Dumped Again

Well I guess I don’t need to worry about what to do about Jordan, since he dumped me last week. At least he had the decency to call me, and not just disappear or text me or something. He got a promotion at work a couple of weeks ago, which he was super excited about. I was pretty jazzed, too, since I was hoping a bigger paycheck might mean he’d actually take me out every now and again. And I was really happy for him too, of course. He texted me telling me the news, and I offered to take him out to celebrate, my treat. But of course he just wanted to have beers at his place. Sigh. So I went and picked up some beer – and a small bottle of Sailor Jerry for good measure – and went to his place. We made some food and were chatting, and at one point he said something like, “Yeah I don’t really like to go out.” I said, “Don’t tell me that.” He said that since he used to work in restaurants he doesn’t like to be in them. Um, what? I’ve worked in them for 16 years, and I love to go out! I’ve never met anyone in the industry who doesn’t! But whatever, I just let it pass. We otherwise had what I thought was a great conversation.

His roommate and his girlfriend came home, and we played a few games of Monopoly Deal with them, which was fun. Then we went to bed and had some pretty damned good sex. I left thinking what a great night we had had, and that maybe it could work out with us. He texted me the next two days, Tuesday and Wednesday, just hey how’s your day kind of stuff. I told him that I was available on Friday or Sunday that weekend if he wanted to do anything. He said he was working early on Saturday and then 11 – 7 on Sunday, but that we’d figure something out. I said, “well poo” and he sent back “I know right?” Then I said, “Well seven is early,” but never got anything back. Friday I sent him a 2:30 AM drunk “Hey what’s up?” and he texted me the next day saying he’d been asleep, which was what I already figured. Sunday I texted him that I was off that day and Monday, and he sent back that he was going to a work event that he “forgot about” and then opening early on Monday. I said “Ok, let me know about tomorrow.”

So I already felt like something was up. Since we’d been seeing each other, he was always the one wanting to hang out, willing to work around schedules or not get much sleep, or whatever, in order to see me. So this whole thing just felt weird. Then on Monday when I finally dragged my ass out of bed I saw that he had called me, and hadn’t left a voicemail or text, which he always did. And so I knew: he’s calling me to break up. I sent him a text “Hey sorry I missed your call, what’s up?” He called right back, and did the deed.

He basically said that since his promotion he’d been thinking about a lot of things, including us. He told me that I was so “amazing in bed” (!!!??) that he was reluctant to hang out with anyone else, and that he “needed some time.” He was like, “I don’t know, I don’t know, what do you think about all this?” I was absolutely floored (and flattered) by the revelation that I’m apparently hot stuff in the sack, but what I said was something along the lines of, “Well, I really like you and I’ve been having a great time. I guess I wasn’t sure if it was going to go anywhere, but I’ve definitely been having fun…” He said that he had kind of gotten that “vibe” from me, that it wasn’t really a long term thing. So then of course I started thinking, “Oh good job Jen, you’ve somehow managed to fuck up this one, too.” He was hemming and hawing, and so I said, “Jordan, if you want to end it, it’s ok. I’m a big girl, I can take it.” He signed off saying, “I don’t know, I just need some time. I’ll give you a call, Jen.” Right.

A week later (a week ago tomorrow), I got a little tipsy and texted him “Thank you for calling me, instead of just doing the fade out. I really do appreciate it. I think you’re amazing. Good luck with all you do. :)” He sent back, “I owe you that much at least. I think you’re amazing, too, Jen, I just think we’re different people/interests. And I’m just figuring my shit out…”

I know he’s right, and I was  never sure about him. We are very different, but I don’t think it was necessarily insurmountable. And I have to admit that I really miss him.  Part of it is simply not having anything else going on and being lonely, but I do think I actually miss HIM. He was cute, and smart, and sweet, and the sex was only getting better. The problem for me was that he didn’t make me feel appreciated as a woman, and so I was holding back emotionally.  Maybe that’s what he was talking about, with getting a vibe like I was only interested in a short term thing? But I mean really dude, learn how to give a compliment every once in a while! I don’t know, I’m obviously still clueless about this whole relationship thing, even after all these many years.

The funny thing is, if it had to happen, it was perfect timing: the very next day I had my first appointment with a career counselor. I’ve scheduled four sessions, just trying to figure out exactly what I want to do, and make a start on getting there. I have work I have to do for that, and a ton of stuff to work on for my class, so I am actually super busy, and a semi-boyfriend would have been a distraction. But damn him, I’m already feeling the lack of sex!

