Cruel to be Kind

I find myself in a position that I hate. This guy Jesse is really into me and I can’t return the sentiment. We met a few weeks ago at my neighborhood bar, went to Lynn’s house and hung out some more, then I ended up going home with some other guy. The thing is, the night that we met, I was so wasted I didn’t even remember meeting him. Lynn texted me a couple of days later telling me he kept talking about me, and my response was, “Who?” Yeah, not my finest hour. She sent me a picture, and he looked maybe cute but I couldn’t really tell . About a week later she texted me that she was at a party and Jesse was there, so I took the opportunity to go and size him up. We talked for a long time and he seemed really nice but I wasn’t really attracted to him. Of course, right?

We met again a few days later at the same bar and hung out at Lynn’s place for the after party. I was making everyone my special cocktails, and we all ended up getting really fucked up. Somehow he and I ended up outside talking for a really long time about relationships and what not, and I got really upset and started crying, and he was very sweet about it, saying “You’re broken, aren’t you? You’ve been hurt a lot.” I just nodded. We ended up making out for quite a while. We went back inside and hung out for quite a while longer. He eventually passed out on the couch, and Lynn and I were still talking, and after a while she says, “Oh my god, the sun is coming up!” Holy. Shit. We were still super awake, and so decided to go get mimosas at 6:30 in the morning, lol! We came back a couple of hours later, and Jesse was still there asleep. I took him back to my place, out of a lack of any better idea of what to do with him. I put on my pjs and we slept for a while. He tried to mess around a little bit, but I always stopped him. He finally left at around noon.

Since then he’s texted me a few times, and I answered, but shortly. Tonight I hit up the same bar after playing my usual Tuesday trivia, and Lynn was there. She and I were just hanging out talking, and then Jesse and his friend Ryan (one of Lynn’s fuck buddies) showed up. Crap. I knew this would happen, but I guess I had been hoping to put it off. So of course Ryan starts talking to Lynn, and Jesse starts talking to me. We were having a good conversation, but I couldn’t help worrying how this was all going to end.

At closing time we were all out on the sidewalk having one last smoke, and Lynn is like, “So what are we doing? We can all go to my place.” I said I needed to go home, I have to get up, which is true. I finished my cigarette, and said, “Well goodnight kids.” Jesse offered to walk me to my car, and I said, “No that’s ok, thanks.” And just kept walking.

I could have said yes, and told him what the deal is. I admit that it was selfish, I wanted to avoid an awkward conversation. I don’t know which would have been worse for him – having to walk back over to them after I rejected him, or the way that I did it. Fuck! I feel really bad. I so did not mean to lead this guy on, but I feel like I did. I so wish I could be into him, because he seems like a really good guy, but I just can’t. FML.

Would you like some cheese with that whine?

Black. Depression. That’s where I am right now. That’s why I haven’t written in so long – I haven’t felt able to. I don’t even know where to start. Too much partying. Way too much. Trying to erase the pain, and of course it doesn’t work. Nate seems to have dropped off the face of the Earth. I’ve had sex once in the past two months, and the few flashes I remember…well let’s just say it wasn’t worth it. Hell I didn’t even think the guy was cute, I just so desperately needed to feel something, just get laid, and in the moment it didn’t matter who it was. I’ve had a string of guys hit on me, none of whom were attractive, some of whom were downright psycho. At first I couldn’t figure out what was going on, I was just angry: why is this happening to me?! Now I think I know what the problem is: I’m so miserable, so unhappy, that it’s somehow drawing negative people to me. It doesn’t help that my new friend Lynn is having the time of her life having sex with various super-hot dudes, and I am jealous beyond belief. Two of my friends have moved away, L and D. C is dating some dude who she’s not really that into, but in any case I don’t see her very often anymore. I feel like I have to start all over building up a group of friends, and quite frankly I don’t have the energy. I keep getting sick, so those rare times that I do feel productive never build any momentum. And so I’m stuck, starting over, again and again and again. Lynn tells me I’m too hard on myself, but she doesn’t get it – she has a career, and financial stability, and hot guys all over the place. Hell she’s already been married and divorced. She’s already had everything that I have failed to achieve. Am I hard on myself? Damned right I am, because I am nearly 40 years old and have failed at life. In every aspect: financially, career-wise, relationships. All shit. I saw Matt a couple of weeks ago, but I don’t really think he’s that interested; same goes for Johnny. This one guy Jesse is super into me, and he’s nice, and age-appropriate, and stable, and so of course I don’t find him attractive. I really really wish that chemistry and attraction didn’t matter, but damn it they do, and I have absolutely no control over it. I have a date tomorrow night with this guy I met online, but I don’t have high hopes. I kind of feel sorry for this guy in advance. I really shouldn’t be dating at all right now, not until I can pull myself out of this funk. I’m so down I just really don’t have much to say. And yet I can’t seem to stop looking. Story of my life.

