think if we have sex I’m just never going to call you again?” I was like, “Well, I don’t know, it happens.”
But the truth is that I had already decided even before I left the house that tonight was the night – I was going to sleep with him. I really have no discipline where sex is concerned, and I was completely in lust with this guy. It had been over a year since I’d met a guy who I thought was this fucking sexy (John), and before that it was a guy I knew before I met my ex. So I don’t feel this way very often – I just couldn’t stop looking at him! Our first time was a little awkward because he had some whiskey dick going on. (Apparently the hands were deceptive – decidedly average-sized equipment, darn it.) The next day he made us breakfast, and then put on a movie. I asked, “Do you mind if I hang out for a while?” and he said no, that’s why he put the movie on, so we could lay around and cuddle. At one point I said, “Mmm, this is nice. I haven’t snuggled with anyone in a long time,” which was true.
After feeling his nice warm body behind me for two hours I was extremely horny, and so turned around and started kissing him. He was immediately hard. Ok, now we’re talking! I was so turned on I wanted to do it right there on the couch, but then he mentioned his roommate might walk in. Drat! So I dragged him into the bedroom, ripped off my clothes, and pulled him on top of me. As soon as he entered me it felt incredible and I started to climb toward orgasm almost immediately. I told him to fuck me hard, but then he kind of stopped because he was getting close. So I told him to go slow and just kind of worked him – this is what normally works for me anyway. I could tell he was about to pop, which sent me over the edge, too, and we came together. Wow, that doesn’t usually happen! In other words, fantastic sex.
I had to go to work, and while I got dressed he went and laid on the couch with his sunglasses on. Um, ok. I was about to walk out the door, and he didn’t get up to walk me out, or kiss me or hug me or anything. Hmm, that’s a little disconcerting. Even my fuck buddy always gives me a nice sendoff. I walked over and kissed him and said, “Ok, so…Sunday?” He just kind of went, oh, sure yeah whatever. Alrighty. I left, feeling a little like a whore.
So on Sunday I didn’t hear from him all day. Ok, great. At around 4 pm I texted him, “So…did you still want to hang out today?” About an hour later he texted back yes. I worked out, showered, yada yada, then headed over there, feeling out of sorts. Something had changed, I could feel it. Dammit, I told him having sex would be a bad idea! Why can’t I follow through on these things? I decided before I got there that I wasn’t going to kiss him, touch him, anything, just to see what he would do. Sure enough, I was there for two hours and he didn’t touch me, didn’t compliment me, nothing – it was like I was just a buddy or something. After a while he was like, “Are you mad or something?” I said, “Well I was kind of wondering if you were ever going to touch me.” He’s like, “That’s what you’re pissed about? That I didn’t jump on you immediately? If we started all that when you first got here I’d just pass out and not be able to hang out with you.” Exasperated, I told him that that wasn’t what I was talking about – I didn’t want to jump into bed right away either, but a little affection would be nice, that I felt like he didn’t even really want me there. He’s like, “I’m a guy, if I didn’t want you here you wouldn’t be here.” Then he tried to kiss my neck, and I told him, sorry, pity cuddling is not valid!
I told him that I had felt a weird vibe when I left the day before, and so I was already feeling a little sensitive. He admitted that he had felt weird that afternoon: He said, “You just seemed like you had ‘looking for a boyfriend’ written all over you. You were giving me the googly eyes.” Are you fucking kidding me?! I was like, “Well I tend to get affectionate after I have sex with someone, excuse the hell out of me!” I tried to explain that I wasn’t looking for a serious boyfriend immediately, but that I didn’t want to be just a fuck buddy, either. And if If he was just looking for a fuck buddy, why did he take me out on a date, and ask me to an event several weeks away? When I have fuck buddies we have very specific boundaries. He responded that he didn’t really expect anything when he asks someone out, just wanted to see where it went. I said, well yeah, but: “I assume when a guy asks me out that he’s at least open to the possibility of it going somewhere.” He says, “Oh. I’m sorry if I was confusing.” We kind of worked it out, but I was still feeling out of sorts.
After a while we started making out on the couch. Things were just starting to get heated when he stops and says, “Time for a smoke break.” WTF!!! I said that I was just going to go home. He was completely mystified by why I was pissed! Really? Your cigarette is more important to you than my pussy?! I tried to explain this to him, and he called me “needy.” This did not go over well with me, but he’s like, “It’s ok, I know that about you now.” He started begging me to stay. I was really angry, but I didn’t want to leave, either. Completely at a loss as to what to do, I went out on the patio and started smoking. He’s like, “Are you really upset about this? I don’t get it. I don’t want you to go, what can I do?” I said, “Make me a fucking drink, and I’ll think about staying,” in my haughtiest imperious bitch voice. He brings me my drink and says, “You’re being kind of awesome right now.” He was serious. What the hell is wrong with this guy?! We kind of went back and forth about why I was pissed off, he started trying to make out with me again. I realized that there was no way I could get back into it, so I left.
We sent each other a few texts that night and the next day that made it quite clear we were not getting through to one another. One of his said, “I don’t know if I can do your kind of crazy.” After that I figured it was over and done with, but I sent him a couple more messages trying to explain myself and my expectations, just trying to salvage my pride somehow. He actually texted me back a few hours later when I was at work: “Haha, you may not be completely crazy but certainly a little…but aren’t we all?” I texted him back a George Carlin quote about how women are crazy because men are stupid.