Baby Steps

Well the ball is finally rolling. It’s rolling slowly, and I’m not sure where it’s going yet, but at least it’s finally moving. Last night I sent my CV off to someone at one of the art museums here in town, along with a short email explaining that my department head had suggested I contact her. No reply yet, and I don’t think they have any open positions, but I’m hoping she can at least give me some advice about how to start a career working at a museum.

I also seem to have randomly started a career as a freelance editor, which is another path I had been thinking about investigating. I got to talking to one of my customers at the bar last week. It was dead, as usual, and so we chatted for quite a while. I told him that I had a master’s degree, and was actually a really good writer and editor, but that I was stuck working in this stupid bar, yada yada. Turns out that he writes instruction manuals for an aviation company, but hates proofreading and editing. Would I be interested in editing these for him for $50 a pop? Why yes I would! He sent me one a few days ago, and last night I took my first look at it. It’s going to be a complete pain in the ass, but I have to start somewhere.

Strangely enough, I found out just a few days ago that my therapist used to be a freelance editor. She told me the going rate is around $60/hr, and that she used to make a decent living at it. She thinks I should charge this guy way more, but I look at it like this: he’s my very first client, and I don’t really know what I’m doing – I’m going to have to teach myself how to do this from the ground up. It may turn out that I’m not as good as I think I am. If I am proficient and decide to pursue this path, I’m planning on using this guy as a reference. So he’s doing me a favor, too.

The other thing that seems to be working right now is I’m getting back on track with the whole diet/exercise thing. I’ve been stalled out at 134.2 pounds for about 2 months now, struggling to get my partying under control. I started counting calories again, which I hate, but it works. Had a hard workout yesterday and today. The main thing, though, is I’ve started really planning my meals out and cooking for myself again. I’m still going to eat at work – it’s free and I’m poor – but I’m more committed to eating better when I do. And I’ve decided to go vegetarian when I cook at home. That way I’m automatically limiting how much meat I eat every week (important to me for ethical and health reasons), plus it’s cheaper. It also narrows my options, which is good; one of my main issues is just figuring out which of my gazillion recipes I want to make!

So, I’m feeling pretty good today. Let’s hope this ball keeps rolling!

Struggling…

I am not doing as well as I had hoped with the new responsible me routine, and it’s really depressing me. I was good for that one week, but since then I have fallen off the wagon several times, and I’ve definitely gained back some weight because of it. Last night was probably the worst case. I’ve managed to get caught up, and perhaps slightly ahead on my class, and so I decided to check out the happy hour at IH – cheap food as well as drink specials. Got all gussied up and went over there, poked my head in the door, and there’s like three old dudes sitting there. Well. Not exactly what I had in mind. I really needed to eat, and thought about bar N since it was right there and it’s cheap, but I felt like I was too dressed up. Stupid, I know, but my brain works in strange ways some times. Hell, who am I kidding, most of the time!

I was drawing a blank on where I could get some food and a glass of wine, and that would be at least semi-social, so I ended up deciding on Starlite. Expensive, but great food and drinks. I had hoped to get a seat at the bar, so there was at least the possibility of striking up a conversation with someone, but of course it was full. Sigh. I was starving, so I went ahead and sat at a table by myself. There was a guy by himself having dinner at the table next to mine, but he was too old for me.The burger seemed like the least expensive choice for something that would fill me up, and it was delicious as always. I had the cheapest glass of wine on the menu. For dessert I decided to splurge on a house cocktail, and went out to the patio to smoke. Alas, the bar was full and everyone was coupled up.

Long story short, dinner cost me $37 after tax and tip, and I didn’t speak to a soul.  This is exactly the kind of thing I’ve been trying to avoid, and actually I haven’t spent this much on dinner in a while, but it still felt like kind of a failure. I found out the other day that I have a $600 balance on my Amex (!) – I had no idea it was that much, I’d thought my balance was maybe half that. I sent a $300 payment, but I’m freaked out and pretty much strapped for the rest of the month. So $37 dinners are not an option!

And yet, I decided to keep the party going. I suppose I was determined to talk to someone. The plan was that I would stop drinking by midnight and be in bed by 1:00. I stopped by BP and had a beer. Nothing. I went into WCT and at first thought I’d hit the jackpot – a big group of guys! Closer inspection revealed that none of them were attractive, however. Where the hell is everyone on a Thursday night in this town?! By this point my friend C had gotten in touch to see what I was doing – she was getting off work soon. There was one place that I felt pretty sure would be happening on a Thursday, and it was in her neighborhood, so I decided to go there. She said she’d meet me in a bit.