A Breaking Point

Well I am feeling extremely crappy today. I woke up feeling like shit, and actually called out of work. This is the fourth time in three months that I’ve been sick! Just when I decide I’m ready to buckle down and be productive, I’m barely functional. My throat was a little scratchy last night, but I thought it was nothing. Of course the cold damp weather and a few cigarettes didn’t help, and I did end up getting kind of stressed out last night. This is the background as to why I got upset:

Every Tuesday night I go play live trivia with C and her brother and sister-in-law. Last week C and I went out bar hopping afterwards, but were unable to find any real action and decided to call it a night. I decided to hit up bar TC on my way home, for one drink. While I sipped my White Russian, this guy who’s a regular started chatting with me and asked me if I’d lost weight. I said, uh, no, but thanks? When the bar was closing I went outside to smoke, and ran into Joe and Mike, two brothers who are also regulars. They ended up inviting me to go to some chick’s house who was having an afterparty. It ended up just being the three of us, their friend, and the hostess, who I will call Lynn. She introduced herself, shook my hand, and said, “I love you already.” Er… ok, great. I hung out over there for several hours, as Lynn and I did hit it off. We exchanged numbers and agreed to meet up sometime.

On Saturday I worked at the bar, and had plans to go to a Meetup.com thing right after. John, this guy I met at bar H the Sunday before, texted me to come meet him there again. I told him I was at work, but we agreed to meet up some other time. I also heard from Matt – apparently I left my jewelry at their apartment. He asked me if I was doing anything later, and I told him about the Meetup thing but said maybe later. Jesus, guys, you ever hear of making plans in advance? I’m just supposed to drop everything and come hang out with you? Sorry, I’m not going to be that girl anymore.

Anyway, by the time I got to the bar where the meetup was, it was so packed I didn’t know how to find anyone – I’d never met anyone in the group before. There wasn’t really a proper bar in this place, just tables. I stood there feeling like an idiot for a few minutes, decided to abort the mission, and finished my beer ASAP.  I was in C’s neighborhood, so we decided to check out this new bar that was right across the street from where I was. While we were there I got a text from Lynn asking if I was going to bar TC later. I said I wasn’t sure, and then tried to text her later but my phone freaked out and wouldn’t text her number! Great, now she thinks I’m blowing her off. Fucking phone!

C and I went next door to this Irish / karaoke bar we like, bar OS. This guy that she likes was hanging out with her friend’s brother and his girlfriend at another bar, and she tried to get all of them to come down there. Of course the dude she’s into didn’t come, but the brother and his girlfriend did. The brother apparently thinks I’m hot. Of course he does, since he is definitely NOT.

At one point I saw this tall, good-looking, age-appropriate guy go out to the smoking patio, and I kinda followed him. I walked down close to where he and his friend were hanging out and lit up. This big dude, apparently an acquaintance of theirs, started talking to me, and then eventually hot dude’s friend (his name is Eric) did too. Hot boy was giving me a few looks but he didn’t really say much. I ran into them a couple more times on the smoking patio, and ended up giving Eric my Facebook info. I started getting the idea that Eric was kind of into me. Uh oh. I was truly enjoying our conversation, but was – of course! – not attracted to him. He went to go sing, and hot boy and I finally got to talk. It went quite well! After a while we all went inside, and Eric and I both went to the bar to get a drink. I wanted to let him know I wasn’t interested in him without being a jerk, and asked if his friend was single. I felt bad about it, and I suppose this wasn’t the best approach, since he seemed kind of standoffish the rest of the night. I can’t say I blame him – this has happened to me countless times with C, and it doesn’t exactly make you feel good. In any case, he said that yes his friend was single. We were all talking on the sidewalk after the bar closed, and hot boy asked for my number. I gave it to him, although thinking it highly unlikely he would call me if it would piss off his friend.