After a while these two guys came into the bar and one of them, Sergio, started hitting on me. Hard. KC texted me, asking if the bar was “raging.” I said, “Totally raging. There’s two Mexican dudes chatting me up. One of them just invited me up to his room, lol!” Which was true. I didn’t say it to get him to come up there, but I did want to see what would happen. Sure enough, he walks in the door ten minutes later. I said, “Hi sweetie!” really loud with eyebrows raised – I wanted to tell him he needed to be my pretend boyfriend for a bit. But I didn’t get a chance, he just started talking to Sergio. I was turned away doing something and I heard Sergio ask KC if we were together and KC said no. Oh gee, thanks. The two of them actually made plans to go out together on Thursday night! I could tell KC had been drinking (he’d been out with friends), but really? Sergio tried to get me to go with them, but I said a boys’ night was a better idea.
After a while Sergio and his friend left and it was just the two of us. He said something, I don’t even remember what, and my response was, “I don’t play those kinds of little games.” He said that he liked that about me, that I was real. But he also said, “I don’t know what to make of you, Jen.” I asked him what he meant by this and he couldn’t really explain, so I said, “Well then I don’t know what to tell you.” At one point he hooked a finger into the neck of my top and pulled me over the bar to kiss him. After I was done closing the bar we went back to his place. We were in the middle of fooling around, and he told me that he really liked hanging out with me, that I was so much fun. He kept mentioning how amazing our impromptu afternoon sex had been the week before. He also said that he loved how horny I am. I said, “So do you just want to fuck, then?” At first he said yes. I felt my heart drop. But then he said that he still wanted to hang out and go to dinner and stuff like that. Huh? I said, “KC, when I have a fuck buddy, I go to his house, we have sex, I leave. That’s it. There is nothing else.” He said, “Oh, well we’ve got a lot more going on than that.” Ya think?! He said that he was freaked out because his last relationship had started this way – they lived in the same building, started hanging out and screwing; she “came on way too strong” but after two years (!) he fell in love with her, and they were together for three more years. We talked it about it all a little bit more and then agreed that it was good to be on the same page.
We got in the shower to cure his whiskey dick (again) – I never knew about this particular solution, but it worked. He told me how much he loved all the little noises I make. I’ve been told this before. I don’t do it on purpose, but I certainly don’t hold back – they all like it. He put me up on the sink and fucked the hell out me. Then he’s like, “We haven’t fucked on the floor yet, let’s do that.” Christ, my back was sore for the next two days! After we were done we watched TV for a while – he is a serious night owl – and didn’t go to sleep until like 6 in the morning.
After a few hours of sleep we went and got some takeout and watched a little TV. I had a bunch of stuff to do that day and then I was going to trivia so I left. He did his standoffish thing again. Aargh! So we have this great night, where it seems like we’ve worked things out, and he’s still being weird? $%^&&*!! I felt like I knew what was going on – “he really likes me but he’s fighting it.” But after that everything changed. I texted him a few times over the next couple of days, and he always texted back, but didn’t ask me to hang out again. Friday night I went out with my friends, since he and I hadn’t made plans. Of course once I was tipsy I started texting him from the bar. (I swear, some engineer should create an app that locks down certain numbers when you’re drunk. They’d make billions.)
I finally just asked him if I could come over, and he’s like, “Sure why not.” A ringing endorsement if I’ve ever heard one, but I was pretty drunk, and you know how that goes. We hung out on the couch for a while, and started looking at buying tickets for Primus. All of a sudden he says, “You realize I’m not paying for your ticket.” I felt pretty fucking stupid. I just kind of waved it off and was like, “Well never mind then, I can’t afford it.” After a while we did our thing, both too drunk to cum, and then passed out.
The next day when we were waking up he kept talking about how hungry he was and what were we going to eat? I was still hungover as shit and wasn’t hungry, so I just kept snuggling. I was, however, very horny, and so I started shit up again. Ooh it was good! After we finished he’s like “Now are you hungry?” But I still felt lame about the way everything the night before had happened, and didn’t feel like going through his standoffish routine again, so I just said I needed to go so I could get to work. I got dressed, he went and laid on the couch, per the usual. I didn’t kiss him as I was leaving, just smiled at him and said, “You’re weird.”
When I got to my car I did not feel happy. I wasn’t sure what to do. I wanted to talk to him about everything, so I ended up calling him and asking him if he wanted to hang out on Sunday. He’s like, “…Aaah, sure, but I can’t stay up late I have to be at work at like 5 in the morning.” I said that was cool because I needed to get up that day, too. I went to work feeling pretty depressed. I texted him once about something cool that happened, no response. Dickhead. When I woke up Sunday I didn’t even feel like seeing him – the confusion and rejection was just getting to be too much. But I felt like we still needed to talk. I ended up sending, “Movie later? If not that’s cool, just let me know.” An hour later he sent back that he was super hungover at a friend’s house and that he was going to watch the game there and then go home and die. I told him to have fun with that.
On Monday I was super bored at work, and sent him one funny text about how dead it was. No reply. He drinks scotch, and our selection at the bar is pretty lame. Today we got a bottle of Macallan 18, which we hadn’t had before, so I let him know. No reply. Fucking douchebag.
I am so sick of this bullshit! I saw my therapist yesterday, and told her the story, which is a repeat of just about every interaction I’ve ever had with a guy that I like. She told me that I’m not feminine enough in my behavior. She said, “Why were you so forthcoming with him?” I said, “Because you told me to be!” which is true. Earlier this year she was telling me I needed to be “more transparent” with men in regards to my expectations, now she’s telling me that I’m too “direct” and it makes me seem like a buddy. AAAAA! So what the fuck am I supposed to do? I try it one way, I try it another way, it always ends up the same – the guy who supposedly likes me so much disappears. Jesus christ, I’m almost 40, and I still suck at this?! What the hell is wrong with me?! Apparently I don’t know how to be a woman. That is a depressing thought, since I don’t know how to be anyone but me.