Got to bar OS, and sure enough there was a sizable crowd for karaoke night. I ordered a light beer and waited for C. There were a few cute guys, but most of the crowd was older – weird. C walks in and immediately gets hit on by the cutest guy in the place, of course. I wish I had a secret video camera or something, this phenomenon is kind of unbelievable. He and his friend (not cute) introduced themselves, and C and cutie talked for a while. I went out to smoke and she came out after a few minutes kind of shaking her head. Apparently he was really annoying, just kept asking a million stupid questions. We went back in and he was sitting with some other girl talking to her. Really? Wow. So then the friend starting hitting on C. She told me later he was sooo boring. At least I wasn’t missing out on much.

The best guy in the bar was the bartender. I had noticed he was cute when we’d been in before, and he seems cool. Later on in the night he gave us a couple of girly shots for free. Nice!

I kept saying I couldn’t stay out too late, but we ended up staying until almost closing time. Oh, Jennifer, what discipline! C had recorded the new episode of Vampire Diaries that night (we’re both obsessed with it) and I couldn’t resist going back to her place to watch it. So I ended up not getting in bed until after 3:00. the plan for today had been to get up around 9:00 and get a shit ton of stuff done, but that obviously didn’t happen. Even though I honestly didn’t drink that much, I had a massive headache and didn’t haul my fat ass out of bed until around noon. It is now 3:30 pm, so I have just about enough time to fit in a workout before I go to work. Good job Jen! And the worst part is that last night was totally not worth it. At all!

So I still haven’t started looking for jobs, and I’ve gained back a bunch of weight. It’s just that I’m so lonely and depressed that after a few days of isolation it’s really hard to deny myself a night out. I know that this is going to be a process – completely changing your lifestyle of 20 years is a pretty big deal – but I’m very frustrated with myself right now.

Growing Up?

Well, at the advanced age of 38 years, I think I’m finally ready to grow up. I went out and partied Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. On Sunday I drank literally all day. I had planned on getting a whole bunch of stuff done that day, but I was super hungover after staying at L’s house drinking beer until 4 in the morning on Saturday night. So on Sunday I managed to haul my ass out of bed at around noon. My neighbors started barbecuing, and I thought, “I still feel really crappy. Maybe just a couple of light beers for some hair of the dog.” Yeah right. It turned into an epic drinking/cigarette binge, and on Monday I woke up with a massive hangover.

I can’t live my life hungover half the time, it’s just fucking stupid! I end up not getting anything done, I’m in danger of gaining back the weight I’ve worked so hard to lose, and I’m not even close to conjuring up a new career. So yesterday when I woke up with said massive hangover I decided that this week I will not buy any more cigarettes, and will not be going out, and will instead be getting up at a semi-normal hour and actually getting some work done. About an hour later I looked at my phone and saw that I had a voicemail. It was my department head – I don’t have a class next semester due to budget cuts. So now the job search becomes more urgent. Yep, it’s time to actually make this happen.

It’s kind of weird how everything seems to have come to a head in the past few weeks.  I spent the past year partying my ass off because, well, I think I kind of needed to. Ending a 5 1/2 year relationship is a big deal, no matter how ready I was for it to be over. Then  a few months later I got fired from a well-paying job that I’d had for 3 years. Hell, I’d be surprised if I hadn’t gone a little crazy.

Then over the summer the drinking and the sleeping around got really intense. I was pretty much sick of it by the time the Jacob incident occurred, and then that killed it as far as men were concerned. Yeah, I still want the attention, but not enough to go out and get it. I kept saying yes to going out because it was a habit of very long standing, plain and simple, and I didn’t have anything to replace it with. (I still don’t, but I’ll figure it out.) Then this whole drunken Sunday happened, which really killed the partying urge. Then I find out I have to find a new job before next semester. Hmm, convenient. I mean, I’m definitely anxious about the job thing, but I finally feel ready to do something about it. I’m not sure what exactly, but I actually want to buckle down and figure it out now, which I still didn’t a few months ago. Could it be that I’m finally – finally – growing up?

(I did have two beers with L tonight, but that was after staying in all day, working out, making my own healthy food, and actually getting some shit done. So that’s ok!)