This was the 5th number I’d given out in three weeks. Crazy! First was Jeremy, a one night stand I met at bar WS. He’s the only guy I’ve had sex with, other than Nate, since December. He actually did text me a week later asking if I’d like to meet up sometime. I said yes, and then of course never heard from him again. Then there was trivia host Joe. Have yet to hear from him. Then there were Matt and John, who I had heard from that very night, but in a very casual fashion. And now there was this guy. Whew!

During the past few weeks I have also found out about several ugly dudes who have a thing for me: C’s friend’s brother (fat and ugly), this guy who plays trivia with us sometimes (old and Asian), my neighbor Miles’s friend (white trash alcoholic with missing teeth and a mountain man beard), and my other neighbor (chunky, and with a girlish voice and a beard). These are the men who are attracted to me. I should just give up now.

So this is where my head was at last night when I went out for trivia. My original plan was to go straight home afterwards – after two weeks of partying it was time to get some shit done this week. I decided I’d stop at bar TC for one drink on my way home, and promptly ran into L‘s sister. Fuck!! This chick doesn’t like me, or L’s boyfriend JW, and immediately launched into him, trying to get me to badmouth him, too. I gave some noncommittal answers until my drink arrived, and then I escaped outside to smoke. I decided I’d call up Lynn, partly to escape this bitch, partly because I wanted to tell her that I didn’t really blow her off the other night. Luckily she was game and came right over.

So she and I moved to where there were two seats and started having a nice conversation. This guy came over and started talking to Lynn. Apparently she had been at the bar earlier and he had started talking to her then. He was just my type – cute nerdy guy with glasses – but I couldn’t tell if she was into him or not. We were talking about birthdays, and it turns out I am exactly one year older than he is, weird! At one point they got up, I thought to go smoke, and I was joining them. I walked out the door a few seconds after they did, and they were nowhere to be found. Um, ok…? Then they walked out from behind a corner of the building. What the hell? I found out later that they had had a little make out session. Oh goody, now I’m suddenly the third wheel.

I went to the bathroom and when I came back he was sitting in my seat. Ok awkward. I was kind of pissed. He was obviously not interested in talking to me, and even though Lynn was there to hang out with me, he just kept monopolizing her. I felt like he was being pretty rude, and I could tell she didn’t really know what to do. I no longer had a seat, so I sucked down the rest of my drink and closed my tab. Lynn kept apologizing to me, but I just said, “Don’t worry about it, these things happen.” I had to reassure her several times that I do still want to hang out, which I do – you can never have too many girlfriends!

But somehow the whole incident set me off. She just broke up with her boyfriend six weeks ago, I’m way cuter than she is (I’m sorry but I am!), I work so hard to stay in shape, and somehow she’s the one hooking up with the cute age-appropriate engineer? WTF!!! I know that it might not mean anything or work out, and I already think the guy’s kinda rude, but still!! It’s just not right, dammit! When I came home I knew I couldn’t sleep, and just paced around. I kept stewing over everything – I’ve been single for a year and a half, the only guys that like me are total chuds, I’m getting too old to have a family, I’m almost 40 and have nothing, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with me so why am I still alone, etc. etc. I got really upset, to the point that I ended up sitting on the toilet and having a little cry. I think I was getting more and more upset with these stupid guys over the past few weeks, but just holding it all in, because it seemed silly to get upset over people I didn’t even know. But it’s just too much, all the rejection of the past year and a half, and this little incident pushed me over the edge.

And now I’m sick as a dog. Awesome.