Moving On

So it’s been nearly 3 weeks since the incident with Jacob. Damn me for a fool, but I still think about him. Sometimes I rehash some of the things that happened, sometimes I think about the sex, but mostly I have fantasies about him trying to talk to me again. These go in various directions. In one version he comes up to me and I just stare at him and then turn away. In another I look at him and say “No. Just no.” In another I say “You are not allowed to speak to me.” In another one he tells me he has finally gotten properly medicated and wants another chance. God I’m sick! It goes on and on. Stupid, I know, but these little scenes just kind of pop up in my brain without warning.

The other night I was talking to my friend L and I said something like, “Yeah, when I was talking to ‘He Who Shall Not Be Named'”…and she says, “No! I have the perfect name for him – Voldemort!” I nearly lost my shit, because that is so perfect. Even before the toxic event that ended it all, I had started thinking of him as being like a poisonous snake. Sly and seductive, and one of the few creatures on Earth who can take down a strong and noble beast such as myself. This will sound silly, but the analogy came from astrology: I’m a Leo in Western astrology, and a Tiger in Chinese. Weird, right? Only the Scorpion can hurt the Lion, and only the Snake can hurt the Tiger. My first boyfriend Brian – Jacob I – was a Scorpio, lol! Of course Jacob is also a Leo so it kind of falls apart there, but that’s where the idea came from. So yep, Jacob is now Lord Voldemort, hahaha!

I’m doing mostly ok. I no longer have fits of uncontrollable sobbing, anyway. I don’t really want anything to do with men right now, which is a Good Thing. I’m not even really horny anymore, which is the first time in a year that that’s happened. I had actually been wanting to get to that place for a while now, and this got me there in a flash. So thanks for that, Jacob! I mean, if some gorgeous creature wants to try and catch me I’m not going to stop him, but I’m way past the point of wanting to put forth any effort. And so of course now my friend C is suddenly boy crazy and wants to go out all the time. Dammit, woman, why couldn’t you have been this way 6 months ago? She’s going through a lot of shit right now, and so I humor her by going out on the prowl with her, but my heart is definitely not in it.

I’ve noticed, though, that anxiety is still a constant – I often catch myself not really breathing. A therapist I had when I lived in Sac was the first to notice that I did this. I think I stopped doing it for a long time, but now this habit is back with a vengeance. It kind of freaks me out, because in my mind I can feel perfectly fine and calm, but my body is telling a different story. And I seem to have a lot less control over it than you might think.

A lot of it has to do with the fact that I am definitely not happy with my life right now, and am itching to make changes. I feel like I’m stuck in this tiny little box that’s getting smaller by the day, and I’m constantly squirming around in that box, but I can’t break free. The main thing is my career, or rather lack of one. I cannot, CANNOT, continue living paycheck to paycheck. I also want to meet some new people. I love L and C to death, but they’re really rather narrow in the things they like to do. This is one reason I was so excited about the whole Jacob thing – he was one of the very few people I’ve ever met who likes to do all the stuff that I like to do. The only ideas I can come up with to meet people are to take a class, do volunteer work, or join some kind of club. The thing is, though, that looking for jobs and meeting people and doing “activities” takes up time. While it’s true that I only work 4-5 days a week, working on my class actually takes up most of the rest of those hours. A reduced partying schedule should help with this dilemma, but I am still weak when it comes to saying no to my girls when they want to go out. I’m getting better at it, but I have a long way to go.

I started seeing my therapist again right after The Incident. I saw her again this past Monday. I was going to tell her that I couldn’t do it anymore – I really can’t afford it now that I don’t have insurance – but she hit on an idea that I think needs exploring: I am addicted – truly addicted – to the type of men who end up hurting me. Strangely enough, this was an idea that I had had myself earlier in the summer. Last week I made a list of all the guys I’d been really into over the years, and it basically read: weirdo, druggie, bad boy, musician, artist, psycho, player. Several of them were all of the above. Well I am just doing a fantastic job, aren’t I? Whereas I was clueless as to what to do about this, Dr. A just recently took a class on some kind of Addictive Behavior Protocol, or something like that.  The basic idea is that I’ve learned to associate hooking up with these “flashy” types with positive feelings, and so we have to break that association. The only thing is, I don’t know if I want to break it. That sounds nuts, but the sense of exhilaration and power I get from these guys, however briefly, is the only real joy and happiness that I have in my life. I suppose that the idea is to find other ways to get that feeling, but I just don’t see how anything – anything – could ever measure up. And doesn’t everyone want to have butterflies when they meet someone special? It made sense when she explained it the first time, but I think I need it explained again, lol!

Stressed Out!

First, the car. I need a new transmission, and a new clutch. It’s going to cost somewhere in the $2000 range. And of course I’m completely broke, with a maxed out credit card. Thankfully my parents are going to pay for it, otherwise I’d be completely fucked. Unfortunately this means I won’t get a birthday present this year (my birthday is Wed the 15th).  I’m paying for the rental car on my Amex, which alone is going to run me about $300 – my car won’t even be done at the shop until Thursday! So that whole situation has been and still is very stressful.

I got hired at another restaurant on Thursday, to train behind the bar and as a server. At first I was super stoked, because this place is definitely in a different league than the diner where I work now, and should be better money. They also do a lot of charity work and have partnerships with various nonprofits, including in education and the arts, so one of my thoughts was that it could possibly maybe be a way to make some actual career contacts. I was so happy I even took myself out to lunch to celebrate. But now I’m having second thoughts.  For one thing, I HATE waiting tables! And I haven’t done it in a long time, so I’m pretty sure I’m going to suck – hell, I wasn’t that great of a waitress even when I was doing it full time. My neighbor who works there tells me about nights where he has 10 table sections. Even thinking about that makes me want to vomit. My current job might suck in a lot of ways, but it’s easy, I can do it in my sleep. This new place is going to be a lot more pressure – I’m super stressed about it and I haven’t even started yet.

The other thing is that they want me to work brunches behind the bar – that would mean 9-5 on Saturday and Sunday. I hate getting up in the morning anyway, but the main problem here is that I do catering on Saturdays. I LIKE doing catering. It’s the perfect F&B job for me. It’s what I did for three years at the Hilton. I’m good at it. I don’t know what business is going to be like once wedding season is over, but classes are starting soon and my teaching money will help to cover any downturn. There’s another thing, too – I really like one of the girls who works there, and want to turn her into a friend (lord knows I need more friends!) The bottom line is that I don’t want to give it up.

Then there’s the issue of making the new scheduling work with my current schedule. I’ve been working so much because we’re super short handed – we’ve gone from having 5 bartenders to having 2, me and a new girl, and her schedule is rather restricted. I don’t want to just quit, because like I said, I’m really worried that I won’t be able to cut it at the new place. I haven’t even told anyone I got a new job, but I’ll have to in the next couple of days. Dreading it!

The other thing is just that I’ve been working like crazy. I’ve worked 8 days in a row, and have five to go, counting the Teaching Academy on Wed. and Thurs. I’ll celebrate my birthday a day late, on Thursday night, then I’ll have Friday off, then I have catering on Saturday, and then old work on Sunday, and then some combination of old work and new work, and I have to teach my first class of the semester on Thursday, and !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m already so worn out I want to cry, and there’s just no end in sight. Also, all this working makes it difficult to move forward with any career-oriented plans, which is what I really need to work on. I feel like I’m being pulled in a million different directions, and it’s starting to get to me. On top of all this, I’m really depressed about Jacob. I know that I shouldn’t be, but that knowledge just makes me feel worse. I know I’m going to crack soon, the only question is how and when.

Rock bottom? God I fucking hope so!

Things have been truly horrible lately. I ran into Jacob last Thursday, with some girl, and he basically ignored me. I freaked the fuck out when I got home and cried myself to sleep. I know that it could have been anything, but the fact that when I ran into him with a guy he was so eager to talk to me and have me come over, but with a girl he ignored me, it just sent me over the edge. The next day I was hung over and miserable and was checking his FB. I saw that he had plans with the same cute blond girl (her name is Ashley, of course) he was in pics with a while back. He had also sent her a comment that said, “And by the way, you are sweeter than a sugar cube dipped in honey.” That is NOT something you say to someone who is just a friend. I don’t know if this is his ex or someone new, but in any case it sent me even more over the edge. I sent him some stupid text about how he was a bad person and blah blah blah. He texted back asking what my fucking problem was and what was my damage. I was hurt, to say the least. I can’t stand people being mad at me, though, so I basically just said, forget it, I’m human, I made a mistake in bringing it up. He said, “I think you’re radical and great and awesome, but you need to not be so intense or get so, so volatile.” I told him that I wasn’t used to dealing with someone who runs so hot and cold, and he said, “Wanna run hot over here?” I just said, “What?” and he said, “Yeah.” I told him that I thought he had to work, and he said he had to work in an hour and a half. I had already been planning on going to see a movie downtown that afternoon, so I decided I would run over there on the way – he would totally not expect it.

So I did. He kept being like, “I can’t believe you came over. That’s amazing. You’re amazing.” I honestly don’t know if he meant that in a good way, or a weird way. At one point he said, “You look so cute, I just want to grab you and kiss you, may I do that?” I said, “No, none of THAT will be happening for the foreseeable future.” At some point he told me I was smart, and hot. He also asked me what a nice girl like me was doing hanging out at a bar like CB (where I had run into him with that chick). I was just kind of like, “What, why wouldn’t I hang out there? And didn’t you introduce me to it anyway?” Fucking great, he thinks I’m the nice girl!! People tend to think this about me because I’m kind of quiet, I guess, and I fucking hate it! I mean, I am nice in the sense that I’m a very nice person, and I generally stay out of trouble. I don’t do drugs (it’s not on principle or anything, I just haven’t really liked the ones I’ve tried) and have only been arrested once, for a DUI, years ago. But it’s not like I’m unaware of what goes on in the world, or afraid of gritty situations. I happen to love grimy dive bars (and CB isn’t really that grimy) and the characters that come with them. I’ve been in a few mosh pits, and to a hell of a lot of punk rock/hardcore shows at some nasty ass falling down houses. And when it comes to sex, oh my lord, don’t get me started. He would probably be shocked by how dirty I can be. I’m certainly not a bad girl, but I’m no fucking Pollyanna either. This is exactly the little box that my very first boyfriend tried to put me in over 20 years ago, and I hated it then, too.

Anyway, on my way out I said, “I wasn’t trying to be weird earlier, I just…I’m not used to dealing with someone who operates the way you do.” We basically both told each other that we’re weirdos. He gave me a hug and said, “So good to see you,” and I left. After the movie I wrote him this long ass FB message trying to explain why I had gotten so upset. That I wasn’t stalking him, and that I wasn’t trying to have a relationship with him, even though I think he’s pretty amazing. That my life had gone to shit and I was feeling overly emotional, etc, etc. I ended by saying that I wouldn’t bug him anymore, and that the ball was in his court.

The next day I went to this event I had really wanted to go to. Predictably, L flaked on me, so I had to go by myself. It was a cocktail and beer tasting, and it didn’t take long before I was a little buzzed. I texted him, “Too bad you couldn’t make it, super fun!” After a while he responded, “I wish! Work sucks!” I sent back, “Course it does, that’s why it’s called work!”

I ended up going to IH later, where some ugly dude hit on me four – four! – times. Why don’t the cute ones ever do that? I hit up bar N for a round, then texted Nate: “Tell me you want me to come over.” He said he did, but that he couldn’t stay up late, it would have to be a fuck and leave kind of thing. I said fine. After we were done I told him about all the fantasies I have about him while I’m getting off (I was pretty fucked up, lol!).

I’ve been working at the bar since Sunday, and the money has been absolutely horrible. Plus I’ve started to regret writing Jacob that letter. If I could have just been patient and cool about the whole thing…sigh. But that has always been my downfall. I’m a fun, smart, cute girl, but I always lose my shit around guys that I like. I still haven’t heard from him, and I’m pretty upset about that. I really bared my soul in that letter, and he can’t even give me a response? Really? Not even to say that he can’t deal and don’t talk to me anymore? I sooo don’t want to believe that he’s just a jerk, but I don’t know what else to think at this point. It makes me really sad.

So I’ve been dealing with that, and it’s made me completely miserable and depressed. There was also the fact that I could only pay rent by today (the 7th!) because I was totally broke. Then today on my way to work my car broke down. Yup. I managed to make it to the parking lot at work, thank god. After everything else that’s been going on, all I could do was laugh. I have AAA so the tow to my mechanic was covered, but I forgot to give the tow driver my car keys. So now I have to figure out a way to get them over there in the morning. I only have $200 to my name right now. My parents are going to help me, but this is still very bad.

I can only hope that this is finally the bottom of the downward spiral my life has been on, and that things will start looking up soon. It is a possibility: I have a job interview at a new restaurant. So we’ll see. I’m really trying to focus on what I need to do and not worry about men, but it’s very difficult since I’m so lonely. And horny. 😉